Last night I had a dream. Normally, I do have dreams, but I don't remember them. Since the boys died (after Robbie and Rango too) I've prayed to have some dream, some way to see my boys to know they are okay. I didn't get that. I got other signs--dandelions, pennies and my husband and daughter telling me what their dreams were about (one or two each, not many). So, I learned to be content with that.
But last night, for some reason, I woke up and remembered my dream vividly. And the more I thought about the dream, the more I realized where it took place, and who was there.
I was on my college campus. It was present time, because I was walking with all my college friends and their kids (M and her son, K and her son, my roomate and her children, another friend M) and we were all our current ages. Some current friends were there too. And we were walking around the campus with strollers and bags, showing the kids where we went to school, and telling them stories of what we did. And I was getting very tired, and wanted to go eat. So I started questioning why we were still walking around. They told me we just had to keep walking. I handed a stroller off to my friend M, who in turn was trying to handle her very active son. I held her son while we began our steep climb up to our campus. I asked why we had to go up that road--there was a better road (on the other side of the campus) that we could get to the dining hall to. But uphill we trudged, with K's son pulling and squirming, trying to get down and run up the big hill.
Finally, we reached the top of the hill, and they told me we were almost there. I asked where, because I just wanted to sit. Both of the little boys (D and C) were trying to run around and go back down the hill! Finally, my friends told me they had to delay me for my baby shower, and if I could please just act surprised, there was a delay at the hotel restaurant, and that's why we were walking around forever. I complied, but asked if we could please get to the hotel at least so I could just sit and the boys could run around in a contained facility. They agreed, and off we went. C and D took turns sitting on my lap once we got to the hotel, because I was sitting on a lavishly decorated swing, with lots of metal work on the top. C kept trying to climb it to go upside down, and finally got his head stuck inside. I was panicking, because his mom or dad wasn't around, and I was sure I was going to get in huge trouble! But when K and M showed up, they laughed, freed C and then took me into the baby shower.
It was Sesame Street themed. Presents, cookies, little cakes, and all decorations. Everyone I knew was there, and so excited for us. I was confused and angry because the family had agreed that if I got pregnant again, there would be no shower. But everyone told me not to worry...this time was going to be fine. Then I woke up.
As I went through getting ready, I was sorting out the details of the dream (like why my girlfriends sons were such a prominent role), and why Sesame Street (b/c it was the theme to my first birthday, and my mom and stepdad threw it for me), and why I didn't know I was pregnant in the dream (b/c i was seeing it through my eyes, and obviously i wasn't looking down at my belly!). I can't analyze the dream much more than "A dream is a wish your heart makes, when you're fast asleep". I wish I could get pregnant again, and be not stressed out and enjoy it. I wish I could have a baby shower, but everyone is going to be too nervous to throw me one before the baby is even born. I wish I could say I'll be positive throughout the pregnancy, but I know better.
But it was nice to dream of a happy occasion, one that I wish I could have. Where reality wasn't so harsh. And maybe one day I'll have another dream, showing me my heart's desires, and letting me think, even if for a little while, that it is a possibility in reality.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Sunday, August 21, 2011
When It Rains, It Pours
I know I haven't posted recently. Since my last post I have gone downhill emotionally. It has been very hard to try to put my thoughts into words, let alone a coherent blog entry. I thought last week, while my daughters were visiting their grandparents, I would have time to write and reflect. But, alas, southern NJ was hit with an abnormal amount of rain, and instead was dealing with massive, localized flooding. Fortunately, our house and most of our neighbors' houses faired well, with just our local lake overflowing its banks.
There are three lakes; We live closest to Elmer Lake. When the dam was opened, our overflowing lake poured into Palatine Lake, which then opened its dam to make the water flow into Centerton Lake. Unfortunately, Centerton Lake's dam was in need of some serious repair. For the last several years, Centerton Lake has been a dry bed. So there was no need for worry about the dam, so the locals thought. Luckily, because Centerton Lake had been dry, the damage to Centerton and Pittsgrove was not as bad as it could have been. But it caused a lot of damage, and road closures.
But it caused a huge headache for the beginning of the week. This impended our travelling we had planned for our "staycation". While we had to go around detours to do anything, and our "staycation" had detours of its own. Saturday we went to the Pennsylvania Ren. Faire, which was cancelled at around 3pm (we arrived around 1:30) because of flooding and severe thunderstorms.
Sunday, the day the flooding began in southern NJ, after going out to brunch and mass, we headed home to change and head back out. But we soon had to turn around as the water flowed over and through the corn fields, because our path out was quickly covered in water! By 4:30, the storms had passed and we had a brief respite from the rain, and rode our bikes around town, surveying the damage. The water was so high in some spots that it covered our back tires. I don't have pictures of this because I didn't want to risk losing the camera in case I fell in the water!
Back to our "staycation":
Anytime Tuesday or Wednesday that we attempted to go do something, mother nature intervened. By Tuesday we were so frustrated that we were fighting about everything. Our week together was turning into a nightmare. This wasn't how it was supposed to go--we needed this time to bond, to communicate before school started. We were picking up the girls Friday, and couldn't wait. We had had enough alone time together. My thoughts were not positive on our relationship. I didn't know what to do to help us get out of this bickering pattern.
But Wednesday night we went to a friend's housewarming. Unfortunately, because I have been having a rough couple of weeks emotionally (dealing with pregnancies, babies, etc), we weren't able to stay long. We stayed long enough to have dinner and visit...but then we said our goodbyes and headed out. As petty as it seems, there was a pregnant woman there, and while all of the adults were being very sensitive, and not talking about the pregnancy (my friend had briefed everyone before we arrived, which i was so appreciative for, but felt bad too), just her standing up, rubbing her back and belly, did me in. I felt the tears start, my throat got hot and dry and choked up. I knew I had to leave. And my husband and friend didn't even question it--they just understood.
We decided since we were 15minutes from Ocean City we would go walk on the boardwalk...why not? We hadn't done anything fun all week. And walk we did, and got gelato, and went on the ferris wheel where Mario proposed 3 years ago (it seems like so much longer!). This was apparently just the spark we needed to get over this rough spot. On the way home we were able to talk about everything that was bothering us--from how we are handling questions "do we have any children yet" and "are you going to try again", to discussing how we feel about trying again, and what happens if this all happens again. We were in a good spot. We were being honest, and open, and communicating. And it meant that I was a crying mess again. Thursday morning we woke up to my mom calling to tell me A was sick and running and fever. We had to run to pick her and her sister up and be back in NJ by 4 for a doctor's appointment. Our time together was over for now...but at least we had Wednesday night. And this weekend, whenever we tried to go anywhere, the weather still didn't cooperate, but we learned from last week to just laugh it off, and make the best of it. If we continue to fight when things don't go the way we planned, its just going to make us miserable and even more disappointed.
As we drove home from the shore today (after another rained out event), I held a box of Crazy Susan's cookies on my lap, and watched the rain hit the windshield. Just like many of us feel around here that we've had enough rain this year, I feel like I've shed enough tears to last a lifetime. And when the rain or tears come, its just not a little storm either. Its a whole deluge, where the volume is enough to break the dam. And sometimes the dam needs to be broken in order to show where the weakness is. Then the areas in need of repairs can be addressed and fixed. Just like we know how badly damaged the dam was at Centeron Lake, and how badly Mario and I needed to just open up the floodgates and talk. If not, the pressure would just build until the damage would be too much, and it couldn't be fixed. And hopefully this week, with our tears and fighting, we saw where our "dam" is weak, and we can work on making it stronger. We've already had so much pressure on our young marriage, and we are about to burst. Most days he and I wonder how we'll make it through. But if we continue to open the dam once in a while to release the pressure, and check every so often so make sure the supports are strong enough, maybe we will weather the next flood. And then a 3rd try, successful or not, may not be as scary.
 |
| Our backyard--complete with a waterview |
 |
| One of the many water covered roads Monday |
There are three lakes; We live closest to Elmer Lake. When the dam was opened, our overflowing lake poured into Palatine Lake, which then opened its dam to make the water flow into Centerton Lake. Unfortunately, Centerton Lake's dam was in need of some serious repair. For the last several years, Centerton Lake has been a dry bed. So there was no need for worry about the dam, so the locals thought. Luckily, because Centerton Lake had been dry, the damage to Centerton and Pittsgrove was not as bad as it could have been. But it caused a lot of damage, and road closures.
 |
| Centerton Lake/ Dam Monday |
But it caused a huge headache for the beginning of the week. This impended our travelling we had planned for our "staycation". While we had to go around detours to do anything, and our "staycation" had detours of its own. Saturday we went to the Pennsylvania Ren. Faire, which was cancelled at around 3pm (we arrived around 1:30) because of flooding and severe thunderstorms.
 |
| The mass exodus from the Penn. Res. Faire (if you look closely the grass is completely flooded!) |
 |
| The Queen--before the rain |
Sunday, the day the flooding began in southern NJ, after going out to brunch and mass, we headed home to change and head back out. But we soon had to turn around as the water flowed over and through the corn fields, because our path out was quickly covered in water! By 4:30, the storms had passed and we had a brief respite from the rain, and rode our bikes around town, surveying the damage. The water was so high in some spots that it covered our back tires. I don't have pictures of this because I didn't want to risk losing the camera in case I fell in the water!
Back to our "staycation":
Anytime Tuesday or Wednesday that we attempted to go do something, mother nature intervened. By Tuesday we were so frustrated that we were fighting about everything. Our week together was turning into a nightmare. This wasn't how it was supposed to go--we needed this time to bond, to communicate before school started. We were picking up the girls Friday, and couldn't wait. We had had enough alone time together. My thoughts were not positive on our relationship. I didn't know what to do to help us get out of this bickering pattern.
But Wednesday night we went to a friend's housewarming. Unfortunately, because I have been having a rough couple of weeks emotionally (dealing with pregnancies, babies, etc), we weren't able to stay long. We stayed long enough to have dinner and visit...but then we said our goodbyes and headed out. As petty as it seems, there was a pregnant woman there, and while all of the adults were being very sensitive, and not talking about the pregnancy (my friend had briefed everyone before we arrived, which i was so appreciative for, but felt bad too), just her standing up, rubbing her back and belly, did me in. I felt the tears start, my throat got hot and dry and choked up. I knew I had to leave. And my husband and friend didn't even question it--they just understood.
We decided since we were 15minutes from Ocean City we would go walk on the boardwalk...why not? We hadn't done anything fun all week. And walk we did, and got gelato, and went on the ferris wheel where Mario proposed 3 years ago (it seems like so much longer!). This was apparently just the spark we needed to get over this rough spot. On the way home we were able to talk about everything that was bothering us--from how we are handling questions "do we have any children yet" and "are you going to try again", to discussing how we feel about trying again, and what happens if this all happens again. We were in a good spot. We were being honest, and open, and communicating. And it meant that I was a crying mess again. Thursday morning we woke up to my mom calling to tell me A was sick and running and fever. We had to run to pick her and her sister up and be back in NJ by 4 for a doctor's appointment. Our time together was over for now...but at least we had Wednesday night. And this weekend, whenever we tried to go anywhere, the weather still didn't cooperate, but we learned from last week to just laugh it off, and make the best of it. If we continue to fight when things don't go the way we planned, its just going to make us miserable and even more disappointed.
As we drove home from the shore today (after another rained out event), I held a box of Crazy Susan's cookies on my lap, and watched the rain hit the windshield. Just like many of us feel around here that we've had enough rain this year, I feel like I've shed enough tears to last a lifetime. And when the rain or tears come, its just not a little storm either. Its a whole deluge, where the volume is enough to break the dam. And sometimes the dam needs to be broken in order to show where the weakness is. Then the areas in need of repairs can be addressed and fixed. Just like we know how badly damaged the dam was at Centeron Lake, and how badly Mario and I needed to just open up the floodgates and talk. If not, the pressure would just build until the damage would be too much, and it couldn't be fixed. And hopefully this week, with our tears and fighting, we saw where our "dam" is weak, and we can work on making it stronger. We've already had so much pressure on our young marriage, and we are about to burst. Most days he and I wonder how we'll make it through. But if we continue to open the dam once in a while to release the pressure, and check every so often so make sure the supports are strong enough, maybe we will weather the next flood. And then a 3rd try, successful or not, may not be as scary.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Expect the Unexpected
A few weeks ago I wrote about expectations, and how I needed to learn to stop expecting people to treat me the way I would want to be treated. You can say its a grim way to look at the world. As a teacher, I pride myself that I hold myself and my students to high expectations. I want them to do better, do more, and be nicer. I expect the same of myself. So to lower or rid myself of expectations of others, including family, has been a real struggle. But this week I have been reminded over and over of the kindness and goodness in others. I am speechless of everything that I've seen and experienced this week just by letting go. They were reminders that 1) I truly am not in control of anything, 2) sometimes sadness and happiness exist at the same time, but in the end looking beyond yourself and working through the hurt, the happiness and joy is much great than the sadness and grief, and 3) There are truly caring, thoughtful individuals who exist still!
This week my husband received a package in the mail. The return address was from the same company that sent me the necklace with my boys names back in June. When he opened it, he found a keychain. On it were two pennies, engraved with Robbie and Rango's names, and a larger circle, with "Pennies From Heaven" engraved on it. Here are the pictures so you can see for yourself what wonderfully touching and sentimental gifts we have been given, anonymously.
All we can say is that we are overwhelmed by the thoughtfulness of the gifts, as they serve as a constant reminder of our boys, and we can wear/bring them with us in our daily tasks. I love my necklace, and no matter what occasion, I will wear it. I wore it to my job interview, I wear it on bike rides. It gives me a sense of comfort. My husband has been inseparable with his keyring since it arrived. Hence why it has taken me until Saturday night to write about it. I wanted to post the pictures, and he's been at work with it! They are tangible reminders that while our boys aren't with us physically (its been 9 months since Robbie died, and 8 weeks since Rango died), they are still a very big part of us, and always will be. So again, a thank you to the person or persons who made this possible! Your kindness and thoughtfulness are so overwhelming to us.
**The shop is wordinspired, on etsy. These are custom jobs, and so well made. Thank you for your gift and craftmanship to make these items that are more to us than just a necklace and keyring.
And, these gifts are also a sign of someone looking beyond themselves, to help a couple in their darkest times. It is such a selfless gift, to acknowledge as a parent what we need while we grieve. And these are perfect! (I will add this one last part--its not a target gift card! these are appropriate ways to let someone know you care and are thinking of them!). they are also totally unnecessary, and we know that they person or persons who sent them didn't have to go out of their way to do this for us. But we are grateful they thought of us and our boys.
One can pay back the loan of gold, but one dies forever in debt to those who are kind. ~Malayan Proverb
I have been surrounded by love and kindness this week. From my friends (online and in real life) and most of our family. Even two of my pregnant friends have shown me their patience and understanding by not pressuring me to see them unless I am ready. Most pregnant women avoid me at all costs, like I am cursed or taboo. But these friends embrace me, discuss my boys, and listen to my endless chatter. One friend, due in January, even took A for an afternoon, then out to dinner (our girls are friends), and bought her school supplies! She wouldn't even let me pay her back--I was speechless, and yet so grateful. She was gagging and in the midst of morning sickness, but was okay having my daughter for a day.
Another friend had E over to play, and had her stay for dinner too. This mom was exhausted (and also sick), after running VBS all week, but it was okay. I hope to repay their kindness soon.
While this week was emotionally exhausting, it did end on another positive note--I was able to get myself together and go to my girlfriend's little boy's first birthday party. I had originally rsvp'd no, and she completely understood. But I made up my mind on Monday that I needed to go--not for me, but for her. And it was wonderful. I won't lie--it was difficult, seeing all the little babies and pregnant moms. But the fact I could get back to being supportive for my friend was worth any moment of sadness I had.
And while I still do think I have to work on not expecting anything from anyone, I am glad that these friends are proving me wrong. I also want all these friends to know how much I appreciate them, and I am so glad they are in my life.
“At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.” — Albert Schweitzer
Thank you for re-lighting my flame, all those who have thought of us!
This week my husband received a package in the mail. The return address was from the same company that sent me the necklace with my boys names back in June. When he opened it, he found a keychain. On it were two pennies, engraved with Robbie and Rango's names, and a larger circle, with "Pennies From Heaven" engraved on it. Here are the pictures so you can see for yourself what wonderfully touching and sentimental gifts we have been given, anonymously.
All we can say is that we are overwhelmed by the thoughtfulness of the gifts, as they serve as a constant reminder of our boys, and we can wear/bring them with us in our daily tasks. I love my necklace, and no matter what occasion, I will wear it. I wore it to my job interview, I wear it on bike rides. It gives me a sense of comfort. My husband has been inseparable with his keyring since it arrived. Hence why it has taken me until Saturday night to write about it. I wanted to post the pictures, and he's been at work with it! They are tangible reminders that while our boys aren't with us physically (its been 9 months since Robbie died, and 8 weeks since Rango died), they are still a very big part of us, and always will be. So again, a thank you to the person or persons who made this possible! Your kindness and thoughtfulness are so overwhelming to us.
**The shop is wordinspired, on etsy. These are custom jobs, and so well made. Thank you for your gift and craftmanship to make these items that are more to us than just a necklace and keyring.
And, these gifts are also a sign of someone looking beyond themselves, to help a couple in their darkest times. It is such a selfless gift, to acknowledge as a parent what we need while we grieve. And these are perfect! (I will add this one last part--its not a target gift card! these are appropriate ways to let someone know you care and are thinking of them!). they are also totally unnecessary, and we know that they person or persons who sent them didn't have to go out of their way to do this for us. But we are grateful they thought of us and our boys.
One can pay back the loan of gold, but one dies forever in debt to those who are kind. ~Malayan Proverb
I have been surrounded by love and kindness this week. From my friends (online and in real life) and most of our family. Even two of my pregnant friends have shown me their patience and understanding by not pressuring me to see them unless I am ready. Most pregnant women avoid me at all costs, like I am cursed or taboo. But these friends embrace me, discuss my boys, and listen to my endless chatter. One friend, due in January, even took A for an afternoon, then out to dinner (our girls are friends), and bought her school supplies! She wouldn't even let me pay her back--I was speechless, and yet so grateful. She was gagging and in the midst of morning sickness, but was okay having my daughter for a day.
Another friend had E over to play, and had her stay for dinner too. This mom was exhausted (and also sick), after running VBS all week, but it was okay. I hope to repay their kindness soon.
While this week was emotionally exhausting, it did end on another positive note--I was able to get myself together and go to my girlfriend's little boy's first birthday party. I had originally rsvp'd no, and she completely understood. But I made up my mind on Monday that I needed to go--not for me, but for her. And it was wonderful. I won't lie--it was difficult, seeing all the little babies and pregnant moms. But the fact I could get back to being supportive for my friend was worth any moment of sadness I had.
And while I still do think I have to work on not expecting anything from anyone, I am glad that these friends are proving me wrong. I also want all these friends to know how much I appreciate them, and I am so glad they are in my life.
“At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.” — Albert Schweitzer
Thank you for re-lighting my flame, all those who have thought of us!
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Somewhere Only We Know
Ok---I will warn you, every time i hear this song I start to cry. so this post revolves around this song. so here's a warning, you might be crying at the end of the song. Its Somewhere Only We Know by Keane, and for most of us, the trailer to the re-release of Winnie the Pooh in theaters!
Today after i dropped my girls off at vacation bible school, i decided to go for a nice long bike ride--just me, my bike, the ipod, and my phone on silent. I knew I wanted to push myself to see just how far i could ride. Now that I've google mapped to see how far I went, I'm not impressed. But I knew it was easy, and I could have gone farther. The weather was perfect--we had some pretty impressive storms last night, so there is a great breeze, the sun is shining and the humidity is low. It was a perfect ride. Except that everytime I got to a song I liked on the ipod, i would put it in the basket, and the ipod would change it to a song it liked. how frustrating!
As I approached the 30 minute mark of my ride, this song came on the ipod. I know I start to cry. I learned this when the trailer for Winnie the Pooh came on the night we learned about Rango. Winnie the Pooh is my husband's favorite disney/kid themed movie. He has told me all about playing pooh sticks in the park. He has enlightened me on so many other Winnie the Pooh facts as well. I, on the other hand, have never seen or read Winnie the Pooh. I was a Cinderella girl. I couldn't be bothered with a boy playing in the woods with a bear who likes honey and a tiger (yes, i know tigger), and a not so optimistic eeyore. I see that I do relate to eeyore very well right now, and my husband, while i like to say is owl, can also be a tigger at times!
But I don't think I realized how important Winnie the Pooh is to my husband until we took his parents out to dinner a couple of weeks ago. For the first time, his dad (my father in law) told me stories of Mario when he was little. We've been together for 4 years, and I've never seen his dad get sentimental--i guess that's one way he's changed through losing his 2 grandsons. And i was told how he and my husband would walk to the park and play pooh sticks, and told me in detail what that was. My husband was stunned into silence, because he was taking it all in--his father was joyfully telling stories of times they spent together. But at the same time, my heart ached. I know he's tried to play pooh sticks with the girls, but they just aren't patient enough. I know he wants a baby to buy all the pooh stuff for.
i know i was planning for father's day to get him a little winnie the pooh doll...but after Rango I knew it wasn't a good idea. So, i thought this was why the song made me cry--all the broken hopes and dreams that winnie the pooh represented (and the song described).
so, being sad, and pedaling through the tears, i decided to stop at the cemetary on the way home. i wanted to see how robbie's tree was doing. i broke down, and cried. i kneeled down, and just prayed to God to let me have my babies back. I miss them so much. When I calmed down, I asked Him to please hold them on their laps, to read them stories, and give them a big hug and kiss for me, and tell them how much I love them. I thanked Him for my girls, and how I want to be there for them right now, but i know A really misses her brothers too, and E wants us to have another baby.
I asked for a sign, something, anything, that my boys were okay, and they were watching us. My husband and girls get pennies--which is awesome, and i know they love it. My mind was just racing, and I was crying, and a great wind came up. And for the first time, I quieted my mind-just to listen to the wind, the birds and the other noises. I kneeled there, and the tears stopped. I wiped my eyes, and went to stand up. As I stood up, I saw underneath me were two dandelions--just two. One was smaller than the other. I wondered how I had kneeled there, looking down and had not noticed them. At first I didn't think anything of it. Then i turned to the left, and there were four dandelions--all different sizes. I turned to the right, and there were five dandelions--4 that ranged in size from small to large, and one really tall one that was just about to bloom. I circled around, and didn't see any other dandelions in that area---or ones in other areas that were less than 5. I went and got my phone, and took pictures of the 3 clusters. I took the two dandelions (that were directly under me), and they are in the boys memory box.
When I asked for a sign, I was doubtful. I was looking for pennies, or something shiny. I tried to tell myself if they do send something, its a miracle, because how would I not have seen it while standing there. But of course-flowers. my husband and girls know how i love my butterfly garden, and spending time there. i've been trying to protect the thistle because butterflies do need it. just because its a weed doesn't mean its not important. and maybe i'm just being sentimental, and really grasping at stuff to make it fit. But i don't think so in this case...i think that was God and my boys way of telling me they were with me, at that spot.
"Oh simple thing, where have you gone"...you are right there in front of me... i just need to be still and rest...
EDIT: After looking up dandelions, I learned that :
"Dandelions spread further, are more difficult to exterminate, and grow under more under adverse circumstances than most competitors."
"Most gardeners detest them, but the more you try to weed them up, the faster they grow."
"It ís recommended for stressed-out, internally sluggish, and sedentary people"
It also has properties for people that are run-down.... (found at http://www.wildmanstevebrill.com/Plants.Folder/Dandelion.html). interesting...never knew a weed could do so much!
check out this information too: http://www.wildmanstevebrill.com/Plants.Folder/Dandelion.html
Today after i dropped my girls off at vacation bible school, i decided to go for a nice long bike ride--just me, my bike, the ipod, and my phone on silent. I knew I wanted to push myself to see just how far i could ride. Now that I've google mapped to see how far I went, I'm not impressed. But I knew it was easy, and I could have gone farther. The weather was perfect--we had some pretty impressive storms last night, so there is a great breeze, the sun is shining and the humidity is low. It was a perfect ride. Except that everytime I got to a song I liked on the ipod, i would put it in the basket, and the ipod would change it to a song it liked. how frustrating!
As I approached the 30 minute mark of my ride, this song came on the ipod. I know I start to cry. I learned this when the trailer for Winnie the Pooh came on the night we learned about Rango. Winnie the Pooh is my husband's favorite disney/kid themed movie. He has told me all about playing pooh sticks in the park. He has enlightened me on so many other Winnie the Pooh facts as well. I, on the other hand, have never seen or read Winnie the Pooh. I was a Cinderella girl. I couldn't be bothered with a boy playing in the woods with a bear who likes honey and a tiger (yes, i know tigger), and a not so optimistic eeyore. I see that I do relate to eeyore very well right now, and my husband, while i like to say is owl, can also be a tigger at times!
But I don't think I realized how important Winnie the Pooh is to my husband until we took his parents out to dinner a couple of weeks ago. For the first time, his dad (my father in law) told me stories of Mario when he was little. We've been together for 4 years, and I've never seen his dad get sentimental--i guess that's one way he's changed through losing his 2 grandsons. And i was told how he and my husband would walk to the park and play pooh sticks, and told me in detail what that was. My husband was stunned into silence, because he was taking it all in--his father was joyfully telling stories of times they spent together. But at the same time, my heart ached. I know he's tried to play pooh sticks with the girls, but they just aren't patient enough. I know he wants a baby to buy all the pooh stuff for.
i know i was planning for father's day to get him a little winnie the pooh doll...but after Rango I knew it wasn't a good idea. So, i thought this was why the song made me cry--all the broken hopes and dreams that winnie the pooh represented (and the song described).
so, being sad, and pedaling through the tears, i decided to stop at the cemetary on the way home. i wanted to see how robbie's tree was doing. i broke down, and cried. i kneeled down, and just prayed to God to let me have my babies back. I miss them so much. When I calmed down, I asked Him to please hold them on their laps, to read them stories, and give them a big hug and kiss for me, and tell them how much I love them. I thanked Him for my girls, and how I want to be there for them right now, but i know A really misses her brothers too, and E wants us to have another baby.
I asked for a sign, something, anything, that my boys were okay, and they were watching us. My husband and girls get pennies--which is awesome, and i know they love it. My mind was just racing, and I was crying, and a great wind came up. And for the first time, I quieted my mind-just to listen to the wind, the birds and the other noises. I kneeled there, and the tears stopped. I wiped my eyes, and went to stand up. As I stood up, I saw underneath me were two dandelions--just two. One was smaller than the other. I wondered how I had kneeled there, looking down and had not noticed them. At first I didn't think anything of it. Then i turned to the left, and there were four dandelions--all different sizes. I turned to the right, and there were five dandelions--4 that ranged in size from small to large, and one really tall one that was just about to bloom. I circled around, and didn't see any other dandelions in that area---or ones in other areas that were less than 5. I went and got my phone, and took pictures of the 3 clusters. I took the two dandelions (that were directly under me), and they are in the boys memory box.
When I asked for a sign, I was doubtful. I was looking for pennies, or something shiny. I tried to tell myself if they do send something, its a miracle, because how would I not have seen it while standing there. But of course-flowers. my husband and girls know how i love my butterfly garden, and spending time there. i've been trying to protect the thistle because butterflies do need it. just because its a weed doesn't mean its not important. and maybe i'm just being sentimental, and really grasping at stuff to make it fit. But i don't think so in this case...i think that was God and my boys way of telling me they were with me, at that spot.
"Oh simple thing, where have you gone"...you are right there in front of me... i just need to be still and rest...
EDIT: After looking up dandelions, I learned that :
"Dandelions spread further, are more difficult to exterminate, and grow under more under adverse circumstances than most competitors."
"Most gardeners detest them, but the more you try to weed them up, the faster they grow."
"It ís recommended for stressed-out,
It also has properties for people that are run-down.... (found at http://www.wildmanstevebrill.com/Plants.Folder/Dandelion.html). interesting...never knew a weed could do so much!
check out this information too: http://www.wildmanstevebrill.com/Plants.Folder/Dandelion.html
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