Yup--I've been proud of myself so far. Any time when my imagination runs away from me, or I start thinking something is wrong, I can find distraction, or talk myself down. But this weekend I just couldn't. It started with a blog of a woman from my old birth month board (yes, after my c-section date, and my due date coming up I thought I could go see how the women on that board were doing, knowing some of them already gave birth). Sadly, her little one was born last Thursday, and died. They knew the chances, and knew there was something wrong. But my heart goes out to her and her husband. And they are in my thoughts and prayers.
So that got me thinking that perhaps I really needed to get the support group started in South Jersey. I had been putting it off because of how crappy I've been feeling. But there are other women out there who need support and contact with women who have been here. So to do that, I logged on to the bump, and put a message out to any local moms on the miscarriage/ pregnancy loss board and the south jersey board. But I read more stories, which upset me (for both them and me), and then later that night made me start being paranoid.
Yes we heard and saw the heartbeat just last Wednesday--but how did we know Rango would still be okay Friday for the big NT scan? So these thoughts on top of the extreme exhaustion on Saturday (I woke up at 9, cleaned the house, the nausea kicked in full swing and I was napping by 1, woke up at 4ish, and then fell asleep for bed at 9), and the nausea which came back full blast this weekend, had me freaking out to say the least!!! I thought my hcg levels were dropping and I was reverting back into the early morning sickness phase. Yes--I know, but at this point I couldn't talk myself out of the fact something might be wrong.
So Monday at 1 I just couldn't shake the nerves and I called my ob. They brought me and and didn't make me feel stupid or silly. They made me feel better, and hooked me up to the ultrasound machine, and sure enough, Rango was moving so much we couldn't even see the heartbeat. S(he) was moving around like a little jumping bean. Rocking back and forth, the hands were moving non-stop and the legs were moving. You could see Rango's face. I had no idea the details we could see at this stage (11w and some days). Because of the movement, the heartrate was up to 178! So, nothing, absolutely nothing was wrong.
And I was told to stop going on the bump as frequently until I could feel the baby moving on its on.
Sadly, as I told my husband about the movement I saw, I realized that with Robbie, he was never that active. We had an ultrasound at 11-12 weeks, and it sure wasn't as clear as it was yesterday. The first time we saw his hands was at 18w--and it was still blurry (b/c of the fluid). So strange reflecting on it now...if only we knew. But for Rango, his/her big brother is watching over them, and we'll have to take comfort in that for now.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Saturday, March 26, 2011
I Have to Start Somewhere....
Rango...why Rango you might ask? If you followed my posts on the bump, you know that originally I nicknamed our baby Firefly. However, at the perinatologist appointment 2 weeks ago, we brought home the ultrasound to show our daughters, and my 7 year old said the baby looked like a chameleon. Then jokingly she said we should call him or her Rango. And it stuck. My husband is trying to get me to confirm that if this baby is a boy, his first name will be Rango. And some friends agree. I will say, I think more people will like Rango than Luciano (our original boy's name).
But this pregnancy has been filled with anxiety and fear. I knew it wasn't going to be easy trying again, and carrying a baby again. The uncertainty that no pregnancy is "safe", no matter how far along you are, is just numbing. I am 11 weeks pregnant today, and part of me wants to breathe a sigh of relief that I'm almost to the 12 week mark. Only to question, why, what is so important about 12 weeks? I think this pregnancy will just be marked by milestone after milestone, important dr's appointment to the next. Our next big appointment is next Friday, April 1st, with our favorite doctor, Dr. Davis.
When Dr. Davis called me in December to give me the chromosomal/ autopsy results from Robbie, and we were cleared to try again, he told me that he would walk me through the pregnancy, and see me as often as I wanted to ease my mind. So, after our 6 week appointment at my OB's office, where we saw the first flicker of a heartbeat, I called him when we got home to tell him the good news. His first comment/ question? You must be a nervous wreck. When do you want to come in? We made an appointment for the following week (since we did just see the heartbeat, and the morning sickness was in full swing) and waited.
We both took off of work (on a Friday) because we were so nervous and distracted by the appointment. And we found that we had a reason to be nervous and scared. There apparently was a spot on top of the uterus. And according to Dr. Davis, there wasn't anything we could do about it, good or bad. Time would tell, and we would have to wait. Not the reassuring words one wants to hear when you are looking at a blood filled spot above the tiny baby you are carrying.
At the end of the appointment I was grasping at straws. I remember my aunt telling me she thought I was having twins because of my hcg levels (53 at 11 dpo, 14something at 13 dpo, and 4460 at 20 dpo.). I asked if that's what it could be. I saw his shoulders relax, and he looked again, and said that seemed more likely than anything else, but it was too early to tell.
At this point I withdrew from the bump, took off my ticker, and just wanted out the time with my husband and girls until we knew for sure. A week later we went back, and learned that the spot wasn't a cyst or blood clot, but a vanishing twin. Sadly, I was relieved, but it was short lived. Because I realized that because we are being so closely monitored this pregnancy, we are going to see things on the u/s and bloodwork that probably have been like that in my other pregnancies. But because we've never seen them before, they will give us cause to worry. This pregnancy is just going to be a day by day experience. Like the ladies on the bump say "Today I am pregnant and I love my baby." I can't stop or change what is going to happen during this pregnancy. I hope my husband and I get to hold and bring our little Rango home in October. But something I missed out on with Robbie....I didn't enjoy each day I got to carry him and be his mom. I didn't enjoy and cherish each day he was growing inside me. And I am damn sure I am not going to let that happen again!
Friday is our next big milestone...our NT scan and chromosomal bloodwork. If we had the NT scan with Robbie, we would have detected something was wrong. So please send lots of positive thoughts and prayers our way. Even if its just to soothe my nerves as Friday approaches.
But this pregnancy has been filled with anxiety and fear. I knew it wasn't going to be easy trying again, and carrying a baby again. The uncertainty that no pregnancy is "safe", no matter how far along you are, is just numbing. I am 11 weeks pregnant today, and part of me wants to breathe a sigh of relief that I'm almost to the 12 week mark. Only to question, why, what is so important about 12 weeks? I think this pregnancy will just be marked by milestone after milestone, important dr's appointment to the next. Our next big appointment is next Friday, April 1st, with our favorite doctor, Dr. Davis.
When Dr. Davis called me in December to give me the chromosomal/ autopsy results from Robbie, and we were cleared to try again, he told me that he would walk me through the pregnancy, and see me as often as I wanted to ease my mind. So, after our 6 week appointment at my OB's office, where we saw the first flicker of a heartbeat, I called him when we got home to tell him the good news. His first comment/ question? You must be a nervous wreck. When do you want to come in? We made an appointment for the following week (since we did just see the heartbeat, and the morning sickness was in full swing) and waited.
We both took off of work (on a Friday) because we were so nervous and distracted by the appointment. And we found that we had a reason to be nervous and scared. There apparently was a spot on top of the uterus. And according to Dr. Davis, there wasn't anything we could do about it, good or bad. Time would tell, and we would have to wait. Not the reassuring words one wants to hear when you are looking at a blood filled spot above the tiny baby you are carrying.
At the end of the appointment I was grasping at straws. I remember my aunt telling me she thought I was having twins because of my hcg levels (53 at 11 dpo, 14something at 13 dpo, and 4460 at 20 dpo.). I asked if that's what it could be. I saw his shoulders relax, and he looked again, and said that seemed more likely than anything else, but it was too early to tell.
At this point I withdrew from the bump, took off my ticker, and just wanted out the time with my husband and girls until we knew for sure. A week later we went back, and learned that the spot wasn't a cyst or blood clot, but a vanishing twin. Sadly, I was relieved, but it was short lived. Because I realized that because we are being so closely monitored this pregnancy, we are going to see things on the u/s and bloodwork that probably have been like that in my other pregnancies. But because we've never seen them before, they will give us cause to worry. This pregnancy is just going to be a day by day experience. Like the ladies on the bump say "Today I am pregnant and I love my baby." I can't stop or change what is going to happen during this pregnancy. I hope my husband and I get to hold and bring our little Rango home in October. But something I missed out on with Robbie....I didn't enjoy each day I got to carry him and be his mom. I didn't enjoy and cherish each day he was growing inside me. And I am damn sure I am not going to let that happen again!
Friday is our next big milestone...our NT scan and chromosomal bloodwork. If we had the NT scan with Robbie, we would have detected something was wrong. So please send lots of positive thoughts and prayers our way. Even if its just to soothe my nerves as Friday approaches.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Rango
While I have a blog dedicated to the healing after the demise of our little boy Robbie at 21w1d, I wanted to keep a record of the journey of our new baby on a different blog. While I am still healing during this pregnancy, I remember all to well the pain and hurt I would feel reading about another's pregnancy, birth or little one. To be fair, I still have a hard time interacting with and dealing with pregnancy women. I can't look at them, talk to them, let alone smile and nod at them. It still hurts. And I know many think that that is just wrong. But its how I feel. While I may be pregnant again, I was robbed of being able to enjoy this pregnancy and anyone who can sit back and just relax, without worry of what its like to go in for a routine appointment and not hear the heartbeat, I am envious of.
But today, I am pregnant and I love my baby. I am approximately 9 weeks pregnant. Our due date is October 15, Mario's 30th birthday. On my good days, I can smile and think about how I'll plan his party. But for the most part, I just need to make it to the next milestone.
This Friday, March 11, the day after my 32nd (sorry, I mean 25th) birthday, we were able to breathe a sigh of relief. But more to our story to come later...
But today, I am pregnant and I love my baby. I am approximately 9 weeks pregnant. Our due date is October 15, Mario's 30th birthday. On my good days, I can smile and think about how I'll plan his party. But for the most part, I just need to make it to the next milestone.
This Friday, March 11, the day after my 32nd (sorry, I mean 25th) birthday, we were able to breathe a sigh of relief. But more to our story to come later...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)