Variables and Constants

“The only thing constant in life is change”  Francois de la Rochefoucauld

First, let me start by apologizing for not posting more frequently.  It has been a terribly difficult month for me emotionally...reminders at every turn of what we have lost.  And I have found that the best way I can handle my emotions is staying terribly busy, so that at night I have no choice but to lay down and sleep from exhaustion!  Its a good kind of busy--positive energy.  I am busy at work, adjusting to being back to my old stomping ground; busy at home, with my two daughters and school and the chaotic-ness that comes with the start of new routines; busy on the weekends, trying new things and making memories with my family; busy planning October 15th's event, an event that is both bitter and sweet, and oh so necessary.  It's not easy.  Many mornings I want to just pull the covers up and stay in bed.  But I know I don't have the time to allow myself a pity party.  As our priest said during the homily on Sunday, why do we think life has to be fair?  That's a misconception on our part as human beings.  And what is fair to us may not be fair to someone else.  And while I still don't think its fair for any of us to have ever had the loss of a child, I can understand the priest's point of view.  Only God knows what is fair for us.  And it also may not be fair for "right now".  Fair doesn't mean right.  We can only hope (there's that elusive word) that somehow, over time, things do work out for the best.  And that is so much easier to type than it is to believe! (by the way, the homily was based on Luke 9: 7-9, the one where the last shall be first, and the man hires workers who work varying hours during the day for him, but all make the same rate, regardless if they worked 8 hrs or 1 hr).  

But in the last few weeks I have come to realize that really, the only thing constant in my life is change.  And I first heard this quote in college during an honors literature class I had to take (i love reading, but this course was a challenge!).  boy, what i wish i knew what I know now!  What i could have shared with the class!!  For those of you who don't know me very well, I am a very strong Type A personality.  I like control, I like knowing what is happening, and going to happen.  I love lists and plans.  The last year especially has been so hard for me because I can't control anything...And I wish I could!  Just control one little thing.  Since the end of summer, I went back to my former district, to teach my former courses, with all the teachers that groomed me to be the teacher I became, to advise my former club (which apparently no one else wants to run), but as a completely different person with a completely new perspective and new found respect and appreciation.  I haven't stopped smiling.  While everything has changed, it feels like home.  I feel a difference in myself, in how I am in the classroom.  Barely anyone knows about the boys...only because I am only sharing it if people ask, or if I feel it is pertinent information (its not right now).  So I also don't get pitying looks and hugs.  At my job, I am me, and I am happy and bubbly, and have a great reputation for being an understanding yet strict teacher.  Its nice.  At home, my girls take the bus to school (another change), and in the afternoon, my youngest takes the bus home.  My oldest either gets picked up by my friend, or stays at school for an extra 20 minutes until I can arrive.  Its a whole new schedule, and the girls are changing too, but still, there is a sense of their need for their parents.  No matter how big they get, they still run to me when they don't feel good, or have a bad day at school.  

So I'm getting used to this permanent state of change.  The minute things get too predictable, that's when you need to expect things to go awry.  I don't have tenure, or have a bigger home, or a problem free life, or a six month old, or expecting a baby in 1 month.  I do have a loving family that I appreciate now more than ever who keeps me on the sane path, I have a job at a school that I know I love and appreciate, with a wonderful support network in place, I have two healthy girls growing bigger and more independent every day, I have a husband who tries with all his might to give me everything that he thinks we may want to need, and, most importantly, I have hope.  

It's the Most Wonderful Time Of The Year....

Yes, my title comes from that beloved Staples commerical, of a parent dancing through the aisles as his children are somber and miserable.

As a parent, I think this commercial is great! As a teacher, I dread seeing it because I know that summer is coming to an end!  But this year, I didn't see it on tv.  One of my FB friends posted it.  And until I saw it, I began thinking about how for me, this really is the most wonderful time of the year.  Sadly, as much as I wasn't ready to go back to work, I was looking forward to it.  I've been getting the girls and myself ready for a month--with clothes and shoe shopping, talking about their teachers and planning the morning and afternoon routines of picking up, dropping off, and bus rides.  I even went to my classroom twice to "get it ready".  I felt good this weekend, relaxed, and ready to start the new year.

For me, the first day of school is my "new year's".  And I was looking forward to getting this year started...it has to be better than last year--right????  And I was hoping that once this year got rolling maybe some ideas would come to me about moving on, on trying again.  If that doesn't happen, at least I'm keeping busy!  My weekends are packed up until November--which is what I want.  I have Rango's due date coming up on October 15th, and the 1 year anniversary of Robbie's death coming up the week before Thanksgiving.  I want to stay busy so I don't have any down time to break down.  It hurts enough to think of the fact that we were so hopeful we could have a baby by the time the year anniversary came around.  It is actually emotionally debilitating to think that in this year that has flown by we have two babies in heaven, not just one.

So, as much as I thought I was ready for September to come, I really wasn't.  I spent last night stressing out, rushing around and tying up all loose ends, making sure my daughters had their lunches packed and book bags and outfits ready to go first thing, trying on different outfits on myself, making sure I had the perfect "first day" look.
And then it hit me...the last time I was in a classroom I was pregnant with Rango.  I haven't been back to work since.  And as much as I had an extended summer, I don't feel relaxed or ready to start school again.  I don't think any of us were truly ready this morning when the alarms went off at 5:20am.  But ready or not, our school year began.  We left the house at 6:30am to start the rush to our 4 different schools!  And amazingly, we all made it in one piece.
My husband went back to the same school he was at last year, and felt comfortable and ready to start the year.  My oldest went back to her old school, and found she had many friends in her class!  My youngest started kindergarten, and was also pleased as punch to find she had old friends from preschool in her class.  And I returned to my stomping grounds and while I was anxious about how I would be emotionally, I found it was so easy--it was like I had never left!  And the day flew by...the jitters went away, I joked with my colleagues and friends, and I don't think I stopped smiling once.  I was happy!  And while my body decided this morning to give me yet another reminder that I was no longer pregnant, I pushed all the sadness and despair away.  I had my fresh start and was able to return to the district I knew and belonged in.
And I did fine up until my last class...when a very pregnant student walked into the classroom.  I saw her waddling down the hallway...and I kept praying please please turn into another classroom, don't come here,  but of course, she came to my room.  And she showed me her schedule, and proceeded to tell me that she was due in October and would be leaving in a few weeks to have her baby.  Seriously!?!?!  I just nodded and don't think I said one word.  And into the classroom she went.  A friend came walking by and I grabbed her. She just learned about my boys last week, and I told her I had to say something because I didn't know how I was going to handle this student.  She completely understood and told me she would check on me throughout the class period.  I knew I would have pregnant students...but to have the one that is due when I was due is just uncanny.  I know I'm going to need more strength and courage than I ever anticipated...but maybe I'm ready, maybe I'm not.  Only time will tell...maybe I can avoid her for the rest of the year ;-)  She is in a big class!
But as I drove home to pick up my daughters and find out about their day, I reflected on the end of summer, and how this is the most wonderful time of the year.  Summer is a lazy time, of time with family and friends, lounging around or going on bike rides.  No certain schedules, sleeping late and staying up past when the fireflies come out.  The fall is a time to get moving again.  Of routine, of preparing, of anticipation of what is coming (Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, snow and cold weather).  Fall has always been my favorite season--the changes in foliage, the crisp temperatures, the way the sun hits in the golden afternoons.  It is a promise of things coming.  And while a trip to Staples might not prepare me completely for the year ahead, at least I can rejoice in the fact that summer is over and its time to move on.  And who knows what the year will bring...that is about as positive as I can be right now.  I know more change is coming.  And whether I like it or not, I am being forced into the next season of my life.  It can only get better from here!