Dreams

Last night I had a dream.  Normally, I do have dreams, but I don't remember them.  Since the boys died (after Robbie and Rango too) I've prayed to have some dream, some way to see my boys to know they are okay.  I didn't get that.  I got other signs--dandelions, pennies and my husband  and daughter telling me what their dreams were about (one or two each, not many).  So, I learned to be content with that.
But last night, for some reason, I woke up and remembered my dream vividly.  And the more I thought about the dream, the more I realized where it took place, and who was there.
I was on my college campus.  It was present time, because I was walking with all my college friends and their kids (M and her son, K and her son, my roomate and her children, another friend M) and we were all our current ages.  Some current friends were there too.  And we were walking around the campus with strollers and bags, showing the kids where we went to school, and telling them stories of what we did.  And I was getting very tired, and wanted to go eat.  So I started questioning why we were still walking around.  They told me we just had to keep walking.  I handed a stroller off to my friend M, who in turn was trying to handle her very active son.  I held her son while we began our steep climb up to our campus.  I asked why we had to go up that road--there was a better road (on the other side of the campus) that we could get to the dining hall to.  But uphill we trudged, with K's son pulling and squirming, trying to get down and run up the big hill.
Finally, we reached the top of the hill, and they told me we were almost there.  I asked where, because I just wanted to sit.  Both of the little boys (D and C) were trying to run around and go back down the hill!  Finally, my friends told me they had to delay me for my baby shower, and if I could please just act surprised, there was a delay at the hotel restaurant, and that's why we were walking around forever.  I complied, but asked if we could please get to the hotel at least so I could just sit and the boys could run around in a contained facility.  They agreed, and off we went.  C and D took turns sitting on my lap once we got to the hotel, because I was sitting on a lavishly decorated swing, with lots of metal work on the top.  C kept trying to climb it to go upside down, and finally got his head stuck inside.  I was panicking, because his mom or dad wasn't around, and I was sure I was going to get in huge trouble!  But when K and M showed up, they laughed, freed C and then took me into the baby shower.
It was Sesame Street themed.  Presents, cookies, little cakes, and all decorations.  Everyone I knew was there, and so excited for us.  I was confused and angry because the family had agreed that if I got pregnant again, there would be no shower.  But everyone told me not to worry...this time was going to be fine.  Then I woke up.
As I went through getting ready, I was sorting out the details of the dream (like why my girlfriends sons were such a prominent role), and why Sesame Street (b/c it was the theme to my first birthday, and my mom and stepdad threw it for me), and why I didn't know I was pregnant in the dream (b/c i was seeing it through my eyes, and obviously i wasn't looking down at my belly!).  I can't analyze the dream much more than "A dream is a wish your heart makes, when you're fast asleep".  I wish I could get pregnant again, and be not stressed out and enjoy it.  I wish I could have a baby shower, but everyone is going to be too nervous to throw me one before the baby is even born.  I wish I could say I'll be positive throughout the pregnancy, but I know better.
But it was nice to dream of a happy occasion, one that I wish I could have.  Where reality wasn't so harsh.  And maybe one day I'll have another dream, showing me my heart's desires, and letting me think, even if for a little while, that it is a possibility in reality.

No Tears--Just Anger

I am pissed off at the world today. I haven't cried at all so far today. But the anger is right there--at everyone who says have a great day, or asks "how are you doing today". it's not fair, and i know deep inside no matter how much i fight or throw a tantrum, my babies are not coming back. my bump will not "magically" appear tomorrow morning, like God saying, ok, you've had enough, here's Rango back. the results of what happened to Rango will not be rushed, and we won't know what happened for a few more weeks. and that's if we even get answers.
we leave on saturday for a business training trip to florida. it was supposed to be our babymoon-we were going down the day before, and leaving two days after. i had motherhood coupons that i was going to use to get a few bathing suits and sundresses, to show off my cute little baby bump. but instead i gave the coupons to another pregnant woman i worked with who was due 5 days after Rango. and i'm in walmart, buying shorts that fit in case my crash diet and exercising doesn't work by saturday and i can fit into my summer stuff from last year. its not fair, and i am so pissed off. i should be enjoying my first day of summer break. instead i am finding ways to deny what is really happening.
i went downstairs to organize all of my teaching files (i was non-renewed about a month ago, and fortunately i was packed up before we learned about rango, so everything was home), and worked hard for an hour at going through files, sorting and organizing. my husband came downstairs to help with what we call our "homemade chemistry kits"--our own activities that he and i have put together. then he asked me if we could stop, because i'll have all next year to organize. i stopped and immediately teared up. i was thinking (and i don't know why) that i wanted to get it done now, because i wouldn't have time in the fall, with Rango. and in that one comment reality came crashing in. and now i'm on here.
i am not accepting what happened--i know Rango isn't here. i know robbie isn't here. for the first time in my life i can tell i am headed toward this slippery slope of depression, and i can't shake it. even my daughters coming back tomorrow isn't helping.
yesterday i made my husband pack up all of the baby stuff we had purchased when we had hope of bringing home a live baby, and brought it to my aunt's house. i couldn't stand having a room be in transition for a nursery that may never happen. i'm not sure what i'm going to do with it, but i need to make it useful. i can't handle this--i can't get through this. this is just too hard. my heart and faith are completely shattered, and honestly i have nothing to look forward too. i have no job, my daughters go to school in the fall, and i will be left alone with nothing but my empty house and my empty womb. and no hope, no faith. everyone keeps telling me things are going to get better--i just see things getting worse and worse. i can't see how i will survive this. i can't do anything and i'm a failure.
i miss my boys...i miss being pregnant...i miss having hope and being happy.

Father's Day

Dear Robbie and Rango,
I need to tell you how much your father misses you. We both think Father's day and Mother's day are silly holidays, but it doesn't take the sting away that your dad should be holding one of you, or expecting to hold the Rango in a few months. But yesterday he told me that he found 2 pennies lying on the ground next to each other. After you died Robbie, your dad told me how he remembers someone telling him that sometimes our angels send pennies from heaven, as a sign. The fact that he found 2 pennies together means so much to him--that his boys are looking out for him.
He and I miss you both so much, and wish you were with us still. Your sisters talk about both of you constantly, and tell us what they think you are doing. I asked them tonight to tell me if they ever get to meet you in one of their dreams. You both know how much you were loved and wanted, and how we were so ready to bring you home to us!
But thank you for remembering your dad--i know he hurting so much.
I love you both,
Mommy