And the process begins

My husband and I don't know what is worse--this time or last. They are are different. We know what to do this time. We have to call the doctor at 10 to schedule the time to come into to place the luminaria in for day one. Then tomorrow and Tuesday are days two and three. Wednesday will be the d&e. Thursday and Friday recovery. We are trying to find a movie series to watch Monday and Tuesday when I will be cramping so badly the vicodin won't even help with the pain. I have contacted Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep to be available to take pictures in the slim chance the doctor can delivery the baby completely. They are calling today to discuss the details, but they are available for Wednesday. I am calling funeral homes to see about the cremation services. At least the routine of knowing what is expected is somewhat familiar and soothing.

Even our grieving has a pattern. I break down first, then my husband stays strong and silent. Then I become angry and withdraw completely. I am in that phase now. I am trying to numb myself so that maybe I won't feel the pain and hurt as intensely as last time. I am shutting myself down, and pushing everyone away because I just can't deal with this anymore. I know everyone is so hurt for us, and shocked, and wants to help but doesn't know how. But I don't need this. I know this is my fault, and if it wasn't for me no one would be hurting for us. Our families wouldn't be in such pain. I do think my families are better off without me. And if I pack up and start over, I can forget everything and have a new life. And everyone else will forget me in time, and move on.

But my husband doesn't respond well to me shutting down and shutting everyone out. So then when I become a fortress, he breaks down. And that was our last 24 hrs. Ending is us finally going to be at 11 in the morning and waking up around 3 in the afternoon. We watched a movie, and cleaned the house. He ordered dinner, and we went out to get my sleeping pills (which i know i'll need for the next several days), and the food he ordered. After dinner I decided it was time to pack up the maternity clothes and find all of my summer stuff from last year, and see what might fit next week. My neighbor had lent me a bunch of clothes, that I had finally put away last Friday. In 7 days they were all packed up. But, my closet couldn't be more organized. I purposely waited to put my regular clothes away because I didn't want to do this. But, we got too comfortable with the pregnancy. We felt safe. And we couldn't have been more wrong. I even bought 3 custom science/chemistry onesies (one with Rango's name with a molecular structure) for Mario for father's day. They arrived yesterday morning. I emailed cafepress to get the form to return them. They emailed us back right away, telling us they refunded us the fees, and please not to worry about returning the items, and they were so sorry for our loss.
So now, not only do we have a stroller system, a high chair, a pack and play, a changing table, a dresser, and 5 outfits and 2 packs of onesies and a pack of infant diapers, and a breast pump kit, we don't have a baby to use it in October. Plus 4 complete seasons of maternity clothes.
Plus, let's not forget my biggest guilt of all--Rango was due on my husband's birthday-10/15. And it is his 30th birthday. For his birthday I was going to give him a son. Now I have to worry if he begins to resent me. It's too much to hope that we will be given a clean bill of health to try again, and that's even if we wanted too. So there's no hope left. So thinking maybe we can try again. Maybe we'll be pregnant again by his birthday. But any chance of hope. of thinking its going to be that easy is out the window. We are left with two 21w babies who died. Robbie from a heart or kidney malformation. Rango, we still don't know. But we know they were both boys. That died at the same point in the pregnancy.
I don't understand how God would let me get pregnant again, only to carry the baby for 5 months, feel him kick and move. I just don't understand. If we weren't meant to have a baby, why let me get pregnant at all? I think it would be a bigger sign if I just couldn't get pregnant. We wouldn't question it then. But to let me get pregnant so easily, and quickly, and then lose my sons at 5 months--i don't understand. why do i have to suffer like this? why put my family through this? and why did my daughters have to be there again on Thursday when Rango was "sleeping" and so still? Surely they could have been spared that. I do think my family would be better off with out me. But right now I have to focus on the week ahead. I need to make it through Wednesday--for the sake of my family. To be fair, I just don't care anymore. Hurt me, cause me pain, make me uncomfortable. But spare my family this pain. This is all my fault, I must have done something. Why else does everyone around me get to have babies (there are 4 alone in our family), and I am the one who loses them again? It must be me.