I Have to Start Somewhere....

Rango...why Rango you might ask?  If you followed my posts on the bump, you know that originally I nicknamed our baby Firefly.  However, at the perinatologist appointment 2 weeks ago, we brought home the ultrasound to show our daughters, and my 7 year old said the baby looked like a chameleon.  Then jokingly she said we should call him or her Rango.  And it stuck.  My husband is trying to get me to confirm that if this baby is a boy, his first name will be Rango.  And some friends agree.  I will say, I think more people will like Rango than Luciano (our original boy's name).
But this pregnancy has been filled with anxiety and fear.  I knew it wasn't going to be easy trying again, and carrying a baby again.  The uncertainty that no pregnancy is "safe", no matter how far along you are, is just numbing.  I am 11 weeks pregnant today, and part of me wants to breathe a sigh of relief that I'm almost to the 12 week mark.  Only to question, why, what is so important about 12 weeks?  I think this pregnancy will just be marked by milestone after milestone, important dr's appointment to the next.  Our next big appointment is next Friday, April 1st, with our favorite doctor, Dr. Davis.
When Dr. Davis called me in December to give me the chromosomal/ autopsy results from Robbie, and we were cleared to try again, he told me that he would walk me through the pregnancy, and see me as often as I wanted to ease my mind.  So, after our 6 week appointment at my OB's office, where we saw the first flicker of a heartbeat, I called him when we got home to tell him the good news.  His first comment/ question?  You must be a nervous wreck.  When do you want to come in?  We made an appointment for the following week (since we did just see the heartbeat, and the morning sickness was in full swing) and waited.
We both took off of work (on a Friday) because we were so nervous and distracted by the appointment.  And we found that we had a reason to be nervous and scared.  There apparently was a spot on top of the uterus.  And according to Dr. Davis, there wasn't anything we could do about it, good or bad.  Time would tell, and we would have to wait.  Not the reassuring words one wants to hear when you are looking at a blood filled spot above the tiny baby you are carrying.

At the end of the appointment I was grasping at straws.  I remember my aunt telling me she thought I was having twins because of my hcg levels (53 at 11 dpo, 14something at 13 dpo, and 4460 at 20 dpo.).  I asked if that's what it could be.  I saw his shoulders relax, and he looked again, and said that seemed more likely than anything else, but it was too early to tell.

At this point I withdrew from the bump, took off my ticker, and just wanted out the time with my husband and girls until we knew for sure.  A week later we went back, and learned that the spot wasn't a cyst or blood clot, but a vanishing twin.  Sadly, I was relieved, but it was short lived.  Because I realized that because we are being so closely monitored this pregnancy, we are going to see things on the u/s and bloodwork that probably have been like that in my other pregnancies.  But because we've never seen them before, they will give us cause to worry.  This pregnancy is just going to be a day by day experience.  Like the ladies on the bump say "Today I am pregnant and I love my baby."  I can't stop or change what is going to happen during this pregnancy.  I hope my husband and I get to hold and bring our little Rango home in October.  But something I missed out on with Robbie....I didn't enjoy each day I got to carry him and be his mom.  I didn't enjoy and cherish each day he was growing inside me.  And I am damn sure I am not going to let that happen again!

Friday is our next big milestone...our NT scan and chromosomal bloodwork.  If we had the NT scan with Robbie, we would have detected something was wrong.  So please send lots of positive thoughts and prayers our way.  Even if its just to soothe my nerves as Friday approaches.