Today in the mail I received a lovely necklace, containing three pieces, 2 of which had footprints and Robbie and Rango's name on it with little blue pieces that lay on top, the 3 was larger and says "Always in my heart". I don't know where it came from (it had a return address of Mn on it, but postmarked from Fl!)... but I would like whoever sent it to know, from the bottom of my heart, how thoughtful and wonderful of a gift it is. I put it on right away, and I am so touched someone thought of my boys enough to give me such a wonderful way to remember them. Our batteries are dead in the camera, or I would post it. Words cannot express how much this little token means so much! So thank you so much kind person...and may God bless you for thinking of us in such a sad time. I will cherish it always! I hope someday I can repay your kindness.
Thank you!!
Showing posts with label 21w loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 21w loss. Show all posts
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Monday, June 20, 2011
No Tears--Just Anger
I am pissed off at the world today. I haven't cried at all so far today. But the anger is right there--at everyone who says have a great day, or asks "how are you doing today". it's not fair, and i know deep inside no matter how much i fight or throw a tantrum, my babies are not coming back. my bump will not "magically" appear tomorrow morning, like God saying, ok, you've had enough, here's Rango back. the results of what happened to Rango will not be rushed, and we won't know what happened for a few more weeks. and that's if we even get answers.
we leave on saturday for a business training trip to florida. it was supposed to be our babymoon-we were going down the day before, and leaving two days after. i had motherhood coupons that i was going to use to get a few bathing suits and sundresses, to show off my cute little baby bump. but instead i gave the coupons to another pregnant woman i worked with who was due 5 days after Rango. and i'm in walmart, buying shorts that fit in case my crash diet and exercising doesn't work by saturday and i can fit into my summer stuff from last year. its not fair, and i am so pissed off. i should be enjoying my first day of summer break. instead i am finding ways to deny what is really happening.
i went downstairs to organize all of my teaching files (i was non-renewed about a month ago, and fortunately i was packed up before we learned about rango, so everything was home), and worked hard for an hour at going through files, sorting and organizing. my husband came downstairs to help with what we call our "homemade chemistry kits"--our own activities that he and i have put together. then he asked me if we could stop, because i'll have all next year to organize. i stopped and immediately teared up. i was thinking (and i don't know why) that i wanted to get it done now, because i wouldn't have time in the fall, with Rango. and in that one comment reality came crashing in. and now i'm on here.
i am not accepting what happened--i know Rango isn't here. i know robbie isn't here. for the first time in my life i can tell i am headed toward this slippery slope of depression, and i can't shake it. even my daughters coming back tomorrow isn't helping.
yesterday i made my husband pack up all of the baby stuff we had purchased when we had hope of bringing home a live baby, and brought it to my aunt's house. i couldn't stand having a room be in transition for a nursery that may never happen. i'm not sure what i'm going to do with it, but i need to make it useful. i can't handle this--i can't get through this. this is just too hard. my heart and faith are completely shattered, and honestly i have nothing to look forward too. i have no job, my daughters go to school in the fall, and i will be left alone with nothing but my empty house and my empty womb. and no hope, no faith. everyone keeps telling me things are going to get better--i just see things getting worse and worse. i can't see how i will survive this. i can't do anything and i'm a failure.
i miss my boys...i miss being pregnant...i miss having hope and being happy.
we leave on saturday for a business training trip to florida. it was supposed to be our babymoon-we were going down the day before, and leaving two days after. i had motherhood coupons that i was going to use to get a few bathing suits and sundresses, to show off my cute little baby bump. but instead i gave the coupons to another pregnant woman i worked with who was due 5 days after Rango. and i'm in walmart, buying shorts that fit in case my crash diet and exercising doesn't work by saturday and i can fit into my summer stuff from last year. its not fair, and i am so pissed off. i should be enjoying my first day of summer break. instead i am finding ways to deny what is really happening.
i went downstairs to organize all of my teaching files (i was non-renewed about a month ago, and fortunately i was packed up before we learned about rango, so everything was home), and worked hard for an hour at going through files, sorting and organizing. my husband came downstairs to help with what we call our "homemade chemistry kits"--our own activities that he and i have put together. then he asked me if we could stop, because i'll have all next year to organize. i stopped and immediately teared up. i was thinking (and i don't know why) that i wanted to get it done now, because i wouldn't have time in the fall, with Rango. and in that one comment reality came crashing in. and now i'm on here.
i am not accepting what happened--i know Rango isn't here. i know robbie isn't here. for the first time in my life i can tell i am headed toward this slippery slope of depression, and i can't shake it. even my daughters coming back tomorrow isn't helping.
yesterday i made my husband pack up all of the baby stuff we had purchased when we had hope of bringing home a live baby, and brought it to my aunt's house. i couldn't stand having a room be in transition for a nursery that may never happen. i'm not sure what i'm going to do with it, but i need to make it useful. i can't handle this--i can't get through this. this is just too hard. my heart and faith are completely shattered, and honestly i have nothing to look forward too. i have no job, my daughters go to school in the fall, and i will be left alone with nothing but my empty house and my empty womb. and no hope, no faith. everyone keeps telling me things are going to get better--i just see things getting worse and worse. i can't see how i will survive this. i can't do anything and i'm a failure.
i miss my boys...i miss being pregnant...i miss having hope and being happy.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Father's Day
Dear Robbie and Rango,
I need to tell you how much your father misses you. We both think Father's day and Mother's day are silly holidays, but it doesn't take the sting away that your dad should be holding one of you, or expecting to hold the Rango in a few months. But yesterday he told me that he found 2 pennies lying on the ground next to each other. After you died Robbie, your dad told me how he remembers someone telling him that sometimes our angels send pennies from heaven, as a sign. The fact that he found 2 pennies together means so much to him--that his boys are looking out for him.
He and I miss you both so much, and wish you were with us still. Your sisters talk about both of you constantly, and tell us what they think you are doing. I asked them tonight to tell me if they ever get to meet you in one of their dreams. You both know how much you were loved and wanted, and how we were so ready to bring you home to us!
But thank you for remembering your dad--i know he hurting so much.
I love you both,
Mommy
I need to tell you how much your father misses you. We both think Father's day and Mother's day are silly holidays, but it doesn't take the sting away that your dad should be holding one of you, or expecting to hold the Rango in a few months. But yesterday he told me that he found 2 pennies lying on the ground next to each other. After you died Robbie, your dad told me how he remembers someone telling him that sometimes our angels send pennies from heaven, as a sign. The fact that he found 2 pennies together means so much to him--that his boys are looking out for him.
He and I miss you both so much, and wish you were with us still. Your sisters talk about both of you constantly, and tell us what they think you are doing. I asked them tonight to tell me if they ever get to meet you in one of their dreams. You both know how much you were loved and wanted, and how we were so ready to bring you home to us!
But thank you for remembering your dad--i know he hurting so much.
I love you both,
Mommy
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Physically it's over, emotionally it continues
I am exhausted, both physically and mentally, but wanted to let everyone know that today went much smoother than last time.
Yesterday the doctor put in 17 luminaria, and i was contracting on and off all day, with back labor. my aunt was sure my membranes would rupture. but they didn't, and we made it to the hospital at our scheduled time at 10am. i was wheeled in around 11:45, and spent some time awake in the OR--what a chaotic messy place lol!
But I was woken up by my doctor shaking me, telling me they were able to get the baby out completely intact. My eyes shot wide open (quickest time for me ever waking up out of surgery), and i started asking if the placenta had blood clots or if the cord had problems--the answers were no, everything was perfect and healthy. so the questions remain, and the probing begins to find what happened. Even the baby was completely formed and healthy looking. he just looked like a 21w old (well, almost 22w old) baby asleep. they asked me if i still wanted to see him.
and after a nurse (who has helped me in the doctor's office since i was 7 weeks pregnant) checked to see, i was assured i needed to see him.
and we did--i got to hold him, wrapped up in his blanket, and look at his little face. such tiny little features. this same nurse, Susan, called Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, and they were there in 15minutes to take portraits, which I will post when we receive them.
My husband was able to hold his little foot, my mom helped with posing and therefore got to see more of the baby than the rest of us. Even my mother in law, who didn't think she would emotionally be able to handle it, was able to see her grandson.
And what I can say is this: Rango was meant to be a Rango--he had a Rango face--the name suited him. He looked identical to his father and shared many features--his nose, cheeks, chin, eyes and ear, and even his long feet. My mom said he had my fingers--figures, my kids at least always get my fingers! He also had very light blonde hair. you could just see it coming in. And he was pink--i wasn't expecting to see such a healthy baby to be honest. but there he was. my mom also said he was very long--which explains how i would feel punches and kicks from both sides of my abdomen.
After 2 hours, I knew I needed to get checked out physically to make sure the bleeding was under control, and as much as i hated to let him go, I felt so fortunate that I was able to see him and hold my little boy. i will never forget being able to meet him and kiss him. and i whispered to him "if love could have saved you, we would have". i've heard this phrase on the message boards so much, but today it made complete sense to me. 7 days ago, rango was causing havoc in my uterus--today i saw the little boy who had such a personality for 21w and 5 days.
i am looking forward to seeing the pictures and sharing our sweet boy with everyone. it is a privilege to know that God let me be his mother. hopefully he and his brother aren't destroying our heavenly mansions while we are here. his great grandparents better be keeping an eye on them! (side note: we saw invention of lying this week, so the idea of Robbie and Rango in a mansion without us is bittersweet, but i can live with that image).
Yesterday the doctor put in 17 luminaria, and i was contracting on and off all day, with back labor. my aunt was sure my membranes would rupture. but they didn't, and we made it to the hospital at our scheduled time at 10am. i was wheeled in around 11:45, and spent some time awake in the OR--what a chaotic messy place lol!
But I was woken up by my doctor shaking me, telling me they were able to get the baby out completely intact. My eyes shot wide open (quickest time for me ever waking up out of surgery), and i started asking if the placenta had blood clots or if the cord had problems--the answers were no, everything was perfect and healthy. so the questions remain, and the probing begins to find what happened. Even the baby was completely formed and healthy looking. he just looked like a 21w old (well, almost 22w old) baby asleep. they asked me if i still wanted to see him.
and after a nurse (who has helped me in the doctor's office since i was 7 weeks pregnant) checked to see, i was assured i needed to see him.
and we did--i got to hold him, wrapped up in his blanket, and look at his little face. such tiny little features. this same nurse, Susan, called Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, and they were there in 15minutes to take portraits, which I will post when we receive them.
My husband was able to hold his little foot, my mom helped with posing and therefore got to see more of the baby than the rest of us. Even my mother in law, who didn't think she would emotionally be able to handle it, was able to see her grandson.
And what I can say is this: Rango was meant to be a Rango--he had a Rango face--the name suited him. He looked identical to his father and shared many features--his nose, cheeks, chin, eyes and ear, and even his long feet. My mom said he had my fingers--figures, my kids at least always get my fingers! He also had very light blonde hair. you could just see it coming in. And he was pink--i wasn't expecting to see such a healthy baby to be honest. but there he was. my mom also said he was very long--which explains how i would feel punches and kicks from both sides of my abdomen.
After 2 hours, I knew I needed to get checked out physically to make sure the bleeding was under control, and as much as i hated to let him go, I felt so fortunate that I was able to see him and hold my little boy. i will never forget being able to meet him and kiss him. and i whispered to him "if love could have saved you, we would have". i've heard this phrase on the message boards so much, but today it made complete sense to me. 7 days ago, rango was causing havoc in my uterus--today i saw the little boy who had such a personality for 21w and 5 days.
i am looking forward to seeing the pictures and sharing our sweet boy with everyone. it is a privilege to know that God let me be his mother. hopefully he and his brother aren't destroying our heavenly mansions while we are here. his great grandparents better be keeping an eye on them! (side note: we saw invention of lying this week, so the idea of Robbie and Rango in a mansion without us is bittersweet, but i can live with that image).
Sunday, June 12, 2011
And the process begins
My husband and I don't know what is worse--this time or last. They are are different. We know what to do this time. We have to call the doctor at 10 to schedule the time to come into to place the luminaria in for day one. Then tomorrow and Tuesday are days two and three. Wednesday will be the d&e. Thursday and Friday recovery. We are trying to find a movie series to watch Monday and Tuesday when I will be cramping so badly the vicodin won't even help with the pain. I have contacted Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep to be available to take pictures in the slim chance the doctor can delivery the baby completely. They are calling today to discuss the details, but they are available for Wednesday. I am calling funeral homes to see about the cremation services. At least the routine of knowing what is expected is somewhat familiar and soothing.
Even our grieving has a pattern. I break down first, then my husband stays strong and silent. Then I become angry and withdraw completely. I am in that phase now. I am trying to numb myself so that maybe I won't feel the pain and hurt as intensely as last time. I am shutting myself down, and pushing everyone away because I just can't deal with this anymore. I know everyone is so hurt for us, and shocked, and wants to help but doesn't know how. But I don't need this. I know this is my fault, and if it wasn't for me no one would be hurting for us. Our families wouldn't be in such pain. I do think my families are better off without me. And if I pack up and start over, I can forget everything and have a new life. And everyone else will forget me in time, and move on.
But my husband doesn't respond well to me shutting down and shutting everyone out. So then when I become a fortress, he breaks down. And that was our last 24 hrs. Ending is us finally going to be at 11 in the morning and waking up around 3 in the afternoon. We watched a movie, and cleaned the house. He ordered dinner, and we went out to get my sleeping pills (which i know i'll need for the next several days), and the food he ordered. After dinner I decided it was time to pack up the maternity clothes and find all of my summer stuff from last year, and see what might fit next week. My neighbor had lent me a bunch of clothes, that I had finally put away last Friday. In 7 days they were all packed up. But, my closet couldn't be more organized. I purposely waited to put my regular clothes away because I didn't want to do this. But, we got too comfortable with the pregnancy. We felt safe. And we couldn't have been more wrong. I even bought 3 custom science/chemistry onesies (one with Rango's name with a molecular structure) for Mario for father's day. They arrived yesterday morning. I emailed cafepress to get the form to return them. They emailed us back right away, telling us they refunded us the fees, and please not to worry about returning the items, and they were so sorry for our loss.
So now, not only do we have a stroller system, a high chair, a pack and play, a changing table, a dresser, and 5 outfits and 2 packs of onesies and a pack of infant diapers, and a breast pump kit, we don't have a baby to use it in October. Plus 4 complete seasons of maternity clothes.
Plus, let's not forget my biggest guilt of all--Rango was due on my husband's birthday-10/15. And it is his 30th birthday. For his birthday I was going to give him a son. Now I have to worry if he begins to resent me. It's too much to hope that we will be given a clean bill of health to try again, and that's even if we wanted too. So there's no hope left. So thinking maybe we can try again. Maybe we'll be pregnant again by his birthday. But any chance of hope. of thinking its going to be that easy is out the window. We are left with two 21w babies who died. Robbie from a heart or kidney malformation. Rango, we still don't know. But we know they were both boys. That died at the same point in the pregnancy.
I don't understand how God would let me get pregnant again, only to carry the baby for 5 months, feel him kick and move. I just don't understand. If we weren't meant to have a baby, why let me get pregnant at all? I think it would be a bigger sign if I just couldn't get pregnant. We wouldn't question it then. But to let me get pregnant so easily, and quickly, and then lose my sons at 5 months--i don't understand. why do i have to suffer like this? why put my family through this? and why did my daughters have to be there again on Thursday when Rango was "sleeping" and so still? Surely they could have been spared that. I do think my family would be better off with out me. But right now I have to focus on the week ahead. I need to make it through Wednesday--for the sake of my family. To be fair, I just don't care anymore. Hurt me, cause me pain, make me uncomfortable. But spare my family this pain. This is all my fault, I must have done something. Why else does everyone around me get to have babies (there are 4 alone in our family), and I am the one who loses them again? It must be me.
Even our grieving has a pattern. I break down first, then my husband stays strong and silent. Then I become angry and withdraw completely. I am in that phase now. I am trying to numb myself so that maybe I won't feel the pain and hurt as intensely as last time. I am shutting myself down, and pushing everyone away because I just can't deal with this anymore. I know everyone is so hurt for us, and shocked, and wants to help but doesn't know how. But I don't need this. I know this is my fault, and if it wasn't for me no one would be hurting for us. Our families wouldn't be in such pain. I do think my families are better off without me. And if I pack up and start over, I can forget everything and have a new life. And everyone else will forget me in time, and move on.
But my husband doesn't respond well to me shutting down and shutting everyone out. So then when I become a fortress, he breaks down. And that was our last 24 hrs. Ending is us finally going to be at 11 in the morning and waking up around 3 in the afternoon. We watched a movie, and cleaned the house. He ordered dinner, and we went out to get my sleeping pills (which i know i'll need for the next several days), and the food he ordered. After dinner I decided it was time to pack up the maternity clothes and find all of my summer stuff from last year, and see what might fit next week. My neighbor had lent me a bunch of clothes, that I had finally put away last Friday. In 7 days they were all packed up. But, my closet couldn't be more organized. I purposely waited to put my regular clothes away because I didn't want to do this. But, we got too comfortable with the pregnancy. We felt safe. And we couldn't have been more wrong. I even bought 3 custom science/chemistry onesies (one with Rango's name with a molecular structure) for Mario for father's day. They arrived yesterday morning. I emailed cafepress to get the form to return them. They emailed us back right away, telling us they refunded us the fees, and please not to worry about returning the items, and they were so sorry for our loss.
So now, not only do we have a stroller system, a high chair, a pack and play, a changing table, a dresser, and 5 outfits and 2 packs of onesies and a pack of infant diapers, and a breast pump kit, we don't have a baby to use it in October. Plus 4 complete seasons of maternity clothes.
Plus, let's not forget my biggest guilt of all--Rango was due on my husband's birthday-10/15. And it is his 30th birthday. For his birthday I was going to give him a son. Now I have to worry if he begins to resent me. It's too much to hope that we will be given a clean bill of health to try again, and that's even if we wanted too. So there's no hope left. So thinking maybe we can try again. Maybe we'll be pregnant again by his birthday. But any chance of hope. of thinking its going to be that easy is out the window. We are left with two 21w babies who died. Robbie from a heart or kidney malformation. Rango, we still don't know. But we know they were both boys. That died at the same point in the pregnancy.
I don't understand how God would let me get pregnant again, only to carry the baby for 5 months, feel him kick and move. I just don't understand. If we weren't meant to have a baby, why let me get pregnant at all? I think it would be a bigger sign if I just couldn't get pregnant. We wouldn't question it then. But to let me get pregnant so easily, and quickly, and then lose my sons at 5 months--i don't understand. why do i have to suffer like this? why put my family through this? and why did my daughters have to be there again on Thursday when Rango was "sleeping" and so still? Surely they could have been spared that. I do think my family would be better off with out me. But right now I have to focus on the week ahead. I need to make it through Wednesday--for the sake of my family. To be fair, I just don't care anymore. Hurt me, cause me pain, make me uncomfortable. But spare my family this pain. This is all my fault, I must have done something. Why else does everyone around me get to have babies (there are 4 alone in our family), and I am the one who loses them again? It must be me.
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