1 Year

It has been a year since our world turned upside down, and we learned how cruel life truly can be.  Tomorrow will mark 1 year since we learned that Robbie died.  It also is the anniversary of many changes that came into our lives--whether we wanted the change or not.
Its hard to believe how fast this year went by.  When I remember the events that unfolded, it seems to be in slow motion.  But life still goes on.  Events happen, birthdays are celebrated, and the world continues no matter how earth shattering the news.  And here we are...one year later.
We have two boys in Heaven...not one.  We learned how deeply we wanted to have more children.  We saw the depth of our love...for our sons that we had such a short time with...for our daughters...for our families...and for each other.
We have learned to cherish each day with the girls...the tears over homework and not knowing what to wear to school...and to have family game/movies nights more and computer time less.  That the value in our family is spending quality time together...and not just being in the same room.
We realized that we deserve to be happy, and no one has the right to take that happiness away, or control if we are happy or not.  We prioritized our life...work became just that....work, and family was the utmost priority.  Work is not allowed to dominate our home life...even with the worst days.
We learned to let go, and we learned to forgive.  As Shannon Tate-Simmons said "Forgiveness isn't for the other person, its for you to heal."  A lesson we wished we learned earlier, but its never too late.
We know how important that kiss goodbye is in the morning, or whenever we leave the house.  To tell everyone how much we love them--even if we just saw them several days in a row.  Nothing is taken for granted in our lives.  Our eyes were opened to just how quickly the ones we love can be taken from us.
We are grateful to have a home, not just a house.  We are thankful to have been surrounded by so many friends (new and old) and family to carry us through the darkest days.
We learned that blood is thicker than water...but not always.  There's always one in the family that doesn't get it, and is isolated.  And that sometimes friendships can be repaired through the smallest of gestures.  We found that we have more friends that really do care about us, who will support us and make us smile, and who we love hanging around to remember that while circumstances have made us older (maybe wiser), we are still young and have so much to enjoy from life.
We learned to have faith, and the necessity of hope.  We renewed our faith in God, and are learning to trust that what He has planned for us is better than anything we can ask for.  And we are showing our daughters how important hope, faith, love and trust is in any relationship.
I have watched as Mario has developed a bond with the girls that I didn't think was possible.  I see how grateful he is to have a family...even if its not the one he planned on having.
We have seen how petty our arguments were, and how stupid and careless it was of us to waste our time bickering.  Instead of wasting our time together its time to renew our marriage, our friendship, and make our time meaningful.
There is still heartache, grief, and sorrow.  There is still the pain of waking up and knowing that we don't have a boys with us physically.  The pain is definitely still there, although not directly on the surface.  But one thing that is helping as this first year comes to a close is that life as we know it died with Robbie.  But that doesn't mean our lives were over.  In fact, in many, many ways we are just beginning a new chapter.
I decided a month ago that I am ready to try again.   I don't know if we'll have an opportunity, and I don't know if the same thing is going to happen again.  But I have to have faith and hope that whatever happens is for the good for myself and my family.  Losing two babies killed me--it broke my heart.  But my heart has mended, and I am ready to hope, to have faith that things may work out.
But to all of my followers who read the blog, and many who use it as a gauge to see how I'm doing...thank you.  Thank you for reading, for commenting and for emailing me to check on me.  I know I owe emails to so many of you!  But this last month really has been a doozy.  But I take comfort in that the year of firsts is over...first christmas, first thanksgiving, first birthday, etc.  I will never forget my boys...they are with me every single moment of every day.  But so are my daughters and my husband.  It has been a sad year.  But sad stuff happens.  And a year ago I couldn't have seen any positive to come out of such a tragedy.  But today I can, with the darkness behind us.  And I have so much to be thankful for.  So as I cry tonight, for lost hopes and dreams, for the couple last year that lost everything, or so they thought, I also realize how much that couple has gained.  And hope for them that one day, their hopes and dreams do come true.

And I'll leave with with a picture taken just this weekend...of the young couple who had endured so much in the first 2 years of marriage.  These two crazy kids just might make it after all!

Variables and Constants

“The only thing constant in life is change”  Francois de la Rochefoucauld

First, let me start by apologizing for not posting more frequently.  It has been a terribly difficult month for me emotionally...reminders at every turn of what we have lost.  And I have found that the best way I can handle my emotions is staying terribly busy, so that at night I have no choice but to lay down and sleep from exhaustion!  Its a good kind of busy--positive energy.  I am busy at work, adjusting to being back to my old stomping ground; busy at home, with my two daughters and school and the chaotic-ness that comes with the start of new routines; busy on the weekends, trying new things and making memories with my family; busy planning October 15th's event, an event that is both bitter and sweet, and oh so necessary.  It's not easy.  Many mornings I want to just pull the covers up and stay in bed.  But I know I don't have the time to allow myself a pity party.  As our priest said during the homily on Sunday, why do we think life has to be fair?  That's a misconception on our part as human beings.  And what is fair to us may not be fair to someone else.  And while I still don't think its fair for any of us to have ever had the loss of a child, I can understand the priest's point of view.  Only God knows what is fair for us.  And it also may not be fair for "right now".  Fair doesn't mean right.  We can only hope (there's that elusive word) that somehow, over time, things do work out for the best.  And that is so much easier to type than it is to believe! (by the way, the homily was based on Luke 9: 7-9, the one where the last shall be first, and the man hires workers who work varying hours during the day for him, but all make the same rate, regardless if they worked 8 hrs or 1 hr).  

But in the last few weeks I have come to realize that really, the only thing constant in my life is change.  And I first heard this quote in college during an honors literature class I had to take (i love reading, but this course was a challenge!).  boy, what i wish i knew what I know now!  What i could have shared with the class!!  For those of you who don't know me very well, I am a very strong Type A personality.  I like control, I like knowing what is happening, and going to happen.  I love lists and plans.  The last year especially has been so hard for me because I can't control anything...And I wish I could!  Just control one little thing.  Since the end of summer, I went back to my former district, to teach my former courses, with all the teachers that groomed me to be the teacher I became, to advise my former club (which apparently no one else wants to run), but as a completely different person with a completely new perspective and new found respect and appreciation.  I haven't stopped smiling.  While everything has changed, it feels like home.  I feel a difference in myself, in how I am in the classroom.  Barely anyone knows about the boys...only because I am only sharing it if people ask, or if I feel it is pertinent information (its not right now).  So I also don't get pitying looks and hugs.  At my job, I am me, and I am happy and bubbly, and have a great reputation for being an understanding yet strict teacher.  Its nice.  At home, my girls take the bus to school (another change), and in the afternoon, my youngest takes the bus home.  My oldest either gets picked up by my friend, or stays at school for an extra 20 minutes until I can arrive.  Its a whole new schedule, and the girls are changing too, but still, there is a sense of their need for their parents.  No matter how big they get, they still run to me when they don't feel good, or have a bad day at school.  

So I'm getting used to this permanent state of change.  The minute things get too predictable, that's when you need to expect things to go awry.  I don't have tenure, or have a bigger home, or a problem free life, or a six month old, or expecting a baby in 1 month.  I do have a loving family that I appreciate now more than ever who keeps me on the sane path, I have a job at a school that I know I love and appreciate, with a wonderful support network in place, I have two healthy girls growing bigger and more independent every day, I have a husband who tries with all his might to give me everything that he thinks we may want to need, and, most importantly, I have hope.  

Dreams

Last night I had a dream.  Normally, I do have dreams, but I don't remember them.  Since the boys died (after Robbie and Rango too) I've prayed to have some dream, some way to see my boys to know they are okay.  I didn't get that.  I got other signs--dandelions, pennies and my husband  and daughter telling me what their dreams were about (one or two each, not many).  So, I learned to be content with that.
But last night, for some reason, I woke up and remembered my dream vividly.  And the more I thought about the dream, the more I realized where it took place, and who was there.
I was on my college campus.  It was present time, because I was walking with all my college friends and their kids (M and her son, K and her son, my roomate and her children, another friend M) and we were all our current ages.  Some current friends were there too.  And we were walking around the campus with strollers and bags, showing the kids where we went to school, and telling them stories of what we did.  And I was getting very tired, and wanted to go eat.  So I started questioning why we were still walking around.  They told me we just had to keep walking.  I handed a stroller off to my friend M, who in turn was trying to handle her very active son.  I held her son while we began our steep climb up to our campus.  I asked why we had to go up that road--there was a better road (on the other side of the campus) that we could get to the dining hall to.  But uphill we trudged, with K's son pulling and squirming, trying to get down and run up the big hill.
Finally, we reached the top of the hill, and they told me we were almost there.  I asked where, because I just wanted to sit.  Both of the little boys (D and C) were trying to run around and go back down the hill!  Finally, my friends told me they had to delay me for my baby shower, and if I could please just act surprised, there was a delay at the hotel restaurant, and that's why we were walking around forever.  I complied, but asked if we could please get to the hotel at least so I could just sit and the boys could run around in a contained facility.  They agreed, and off we went.  C and D took turns sitting on my lap once we got to the hotel, because I was sitting on a lavishly decorated swing, with lots of metal work on the top.  C kept trying to climb it to go upside down, and finally got his head stuck inside.  I was panicking, because his mom or dad wasn't around, and I was sure I was going to get in huge trouble!  But when K and M showed up, they laughed, freed C and then took me into the baby shower.
It was Sesame Street themed.  Presents, cookies, little cakes, and all decorations.  Everyone I knew was there, and so excited for us.  I was confused and angry because the family had agreed that if I got pregnant again, there would be no shower.  But everyone told me not to worry...this time was going to be fine.  Then I woke up.
As I went through getting ready, I was sorting out the details of the dream (like why my girlfriends sons were such a prominent role), and why Sesame Street (b/c it was the theme to my first birthday, and my mom and stepdad threw it for me), and why I didn't know I was pregnant in the dream (b/c i was seeing it through my eyes, and obviously i wasn't looking down at my belly!).  I can't analyze the dream much more than "A dream is a wish your heart makes, when you're fast asleep".  I wish I could get pregnant again, and be not stressed out and enjoy it.  I wish I could have a baby shower, but everyone is going to be too nervous to throw me one before the baby is even born.  I wish I could say I'll be positive throughout the pregnancy, but I know better.
But it was nice to dream of a happy occasion, one that I wish I could have.  Where reality wasn't so harsh.  And maybe one day I'll have another dream, showing me my heart's desires, and letting me think, even if for a little while, that it is a possibility in reality.

When It Rains, It Pours

I know I haven't posted recently. Since my last post I have gone downhill emotionally. It has been very hard to try to put my thoughts into words, let alone a coherent blog entry. I thought last week, while my daughters were visiting their grandparents, I would have time to write and reflect. But, alas, southern NJ was hit with an abnormal amount of rain, and instead was dealing with massive, localized flooding. Fortunately, our house and most of our neighbors' houses faired well, with just our local lake overflowing its banks.

Our backyard--complete with a waterview

One of the many water covered roads Monday

There are three lakes; We live closest to Elmer Lake. When the dam was opened, our overflowing lake poured into Palatine Lake, which then opened its dam to make the water flow into Centerton Lake. Unfortunately, Centerton Lake's dam was in need of some serious repair. For the last several years, Centerton Lake has been a dry bed. So there was no need for worry about the dam, so the locals thought. Luckily, because Centerton Lake had been dry, the damage to Centerton and Pittsgrove was not as bad as it could have been. But it caused a lot of damage, and road closures.

Centerton Lake/ Dam Monday

But it caused a huge headache for the beginning of the week. This impended our travelling we had planned for our "staycation". While we had to go around detours to do anything, and our "staycation" had detours of its own. Saturday we went to the Pennsylvania Ren. Faire, which was cancelled at around 3pm (we arrived around 1:30) because of flooding and severe thunderstorms.

The mass exodus from the Penn. Res. Faire (if you look closely the grass is completely flooded!)

The Queen--before the rain

Sunday, the day the flooding began in southern NJ, after going out to brunch and mass, we headed home to change and head back out. But we soon had to turn around as the water flowed over and through the corn fields, because our path out was quickly covered in water! By 4:30, the storms had passed and we had a brief respite from the rain, and rode our bikes around town, surveying the damage. The water was so high in some spots that it covered our back tires. I don't have pictures of this because I didn't want to risk losing the camera in case I fell in the water!
Back to our "staycation":
Anytime Tuesday or Wednesday that we attempted to go do something, mother nature intervened. By Tuesday we were so frustrated that we were fighting about everything. Our week together was turning into a nightmare. This wasn't how it was supposed to go--we needed this time to bond, to communicate before school started. We were picking up the girls Friday, and couldn't wait. We had had enough alone time together. My thoughts were not positive on our relationship. I didn't know what to do to help us get out of this bickering pattern.
But Wednesday night we went to a friend's housewarming. Unfortunately, because I have been having a rough couple of weeks emotionally (dealing with pregnancies, babies, etc), we weren't able to stay long. We stayed long enough to have dinner and visit...but then we said our goodbyes and headed out. As petty as it seems, there was a pregnant woman there, and while all of the adults were being very sensitive, and not talking about the pregnancy (my friend had briefed everyone before we arrived, which i was so appreciative for, but felt bad too), just her standing up, rubbing her back and belly, did me in. I felt the tears start, my throat got hot and dry and choked up. I knew I had to leave. And my husband and friend didn't even question it--they just understood.

We decided since we were 15minutes from Ocean City we would go walk on the boardwalk...why not? We hadn't done anything fun all week. And walk we did, and got gelato, and went on the ferris wheel where Mario proposed 3 years ago (it seems like so much longer!). This was apparently just the spark we needed to get over this rough spot. On the way home we were able to talk about everything that was bothering us--from how we are handling questions "do we have any children yet" and "are you going to try again", to discussing how we feel about trying again, and what happens if this all happens again. We were in a good spot. We were being honest, and open, and communicating. And it meant that I was a crying mess again. Thursday morning we woke up to my mom calling to tell me A was sick and running and fever. We had to run to pick her and her sister up and be back in NJ by 4 for a doctor's appointment. Our time together was over for now...but at least we had Wednesday night. And this weekend, whenever we tried to go anywhere, the weather still didn't cooperate, but we learned from last week to just laugh it off, and make the best of it. If we continue to fight when things don't go the way we planned, its just going to make us miserable and even more disappointed.

As we drove home from the shore today (after another rained out event), I held a box of Crazy Susan's cookies on my lap, and watched the rain hit the windshield. Just like many of us feel around here that we've had enough rain this year, I feel like I've shed enough tears to last a lifetime. And when the rain or tears come, its just not a little storm either. Its a whole deluge, where the volume is enough to break the dam. And sometimes the dam needs to be broken in order to show where the weakness is. Then the areas in need of repairs can be addressed and fixed. Just like we know how badly damaged the dam was at Centeron Lake, and how badly Mario and I needed to just open up the floodgates and talk. If not, the pressure would just build until the damage would be too much, and it couldn't be fixed. And hopefully this week, with our tears and fighting, we saw where our "dam" is weak, and we can work on making it stronger. We've already had so much pressure on our young marriage, and we are about to burst. Most days he and I wonder how we'll make it through. But if we continue to open the dam once in a while to release the pressure, and check every so often so make sure the supports are strong enough, maybe we will weather the next flood. And then a 3rd try, successful or not, may not be as scary.

Somewhere Only We Know

Ok---I will warn you, every time i hear this song I start to cry. so this post revolves around this song. so here's a warning, you might be crying at the end of the song. Its Somewhere Only We Know by Keane, and for most of us, the trailer to the re-release of Winnie the Pooh in theaters!



Today after i dropped my girls off at vacation bible school, i decided to go for a nice long bike ride--just me, my bike, the ipod, and my phone on silent. I knew I wanted to push myself to see just how far i could ride. Now that I've google mapped to see how far I went, I'm not impressed. But I knew it was easy, and I could have gone farther. The weather was perfect--we had some pretty impressive storms last night, so there is a great breeze, the sun is shining and the humidity is low. It was a perfect ride. Except that everytime I got to a song I liked on the ipod, i would put it in the basket, and the ipod would change it to a song it liked. how frustrating!

As I approached the 30 minute mark of my ride, this song came on the ipod. I know I start to cry. I learned this when the trailer for Winnie the Pooh came on the night we learned about Rango. Winnie the Pooh is my husband's favorite disney/kid themed movie. He has told me all about playing pooh sticks in the park. He has enlightened me on so many other Winnie the Pooh facts as well. I, on the other hand, have never seen or read Winnie the Pooh. I was a Cinderella girl. I couldn't be bothered with a boy playing in the woods with a bear who likes honey and a tiger (yes, i know tigger), and a not so optimistic eeyore. I see that I do relate to eeyore very well right now, and my husband, while i like to say is owl, can also be a tigger at times!
But I don't think I realized how important Winnie the Pooh is to my husband until we took his parents out to dinner a couple of weeks ago. For the first time, his dad (my father in law) told me stories of Mario when he was little. We've been together for 4 years, and I've never seen his dad get sentimental--i guess that's one way he's changed through losing his 2 grandsons. And i was told how he and my husband would walk to the park and play pooh sticks, and told me in detail what that was. My husband was stunned into silence, because he was taking it all in--his father was joyfully telling stories of times they spent together. But at the same time, my heart ached. I know he's tried to play pooh sticks with the girls, but they just aren't patient enough. I know he wants a baby to buy all the pooh stuff for.
i know i was planning for father's day to get him a little winnie the pooh doll...but after Rango I knew it wasn't a good idea. So, i thought this was why the song made me cry--all the broken hopes and dreams that winnie the pooh represented (and the song described).
so, being sad, and pedaling through the tears, i decided to stop at the cemetary on the way home. i wanted to see how robbie's tree was doing. i broke down, and cried. i kneeled down, and just prayed to God to let me have my babies back. I miss them so much. When I calmed down, I asked Him to please hold them on their laps, to read them stories, and give them a big hug and kiss for me, and tell them how much I love them. I thanked Him for my girls, and how I want to be there for them right now, but i know A really misses her brothers too, and E wants us to have another baby.
I asked for a sign, something, anything, that my boys were okay, and they were watching us. My husband and girls get pennies--which is awesome, and i know they love it. My mind was just racing, and I was crying, and a great wind came up. And for the first time, I quieted my mind-just to listen to the wind, the birds and the other noises. I kneeled there, and the tears stopped. I wiped my eyes, and went to stand up. As I stood up, I saw underneath me were two dandelions--just two. One was smaller than the other. I wondered how I had kneeled there, looking down and had not noticed them. At first I didn't think anything of it. Then i turned to the left, and there were four dandelions--all different sizes. I turned to the right, and there were five dandelions--4 that ranged in size from small to large, and one really tall one that was just about to bloom. I circled around, and didn't see any other dandelions in that area---or ones in other areas that were less than 5. I went and got my phone, and took pictures of the 3 clusters. I took the two dandelions (that were directly under me), and they are in the boys memory box.
When I asked for a sign, I was doubtful. I was looking for pennies, or something shiny. I tried to tell myself if they do send something, its a miracle, because how would I not have seen it while standing there. But of course-flowers. my husband and girls know how i love my butterfly garden, and spending time there. i've been trying to protect the thistle because butterflies do need it. just because its a weed doesn't mean its not important. and maybe i'm just being sentimental, and really grasping at stuff to make it fit. But i don't think so in this case...i think that was God and my boys way of telling me they were with me, at that spot.
"Oh simple thing, where have you gone"...you are right there in front of me... i just need to be still and rest...

EDIT: After looking up dandelions, I learned that :
"Dandelions spread further, are more difficult to exterminate, and grow under more under adverse circumstances than most competitors."

"Most gardeners detest them, but the more you try to weed them up, the faster they grow."

"It ís recommended for stressed-out, internally sluggish, and sedentary people"

It also has properties for people that are run-down.... (found at http://www.wildmanstevebrill.com/Plants.Folder/Dandelion.html). interesting...never knew a weed could do so much!
check out this information too: http://www.wildmanstevebrill.com/Plants.Folder/Dandelion.html

I haven't been blogging lately, although I have had tons of "blogs" written in my mind over the past week. i've been keeping busy, and made sure i am out of the house doing something every single day. plus my hubby and i have been on the atkins diet for 1 week. His doctor put him on it, and I figured since I wasn't losing weight fast enough for my liking, I would support him, and cook nice low carb meals for both of us. unfortunately, i learned tonight, while it was working a little for me (1 lb after 2 days with 50min of exercising daily, my hubby is losing 1 lb a day, no exercise), i cannot be on it anymore. i have another condition known as interstitial cystitis, which is a bladder condition, and I learned that low carb diets, which put you in ketosis, actually can worsen the IC, and makes it very painful--like an untreated UTI. not cool, but hey, at least I figured out why i don't feel good, and I celebrated by eating a bowl of special k and a guilt free 1/2 choc. chip cookie from "Crazy Susan's Cookies".

so between not feeling great, taking day trips with my daughters and husband, and taking my husband to see Harry Potter this weekend, by the time I have been getting home I have been too tired to type, let alone think! Which I guess is good.

I am trying to let myself grieve. I started reading "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart". I know many women who did read this after their child(ren) died, but a student's mother lent it to me to read a few months after Robbie died. It has sat on the bookshelf next to Robbie. I picked it up to read late last week only because the ipod's battery was dying, and I needed something to fill in 45minutes. I read that those women that allowed themselves to grieve when the emotions came fared better than those that tried to just be strong, and put on a brave face, and would grieve later. Its quite inconvenient, i must tell you. for me, it is easier to just force myself out of bed in the morning, and resign myself to the day ahead. i like planning, and i know if i don't plan something to do (like go to the pool, go to the beach, etc) i will probably just stay in bed. but by the night before, i have a plan in place. i'll get up, and put on blinders and go throughout my day. but apparently this isn't healthy.
so at Harry Potter on Saturday, my husband chose seats behind the only pregnant woman in the theater. I felt the tears, the hotness and my throat got tight. My blinders don't work when they sit right in front of me. I went to the ladies room to gain some composure, and allowed myself to reflect as to why I was getting upset. And after acknowledging that it was just a reminder of so many things that made me sad and mad (that i should be pregnant watching this movie,, eating popcorn and feeling rango kick, on top of the only reason we watched Harry Potter to being with was because after Robbie died we were home, waiting for the d & e, and even after the surgery, and needed something to occupy our minds. so really, we should be at the movies only after asking the grandparents to babysit 4mth old Robbie), i went back into the theater. it wasn't fun, but i just tried to focus on the movie ahead, and once the lights dimmed, I focused on not thinking about the woman in front of me, rubbing her belly, and adjusting her back to get comfortable. and as the credits began to roll, i moved quickly to exit the theater first to avoid seeing her. i know i don't know everyone's story, but that was about as brave as i could have been.
Then Tuesday we took the girls to Ocean City for a surrey ride, boardwalk rides, and mini-golf. And I swear every other woman that passed was pregnant! It got to the point where it was just ridiculous, and I told my husband I was almost to my breaking point. His suggestion? Just go over and start yelling at them. They'll be confused, but I'll probably feel better. I understand his frustration with not being able to help, and as much as I would LOVE to stand and just yell and cry at the pregnant women about how I was them, blissfully unaware of the potential dangers to the baby's we are growing, and to cherish each moment, yelling at someone wouldn't be productive. Plus, I really don't know their history. With my luck I would get someone who has had previous losses, and knows my pain all too well, and then I would feel crappy.
I know I can't avoid pregnant people. As I start a new position in the fall (even if its only temporary as a year long replacement for a teacher I was friends who had their first baby, and it taking another year on maternity leave), I realize I will come in contact with not just students that are pregnant, but also staff members, that are friends and have been so supportive for us this year! And I had better start figuring out this grieving process quickly, because I am not planning on being pregnant again, and I can't hold this grudge against pregnant people forever. Life didn't give me the path I wanted. So I wanted a third baby. I wanted to hold a newborn one more time, get up at night and change diapers, go through the firsts again. Instead, I have to cherish the two I do have, and know that I have two angels instead of infants. I was fortunate to be pregnant 4 times. To hear the heartbeat, see the baby moving on ultrasound, and feel the kicks and punches.
I know it'll hurt, and sting, when friends tell me they are pregnant. But I have to find a way to manage to be happy for them. I know with my husband's family, with the three pregnancies that were so close to my own, and two former co-workers, I don't know if I can accept and be happy for them. I hope they have successful, healthy pregnancies. I hope they get to all hold their newborns and cherish them. But to think on what I am missing just sets me back too far emotionally. I have to move on, and if that means for the present time (between now and Rango's due date) I do have to have blinders on for pregnant women, then I will. I just want to find some normalcy, some balance where I don't have to be on guard all the time. I want to be able to go out in public without worry of breaking down. And I known in time, I will be able to. Its just the part of allowing myself to grieve when I feel the need, instead of putting up a front. It will be healthier for all in the end.
so, this week has been very reflective for me, as in how am I going to survive and go on. I think having the mindset that I am not going to try again helps with the realization that I have to move on and make plans and attitudes that will help me. it helps me to focus on what the future holds (well, as much as I can plan the future, which we all know never works!), and to focus on the right now, and making today count. I can't think about October. I can't think about August. But I can manage thinking about today and tomorrow. Yesterday is gone. And this is the reality I am living in. Learning to live and love and trust in better things to come one day at a time.

Things are looking up...

While we were out today, the fertility doctor we saw yesterday called us on my cell phone. He said that he called to talk to Dr. Davis, and brought up what we talked about yesterday with the mutated x chromosome. Dr. Davis said it was possible and we can check it out, but he had just gotten a call from the doctor performing the pathology report, and he wanted to speak with us about those results first. So we were asked to call, and after waiting the longest 30 minutes of my life, the doctor called us back.
While the written report isn't signed off on yet, she is confident that there was a major problem with the placenta, and it was, as my doctor explained "like the placenta had a heart attack".
He still wants to wait on the chromosome results and the final report, but at least its something. And it can be treated aggressively with baby aspirin and heparin. Oddly enough, just as our doctor thought, the two losses were not related. At this point of the information at least.
Okay, i like information. Thank you Lord for an answer--finally!!!

Just missing my boys

I know I want to try to be more positive, but at this stage I am just not there yet. After a fertility specialist appointment (also reproductive endocrinologist), where that doctor is just a perplexed as all the doctors that we are seeing to figure out what happened, I am just resigned to say I am done. While I am trying not to lose all hope until we get the test results/ autopsy results next week, it is very difficult.
There are two leads of thought on what could be happening. But, all the doctors have said while this is highly unlikely, and it is unlikely either of these could be the reason why our sons died at 21w, one is more likely than the other, but they are both unlikely (did you follow the paradox? my mind is twisting from it too!).
the first is still being investigated, and that is blood clots. The second is that there could be a mutated x-chromosome that is inherited in my family, hence why there haven't been any boys (save 1) on my grandmother's side in 4 generations. There is a 50/50 chance that a baby could get the mutated x-chromosome. So apparently for both Robbie and Rango, they could have each gotten the mutated one, not the normal one. But if the baby is a girl, there is another x chromosome to make up for the mutated one. Hence why I have two daughters. The prognosis for this, so far, is a bit more drastic than we had anticipated.
But, there is still scenario 3: worse case scenario: i go on baby aspirin and /or heparin and try again. and hope it works. yeah, unfortunately, i'm not ready just to try again on the "let's see what happens". I'm a scientist, and I understand their mindset. but emotionally i just can't throw caution to the wind. or can i? we all exercise self-preservation...and that's all this is. I'm just glad that I don't need to make a definite decision for a while.
But, in the end, it all boils down to simply I miss my boys. I am grateful for my daughters, and that opportunity to raise them. I am grateful for my husband. And I am grateful that I could spend time with my sons no matter how short and limited the time was.
I just miss Robbie and Rango. That's it.

Looking from the outside in...

Before I start writing, I just need to clarify--this is about my husband's family, not mine. My family (I guess because we are so small, even though we do live distances away) has been so supportive and open to talking about Robbie and Rango. They don't pretend it didn't happen, and I know that when I have a bad day, I can contact anyone in my family and have the support I need. {EDIT: To avoid any hurt feelings, this is not intended to slam or insult my extended in law family. This is again, a journal of my raw emotions, intended to let other women who are experiencing the same grief that if they have the same thoughts or hurt feelings, they are not alone. My point in this post, after re-reading it several times, is that 1) all families handle grief differently. I am just struggling to understand being a part of a family that expects us to be happy for births when the deaths of our sons are not acknowledged and 2) denial of bad things happening in a family can lead to some very hurt feelings. like my husband said, after i wrote this post, my expectations were just too high from family, in general. i think i just want his family, who does see our posts on fb, to acknowledge that our sons existed and are a part of our family. but that may never happen, and i do have to accept that, without bitterness or anger. and i do, but just friday was a rough day and like i said, this is raw emotion. i do know that everyone handles grief and loss differently. it's why some people embrace us when they see us, and other people duck into an aisle in iga to avoid coming in contact with us. it's okay. we have a community around us that supports us...a church that is praying for us and is waiting to see us again, friends and neighbors who do listen and give advice, and are willing to sit with us and just talk, or take us out, but don't push us either if we aren't ready, and family who is concerned for us. And step by step we are walking this path of healing and acceptance.}
My husband's family is very large. In fact, there were a total of 4 of us due within a couple of months of each other--2 in august, 2 in october. One is the nasty cousin who was so rude and disrespectful after Robbie and wanted her stroller back right away. Yup--she is delivering in the next few weeks, and no, its not fair.
But I feel like I am on the outside looking in at a family that only a year ago my husband and I were so involved in. No one except his parents have even acknowledged our losses (well, b/c they were the grandparents), and one cousin. None of them (and they are all facebook friends) have looked at the pictures or said to us how sorry they are. Instead, they are posting about weddings and making plans. It is like we are invisible, or our luck is so bad they are purposely avoiding us (including my sister in law). My in laws don't talk to us about any of the cousins...I know its so I don't get upset. But if they would only realize if they recognized our loss, and spoke to us about Robbie and Rango, perhaps there wouldn't be a gap. We aren't going to reach out to them for anything...not when they didn't acknowledge what happened in the first place. They were all there when we got married, and when we were talking about trying to have a baby. But now, they are all gone. You wouldn't know that we are part of a young family. And I am really hurt. I'm supposed to be happy for their pregnancies (sorry, i'm not there yet, its not fair..especially for that cousin that is on her fourth baby and didn't want it, and we so desperately want our babies!), or the barefoot and pregnant wedding that happened while we were away.
I can't say any of this to my husband-it's not his fault, and i feel so bad b/c at least I have my family. He doesn't have anyone checking on him. I have my cousins, my parents, my aunt and uncle, my sister, my grandmother. His family is just avoiding us. For example, they are all going to the beach tomorrow for a week. And making plans. And where are we? Home, alone, with no family. I get that the rest of the family has so much to look forward too--they have babies and weddings. And what do we have? We are the black cloud on the family. They only want to hang around with other members that are happy and have a good life. I guess screw us.
I married into this family thinking how great it would be. They were close not just in age and in relationships, but also in proximity. Instead, our neighbors and friends know more and offer more support than his family. What a shame. And it just pains me even more.

When you can't cry anymore...

So its not enough that the universe has been pooping on me, but tonight, as a quick thunderstorm came through, I decided I wanted to sit and watch the storm outside.  And I was dry for a while, until a huge gust of wind came, and blew so much rain onto me I was drenched.  When I walked inside, my husband started laughing and said that's what I get for sitting outside--the universe sneezed on me.
but like i told my husband, we've had so much bad stuff happen in the last year and a half that I can't take it anymore.  I don't have any more tears to cry.  So my husband said maybe that was nature's way of giving me more tears to cry.  Probably....but I would like a happy ending instead.