Paranoia

Yup--I've been proud of myself so far.  Any time when my imagination runs away from me, or I start thinking something is wrong, I can find distraction, or talk myself down.  But this weekend I just couldn't.  It started with a blog of a woman from my old birth month board (yes, after my c-section date, and my due date coming up I thought I could go see how the women on that board were doing, knowing some of them already gave birth).  Sadly, her little one was born last Thursday, and died.  They knew the chances, and knew there was something wrong.  But my heart goes out to her and her husband.  And they are in my thoughts and prayers.
So that got me thinking that perhaps I really needed to get the support group started in South Jersey.  I had been putting it off because of how crappy I've been feeling.  But there are other women out there who need support and contact with women who have been here.  So to do that, I logged on to the bump, and put a message out to any local moms on the miscarriage/ pregnancy loss board and the south jersey board.  But I read more stories, which upset me (for both them and me), and then later that night made me start being paranoid.
Yes we heard and saw the heartbeat just last Wednesday--but how did we know Rango would still be okay Friday for the big NT scan?  So these thoughts on top of the extreme exhaustion on Saturday (I woke up at 9, cleaned the house, the nausea kicked in full swing and I was napping by 1, woke up at 4ish, and then fell asleep for bed at 9), and the nausea which came back full blast this weekend, had me freaking out to say the least!!!  I thought my hcg levels were dropping and I was reverting back into the early morning sickness phase.  Yes--I know, but at this point I couldn't talk myself out of the fact something might be wrong.
So Monday at 1 I just couldn't shake the nerves and I called my ob.  They brought me and and didn't make me feel stupid or silly.  They made me feel better, and hooked me up to the ultrasound machine, and sure enough, Rango was moving so much we couldn't even see the heartbeat.  S(he) was moving around like a little jumping bean.  Rocking back and forth, the hands were moving non-stop and the legs were moving.  You could see Rango's face.  I had no idea the details we could see at this stage (11w and some days).  Because of the movement, the heartrate was up to 178!  So, nothing, absolutely nothing was wrong.
And I was told to stop going on the bump as frequently until I could feel the baby moving on its on.
Sadly, as I told my husband about the movement I saw, I realized that with Robbie, he was never that active. We had an ultrasound at 11-12 weeks, and it sure wasn't as clear as it was yesterday.  The first time we saw his hands was at 18w--and it was still blurry (b/c of the fluid).  So strange reflecting on it now...if only we knew.  But for Rango, his/her big brother is watching over them, and we'll have to take comfort in that for now.