I am pissed off at the world today. I haven't cried at all so far today. But the anger is right there--at everyone who says have a great day, or asks "how are you doing today". it's not fair, and i know deep inside no matter how much i fight or throw a tantrum, my babies are not coming back. my bump will not "magically" appear tomorrow morning, like God saying, ok, you've had enough, here's Rango back. the results of what happened to Rango will not be rushed, and we won't know what happened for a few more weeks. and that's if we even get answers.
we leave on saturday for a business training trip to florida. it was supposed to be our babymoon-we were going down the day before, and leaving two days after. i had motherhood coupons that i was going to use to get a few bathing suits and sundresses, to show off my cute little baby bump. but instead i gave the coupons to another pregnant woman i worked with who was due 5 days after Rango. and i'm in walmart, buying shorts that fit in case my crash diet and exercising doesn't work by saturday and i can fit into my summer stuff from last year. its not fair, and i am so pissed off. i should be enjoying my first day of summer break. instead i am finding ways to deny what is really happening.
i went downstairs to organize all of my teaching files (i was non-renewed about a month ago, and fortunately i was packed up before we learned about rango, so everything was home), and worked hard for an hour at going through files, sorting and organizing. my husband came downstairs to help with what we call our "homemade chemistry kits"--our own activities that he and i have put together. then he asked me if we could stop, because i'll have all next year to organize. i stopped and immediately teared up. i was thinking (and i don't know why) that i wanted to get it done now, because i wouldn't have time in the fall, with Rango. and in that one comment reality came crashing in. and now i'm on here.
i am not accepting what happened--i know Rango isn't here. i know robbie isn't here. for the first time in my life i can tell i am headed toward this slippery slope of depression, and i can't shake it. even my daughters coming back tomorrow isn't helping.
yesterday i made my husband pack up all of the baby stuff we had purchased when we had hope of bringing home a live baby, and brought it to my aunt's house. i couldn't stand having a room be in transition for a nursery that may never happen. i'm not sure what i'm going to do with it, but i need to make it useful. i can't handle this--i can't get through this. this is just too hard. my heart and faith are completely shattered, and honestly i have nothing to look forward too. i have no job, my daughters go to school in the fall, and i will be left alone with nothing but my empty house and my empty womb. and no hope, no faith. everyone keeps telling me things are going to get better--i just see things getting worse and worse. i can't see how i will survive this. i can't do anything and i'm a failure.
i miss my boys...i miss being pregnant...i miss having hope and being happy.
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