Perspective and Expectations

These have been the themes of my week. When you are on an exercise machine for 50min almost every day, without a tv, you have a lot of time to think about stuff, and read. Normally I listen to my husband's ipod touch, but lately the songs, which are on random play, seem to relate to whatever i need to focus on, when i am trying to avoid thinking!

After Robbie died, I downloaded an album by Steven Curtis Chapman, written after his 5 year old daughter died after being hit by a car (accidentally) in her driveway. I always liked his music, and could relate to it. I listened to the songs alot after Robbie. But then, with Rango, I just couldn't listen. I didn't know that accidentally the SCC music was uploaded to my husband's ipod until the song came on while I was in the midst of minute 12 of the workout. The album, Beauty Will Rise, is full of wonderfully written lyrics, expressing both the grief and hope of losing a child. I am not at all comparing the loss of my babies to his 5 year old daughter...but there are similar emotions and thoughts.

"I don’t even want to breathe now
All I want to do is close my eyes
I don’t want to open them again
Till I’m standing on the other side

I don’t even want to be right now
I don’t want to think another thought
I don’t want to feel this pain I feel
Right now pain is all I’ve got
It feels like its all I’ve got
But I know that its not
Oh I know you’re all I’ve got"
===I Will Trust You...Beauty Will Rise, Steven Curtis Chapman

So, Monday as I'm listening and crying and exercising (b/c i am stubborn and I will sob as i push myself on the elliptical), i'm thinking, okay, okay, i'm not alone.
Then my oldest and I ride to the library, and on the new releases is a book written by SCC's wife titled "Choosing To See". And not only does it chronicle her walk of faith, but her emotions and challenging God with His plans, and her pain and sorrow. Something I can relate to all too well. So of course I take it home and have been reading it during my workouts this week.

The lessons I've learned this week didn't stop there. I was already starting to look at myself internally, and how was I going to go on. I was also being forced to reflect on my relationships with others--friends who i couldn't go on avoiding forever, occasions i had to go to or else i would regret them, and the overall notion that life has to go on. and how was i going to handle it.

I could go on, kicking and screaming, hiding and wishing for the "what ifs" and "should have beens". or i could make a new future, one where maybe i don't know what is going to happen, and i'll just have to know i'm not in control (as much as i want to be!).

So how to move on? When the path has been so dark, and hopeless? Let me first start by saying this: I truly believe after suffering such great loss, such tragedy, you must allow yourself to feel the grief, the sadness, and embrace it. The key is to not let it engulf you--and that's where your family and friends need to be patient and honest, and they can help you when you are at that lowest point. this is how i need to grieve. its not pretty. its not easy. its downright ugly, and dark, and not at all who i am. i had my family and friends pretty worried at some points--to the point where I know they wanted me on something for depression. But then, there will be a point where you have to face that darkness, and you have to make a decision. but you won't have to make the decision until you know you are strong enough. and while you are in that darkness, that grief, is when i found how strong i could be. for me it started with a song, then the book, then an acceptance of you are not the only one who has suffered loss.
An idea of perspective. And i have to give credit to a friend who helped put it "in perspective". While we have suffered a great loss, there might be someone who is pregnant that may not have a marriage they entered into willingly, or have the life they imagined. They might envy us (my synopsis, not theirs), and see how much we have to be thankful for, even with our losses. i understand, but i still want my babies. but its a start. and while your perspective is different from my perspective, it doesn't make the feelings associated with it any less valid.
then there is knowing what to expect: from yourself (me), your partner (my hubby), my family, my friends. And sometimes our expectations are so high, we don't realize it, until that person shows us how human they are. I'm not saying to not have expectations--we do need to recgonize the good in others. but to know that not everyone is going to treat us the way we would treat others (another jewel from this friend). we also need to learn what we expect from ourselves.
and there you have it--my wisdom for this week so far. it doesn't mean i don't miss my boys, or don't feel sad anymore. but it means i am moving forward--at least for now. i am going to push myself to expect more of myself and what i can do emotionally. i can look past myself and go to my girlfriend's son's first birthday. i can go see my pregnant friend, due in january, and share in her excitement. its not going to be easy, but i know it can be done with enough perspective, expectations (knowing i'll break down and cry probably at least once, and faith that i'll be supported and loved through each difficult step.
and now i'm expected to go sit with my hubby and watch a re-run of The Office!
Good night all!

The Results Are In

So I had a gut feeling to call my doctor today and see if any results happened to come in. And they did. So while waiting for the doctor to call me back, I began to talk to my husband, who had been strangely quiet all day, except to tell me that he no longer wanted to try again either. That way I don't need to stress about it anymore.
So I opened up a discussion, and very simply and plainly explained why I was so against trying again. It isn't that I don't want to be pregnant again and try for another baby. This morning, after 50 minutes on the elliptical, I figured out what my problem is with trying again. Its the uncertainty. Its knowing that he, even though he was as supportive as he could be, he couldn't do both his role and my role. Its knowing that if I need heparin shots every day, he can't help with that. I have to do that alone. I'll have to go to dr's visits alone. I'll have to take time away from work to get bloodwork done. And I don't want to be alone. I need him with me, even if its getting my arm pricked for the umpteenth time. I need him to support me at home, and make me rest, even if it means i'll get huffy with him. its knowing that he will take care of cleaning the house, and cooking, and taking care of the girls if the need be. I explained that while I understand he thinks its worth the sadness and worry if it means we get to have our baby, he needs to focus on the 9 months (or longer) it will take to get our baby. It means being ready at the 5month mark for bad news. It means living day by day, making sure our baby's heart is still beating. And making sure I do everything I'm supposed to, and not stress out.
He said nothing. And when I asked what was wrong, he told me he didn't think of any of that. He didn't know what I wanted him to say, and he just repeated that nevermind, he doesn't want to try again because it is causing me too much worry. I just don't know what else to say to him to help him understand that I do want to, just not right now, and not any time soon. And there's things we need to figure out before we try again. Its not going to be simple this time. But yes, it will be worth it if it all works.

So while we are in limbo, the doctor called us back. While the chromosomal study is normal, the autopsy revealed that the placenta was underdeveloped, and was starting to affect rango's growth. the placenta was also filled with blood clots. however, the interesting thing is that all of my bloodwork (which i have plenty results from!) shows that my levels are in the normal range for any blood clotting disorders. not even borderline--right smack in the middle! so there is a possibility that i have a clotting disorder that hasn't even been found yet--yay! i always do know how to make things more complicated!

so, now its onto a second opinion, because i just need to make sure that we definitely didn't miss anything. if someone could magically just tell me heparin and baby aspirin is the quick fix, and we'll definitely have a baby 9months from conception, great, let's go! but since my bloodwork results are a mystery, i am relying on other women to please share their stories, good and bad with me. i mean, i know we were all praying and hoping for answers. And this was the most obvious answer we could get. the dr is even contacting the pathology department to see if they have any of robbie's placenta so that we can compare it to rango's. even though he died from fetal hydrops, there is a possibility that there were complications with the placenta that we missed. that would even be better news--that the two were related.

but now that we have the results, its a few more weeks of talking, and getting double checked. and the hope is back for now. the desire to not stop, to keep trying for our take home baby is there. i am just to afraid to say it out loud. but i have met some women in the past 6 weeks who have inspired me in their courage. like i asked my husband tonight, what is the difference between someone who has had two 2nd trimester losses and someone who has had multiple miscarriages? i see it as this: physically, there is a huge different. 7-12 weeks carrying, opposed to 20w. being able to still hide it, and the belly being out there. emotionally, i don't think there is much of a difference. you still bond with your baby--no matter if you carried him/her for a few weeks or months. you are still a mom. and while i have to wait a little longer to see if my baby makes it, it doesn't minimize my desire to have another baby, or my love for that baby. and if someone can keep trying loss after loss, then trying a third time in a year just takes courage. and determination. and if anyone knows me personally, you know i don't give up that easily! i may get knocked down, and take a while to stand up, but eventually, i will bounce back. more determined that ever! so thank you to all you ladies with the courage to keep trying...you are my inspiration!

Bad Day

Yup, had a bad day. I figured it was coming after such a positive week. Doesn't mean I was happy--it just meant I wasn't sad as much. It just feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, and I can't shake it. Being happy has taken on a whole new meaning for me.
For example, if you read my posts from the spring, you know that I was non-renewed at a district that i really liked working in, due to problems between me and the supervisor there (and i think it had to do with pregnancy stuff too--pretty sure of that!). but everyone just figured it was meant to be because now i would be able to be home with Rango and not worry about going back to work. I would find a job after I had the baby. But that wasn't the plan--obviously. So the Friday after Rango died my husband and daughters drove with me to my previous district to hand deliver my resume packet. I didn't want to do anything, but knew I had to apply for something, because come October if I was still home, I'd be a blubbering mess.
So fast forward, and I interviewed and got the position. Being its only for 1 year, for a teacher taking another year of maternity leave. It is a teacher I knew well, and am happy she is able to stay home with her little one. My husband, friends and family are all so excited for me. They are happy for me. And I am "huh" about it. Yes, I am looking forward to going back to my first school I taught at, where I was understood. I can work with all my old friends again. But I can't say I'm happy. I'm grateful to have a job, and know that this is probably my last chance to show I am a good, caring teacher. But happy, no. Happy would be looking forward to staying home with Rango in the fall, and being a stay at home mom. 1 year ago, happy was being content at work, and coming home to my family, and having a network of friends surrounding us. Now, happy is just unattainable. Unless someone invents a time machine, and I can go back, and somehow change what happened.
Now, I am grateful for my daughters. I have learned to cherish every moment with them, and to play with them, read them stories, and stop being lazy around them. I seem happy around them because I have something that I have to survive for. But when they go to their father's, I dread the long days and nights that are coming. I dread my husband asking me what are we going to do today. Because this is the rest of my life. Boring nights, with a husband that is too tired to get off the couch, a bank account that doesn't have enough in it to fund an excursion every long weekend, and a dog that can't always travel with us. And this is the rest of our life. And its depressing, and while I would love to find a hobby for us, biking is it. But my husband is limited to how far this interest is. I grew up with a dad who forced us to ride bikes everywhere. It was not unheard of to ride our bikes on vacation, or go for hikes. And as a kid I hated it, every moment. But now, I would enjoy just throwing the bikes in the car, and finding a new trail. But his idea of biking as a hobby is going for a 45minute bike ride every other day around the neighborhood. I need more than just this. But he asked me tonight what would make me happy--I told him how I don't think I'll be "happy" again. Happy is gone. And his reply was that I was being difficult and I need to get over it already. his solution? Buy a Maserati...really?!?! A car that will sit in the garage (and that we don't have the funds to even buy), and he won't drive it anywhere will solve our hobby problems.
Yes, this is a vent/ rant today. I am in a sour mood, and have 4 long days ahead of me of boredom and sitting watching my husband play games on the computer or watch re-runs of it's always sunny. fun times.
But the question is, what am I going to do to help myself, since he won't do anything. Maybe tomorrow I'll get that answer.

I haven't been blogging lately, although I have had tons of "blogs" written in my mind over the past week. i've been keeping busy, and made sure i am out of the house doing something every single day. plus my hubby and i have been on the atkins diet for 1 week. His doctor put him on it, and I figured since I wasn't losing weight fast enough for my liking, I would support him, and cook nice low carb meals for both of us. unfortunately, i learned tonight, while it was working a little for me (1 lb after 2 days with 50min of exercising daily, my hubby is losing 1 lb a day, no exercise), i cannot be on it anymore. i have another condition known as interstitial cystitis, which is a bladder condition, and I learned that low carb diets, which put you in ketosis, actually can worsen the IC, and makes it very painful--like an untreated UTI. not cool, but hey, at least I figured out why i don't feel good, and I celebrated by eating a bowl of special k and a guilt free 1/2 choc. chip cookie from "Crazy Susan's Cookies".

so between not feeling great, taking day trips with my daughters and husband, and taking my husband to see Harry Potter this weekend, by the time I have been getting home I have been too tired to type, let alone think! Which I guess is good.

I am trying to let myself grieve. I started reading "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart". I know many women who did read this after their child(ren) died, but a student's mother lent it to me to read a few months after Robbie died. It has sat on the bookshelf next to Robbie. I picked it up to read late last week only because the ipod's battery was dying, and I needed something to fill in 45minutes. I read that those women that allowed themselves to grieve when the emotions came fared better than those that tried to just be strong, and put on a brave face, and would grieve later. Its quite inconvenient, i must tell you. for me, it is easier to just force myself out of bed in the morning, and resign myself to the day ahead. i like planning, and i know if i don't plan something to do (like go to the pool, go to the beach, etc) i will probably just stay in bed. but by the night before, i have a plan in place. i'll get up, and put on blinders and go throughout my day. but apparently this isn't healthy.
so at Harry Potter on Saturday, my husband chose seats behind the only pregnant woman in the theater. I felt the tears, the hotness and my throat got tight. My blinders don't work when they sit right in front of me. I went to the ladies room to gain some composure, and allowed myself to reflect as to why I was getting upset. And after acknowledging that it was just a reminder of so many things that made me sad and mad (that i should be pregnant watching this movie,, eating popcorn and feeling rango kick, on top of the only reason we watched Harry Potter to being with was because after Robbie died we were home, waiting for the d & e, and even after the surgery, and needed something to occupy our minds. so really, we should be at the movies only after asking the grandparents to babysit 4mth old Robbie), i went back into the theater. it wasn't fun, but i just tried to focus on the movie ahead, and once the lights dimmed, I focused on not thinking about the woman in front of me, rubbing her belly, and adjusting her back to get comfortable. and as the credits began to roll, i moved quickly to exit the theater first to avoid seeing her. i know i don't know everyone's story, but that was about as brave as i could have been.
Then Tuesday we took the girls to Ocean City for a surrey ride, boardwalk rides, and mini-golf. And I swear every other woman that passed was pregnant! It got to the point where it was just ridiculous, and I told my husband I was almost to my breaking point. His suggestion? Just go over and start yelling at them. They'll be confused, but I'll probably feel better. I understand his frustration with not being able to help, and as much as I would LOVE to stand and just yell and cry at the pregnant women about how I was them, blissfully unaware of the potential dangers to the baby's we are growing, and to cherish each moment, yelling at someone wouldn't be productive. Plus, I really don't know their history. With my luck I would get someone who has had previous losses, and knows my pain all too well, and then I would feel crappy.
I know I can't avoid pregnant people. As I start a new position in the fall (even if its only temporary as a year long replacement for a teacher I was friends who had their first baby, and it taking another year on maternity leave), I realize I will come in contact with not just students that are pregnant, but also staff members, that are friends and have been so supportive for us this year! And I had better start figuring out this grieving process quickly, because I am not planning on being pregnant again, and I can't hold this grudge against pregnant people forever. Life didn't give me the path I wanted. So I wanted a third baby. I wanted to hold a newborn one more time, get up at night and change diapers, go through the firsts again. Instead, I have to cherish the two I do have, and know that I have two angels instead of infants. I was fortunate to be pregnant 4 times. To hear the heartbeat, see the baby moving on ultrasound, and feel the kicks and punches.
I know it'll hurt, and sting, when friends tell me they are pregnant. But I have to find a way to manage to be happy for them. I know with my husband's family, with the three pregnancies that were so close to my own, and two former co-workers, I don't know if I can accept and be happy for them. I hope they have successful, healthy pregnancies. I hope they get to all hold their newborns and cherish them. But to think on what I am missing just sets me back too far emotionally. I have to move on, and if that means for the present time (between now and Rango's due date) I do have to have blinders on for pregnant women, then I will. I just want to find some normalcy, some balance where I don't have to be on guard all the time. I want to be able to go out in public without worry of breaking down. And I known in time, I will be able to. Its just the part of allowing myself to grieve when I feel the need, instead of putting up a front. It will be healthier for all in the end.
so, this week has been very reflective for me, as in how am I going to survive and go on. I think having the mindset that I am not going to try again helps with the realization that I have to move on and make plans and attitudes that will help me. it helps me to focus on what the future holds (well, as much as I can plan the future, which we all know never works!), and to focus on the right now, and making today count. I can't think about October. I can't think about August. But I can manage thinking about today and tomorrow. Yesterday is gone. And this is the reality I am living in. Learning to live and love and trust in better things to come one day at a time.

My hubby and I went out last year and bought ourselves bikes, in an effort to better ourselves, and find a way to bond without being in front of the tv. And it was working, until I found myself in the midst of morning sickness with Robbie and unable to focus on pedaling the bike, or dry-heaving after a mild bike ride.
So the Sunday before the d & e we pulled out the bikes and went for a nice long ride. And it was peaceful. We can only go on long rides when the girls are with their dad. But a few weeks ago we started riding as a family...not relaxing, but maybe we'll get there!
So last night my hubby suggested we go for a bike ride. I think it was in response to my bad anxiety that had been hitting hard around 8-9 at night, trying to get me tuckered out. I am already exercising 50-60min a day, so its not like i needed more exercise. but i agreed, and off we went. I suggested riding to a definite location, in hopes of making the ride last more than 30 minutes, and off to pittsgrove we went. we rode 7 miles in 40 minutes--not bad, I think. I didn't even break a sweat! I was ready to ride back, but he wasn't, so we parked at his parents house and hitched a ride home.
This morning, after exercising I realized I had to go to the post office. It's a 2 minute drive. But we had to cancel our plans to go to the beach due to other pain in the butt stuff to do on the phone, so he suggested a bike ride.
And off we went. We went to the post office, and then decided since the cemetery where Robbie is was within a decent distance, we would go visit. The tree is flourishing. But it turned out to be much more insightful.
We never noticed the other grave markers. And we rode around just looking and reading. And I was amazed at the number of tombstone markers (the family plot ones with all the names on it, and individual markers on the ground) that stated a name, and just one year (like 1867-1867). And one family we saw had 5 children--3 died in the same year. 1 a few years after, and then, as far as we can tell, a baby was born after all of that, but died in the same year. But maybe it was a stillbirth. We pondered this for a while...that residents over 100 years ago suffered the same way we are right now. And their little babies were buried and remembered with them, no matter the age. And it made me a little happier knowing that Robbie and Rango won't be forgotten either.
But I couldn't help on the ride home to talk to Robbie and Rango, and see if they could meet these children. And I couldn't help but imagine what it was like 100 years ago if you had a stillbirth, let alone two. Sadly, I don't think society has changed much on how to react if your baby dies. Either people embrace you and allow you to take the time to grieve, or they wonder why after a certain time you aren't back to normal. But instead of "work", these families are farmers. They still had to get up, milk the cows, make meals from scratch, handwash the laundry. And I find it hard to just get up and get on the elliptical and figure out a shopping list for the week! To imagine how these women survived, how the families survived. I felt humble just thinking about it. Okay, so maybe God isn't mad at me. Maybe this isn't my fault. If it happened to these women (and so many in the one cemetery!!), and I have met so many women who struggle with bringing home their take home baby, then maybe its not personal. No one back then could tell these women why their babies died with certainty. At least we have that hope and technology to try our best to take home our babies. Maybe our losses are to help someone years down the road so they don't have to share in this pain and hurt. But I am fortunate enough to know that without my boys, and losing them, I wouldn't have met some amazing people along the way.
So today, maybe I can just practice being in the moment and enjoying what I have because life is so uncertain. Easier said than done! But it beats crying and having an anxiety attack because life didn't turn out the way I wanted. Just like the bike ride...I just wanted to go out for a little, but instead I had a lot to mull over!

Things are looking up...

While we were out today, the fertility doctor we saw yesterday called us on my cell phone. He said that he called to talk to Dr. Davis, and brought up what we talked about yesterday with the mutated x chromosome. Dr. Davis said it was possible and we can check it out, but he had just gotten a call from the doctor performing the pathology report, and he wanted to speak with us about those results first. So we were asked to call, and after waiting the longest 30 minutes of my life, the doctor called us back.
While the written report isn't signed off on yet, she is confident that there was a major problem with the placenta, and it was, as my doctor explained "like the placenta had a heart attack".
He still wants to wait on the chromosome results and the final report, but at least its something. And it can be treated aggressively with baby aspirin and heparin. Oddly enough, just as our doctor thought, the two losses were not related. At this point of the information at least.
Okay, i like information. Thank you Lord for an answer--finally!!!

Just missing my boys

I know I want to try to be more positive, but at this stage I am just not there yet. After a fertility specialist appointment (also reproductive endocrinologist), where that doctor is just a perplexed as all the doctors that we are seeing to figure out what happened, I am just resigned to say I am done. While I am trying not to lose all hope until we get the test results/ autopsy results next week, it is very difficult.
There are two leads of thought on what could be happening. But, all the doctors have said while this is highly unlikely, and it is unlikely either of these could be the reason why our sons died at 21w, one is more likely than the other, but they are both unlikely (did you follow the paradox? my mind is twisting from it too!).
the first is still being investigated, and that is blood clots. The second is that there could be a mutated x-chromosome that is inherited in my family, hence why there haven't been any boys (save 1) on my grandmother's side in 4 generations. There is a 50/50 chance that a baby could get the mutated x-chromosome. So apparently for both Robbie and Rango, they could have each gotten the mutated one, not the normal one. But if the baby is a girl, there is another x chromosome to make up for the mutated one. Hence why I have two daughters. The prognosis for this, so far, is a bit more drastic than we had anticipated.
But, there is still scenario 3: worse case scenario: i go on baby aspirin and /or heparin and try again. and hope it works. yeah, unfortunately, i'm not ready just to try again on the "let's see what happens". I'm a scientist, and I understand their mindset. but emotionally i just can't throw caution to the wind. or can i? we all exercise self-preservation...and that's all this is. I'm just glad that I don't need to make a definite decision for a while.
But, in the end, it all boils down to simply I miss my boys. I am grateful for my daughters, and that opportunity to raise them. I am grateful for my husband. And I am grateful that I could spend time with my sons no matter how short and limited the time was.
I just miss Robbie and Rango. That's it.

Names in the Sand

Thanks to a friend who I met through the miscarriage and pregnancy loss board, who stalked the website for me, I was able to get Robbie and Rango's names in the sand. It is just so beautiful!

http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/2011/07/robbie-and-rango.html

Looking from the outside in...

Before I start writing, I just need to clarify--this is about my husband's family, not mine. My family (I guess because we are so small, even though we do live distances away) has been so supportive and open to talking about Robbie and Rango. They don't pretend it didn't happen, and I know that when I have a bad day, I can contact anyone in my family and have the support I need. {EDIT: To avoid any hurt feelings, this is not intended to slam or insult my extended in law family. This is again, a journal of my raw emotions, intended to let other women who are experiencing the same grief that if they have the same thoughts or hurt feelings, they are not alone. My point in this post, after re-reading it several times, is that 1) all families handle grief differently. I am just struggling to understand being a part of a family that expects us to be happy for births when the deaths of our sons are not acknowledged and 2) denial of bad things happening in a family can lead to some very hurt feelings. like my husband said, after i wrote this post, my expectations were just too high from family, in general. i think i just want his family, who does see our posts on fb, to acknowledge that our sons existed and are a part of our family. but that may never happen, and i do have to accept that, without bitterness or anger. and i do, but just friday was a rough day and like i said, this is raw emotion. i do know that everyone handles grief and loss differently. it's why some people embrace us when they see us, and other people duck into an aisle in iga to avoid coming in contact with us. it's okay. we have a community around us that supports us...a church that is praying for us and is waiting to see us again, friends and neighbors who do listen and give advice, and are willing to sit with us and just talk, or take us out, but don't push us either if we aren't ready, and family who is concerned for us. And step by step we are walking this path of healing and acceptance.}
My husband's family is very large. In fact, there were a total of 4 of us due within a couple of months of each other--2 in august, 2 in october. One is the nasty cousin who was so rude and disrespectful after Robbie and wanted her stroller back right away. Yup--she is delivering in the next few weeks, and no, its not fair.
But I feel like I am on the outside looking in at a family that only a year ago my husband and I were so involved in. No one except his parents have even acknowledged our losses (well, b/c they were the grandparents), and one cousin. None of them (and they are all facebook friends) have looked at the pictures or said to us how sorry they are. Instead, they are posting about weddings and making plans. It is like we are invisible, or our luck is so bad they are purposely avoiding us (including my sister in law). My in laws don't talk to us about any of the cousins...I know its so I don't get upset. But if they would only realize if they recognized our loss, and spoke to us about Robbie and Rango, perhaps there wouldn't be a gap. We aren't going to reach out to them for anything...not when they didn't acknowledge what happened in the first place. They were all there when we got married, and when we were talking about trying to have a baby. But now, they are all gone. You wouldn't know that we are part of a young family. And I am really hurt. I'm supposed to be happy for their pregnancies (sorry, i'm not there yet, its not fair..especially for that cousin that is on her fourth baby and didn't want it, and we so desperately want our babies!), or the barefoot and pregnant wedding that happened while we were away.
I can't say any of this to my husband-it's not his fault, and i feel so bad b/c at least I have my family. He doesn't have anyone checking on him. I have my cousins, my parents, my aunt and uncle, my sister, my grandmother. His family is just avoiding us. For example, they are all going to the beach tomorrow for a week. And making plans. And where are we? Home, alone, with no family. I get that the rest of the family has so much to look forward too--they have babies and weddings. And what do we have? We are the black cloud on the family. They only want to hang around with other members that are happy and have a good life. I guess screw us.
I married into this family thinking how great it would be. They were close not just in age and in relationships, but also in proximity. Instead, our neighbors and friends know more and offer more support than his family. What a shame. And it just pains me even more.

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

It will be held on October 15th around our nation. However, there is nothing planned for NJ on that day (North, South or Central).
If you are near the area I would like to invite you to Elmer, NJ on that day to release a balloon in memory of any angels you know, or that you have looking over you.
Originally it was my husband's birthday, so I was going to do something privately. But in recent days I have had the desire to do something more, to bring more awareness to this, and allow all of us to grieve and come together. Too often we think, after a pregnancy loss that we are alone. But there are so many people who know this pain.
I will follow with more details as we finalize plans!
Message me or comment if you are interested!!

Pictures of Rango

I wanted to share some pictures that we have of Rango. If you look closely you will see his daddy (those of you that know him).
These were taken by Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. They were at the hospital within 15minutes of waking up from the surgery.

Sometimes I wonder...what does Robbie look like? Does he look like Rango? Or does he look the opposite and is dark haired and olive skinned (like the difference between our daughters?)...I'll know someday.

I'm back....

I was away in St. Pete's Beach, Fl for the last week. I thought I would be able to blog from there, but after my husband and I would finish training, I was exhausted! It was a business trip, combined with what was supposed to be a baby-moon. We had scheduled to go down a day early, and stay a day after. Instead of a babymoon, it turned out to be quite a reflective trip for both of us.
I learned that the reason I don't like pregnant women (or women with approximately 3 month old babies) is because they serve as a reminder of everything I have lost this year. As long as I had somewhere I had to be (the training), or dinner dates, I was fine mentally. I was also okay because NO ONE KNEW anything about what I had gone through. Or what Mario and I had gone through. We were just a couple of science teachers that happened to be married to each other. And it was nice to be just that, until questions of if we had any children came up. But instead of the reactions we expected, we instead found ourselves with other people (men and women) who shared their stories of loss with us. One man, who befriended us, told us on the last day of training that he and his wife had lost 13 babies, all at 14w. I was stunned. Here I am, not even ready to think about trying again (my reaction so far is Hell No!). And his wife went through it 13 times!!! And they never found an answer.
I dreaded coming home. It wasn't a great mini-vacation. In fact, when we weren't busy training, or socializing, it was downright mentally and emotionally exhausting! I guess it was good that we used our time alone to talk openly, and reflect on the past year.
See, tomorrow will mark the day that Robbie was conceived. Yes, I am sure that is too much information for most of my readers. But in hindsight, July 4 is the day that forever changed our lives, our marriage, our family, and our perspective. On one hand I would love to wake up tomorrow and have it be like the movie "Groundhog Day", and we wake up, and its last July 4th all over again. But on the other hand, am I really willing to give up a year that has so drastically changed everything about my life? I have to believe, for my own sanity, that there is some greater purpose, some reason, that we are suffering so much. I have to believe that there is a reason I was able to get pregnant so easily with both of my boys. And I don't think I would give up the year that gave me my boys, even though they aren't with us physically.
A month ago, I was entering into the 21w of my pregnancy with Rango, and was scared. But I tried to talk myself out of it, and even tried to show my family and friends I was more confident by buying baby clothes. A month ago I was excited at the fact that while I would be unemployed, I would be able to stay home with my baby boy, and be a stay at home mom, at least for a little bit.
Now, those baby clothes sit in a drawer--the only baby items I kept in the house. Now, I have a job interview next Tuesday, am applying for another job this week, and am wondering if this part time job might be a possible new career path, even if it does involve traveling frequently. I have stopped trying to plan the next month, because I have remembered and learned "The best made plans of mice and men often go astray".
For tonight at least, I am unsure of where I am headed. But I know I am open to change. I would welcome it. I dreaded coming home, and as I shared this with my neighbor friend, she completely understood the desire to just start over and start fresh. I am willing to go anywhere, with my girls, and just be me. Whether this is the best plan, I don't know.
My husband told me while we were in Florida that he is ready to try again. We haven't even had our post-op visit yet (that's Wednesday), and no results have even come in. I told him I am not ready, and I don't know if I will ever be ready again. I am ready to get my tubes tied. I just can't handle the uncertainty and waiting to see if this baby will be our take home baby. I mean, if the doctors come back and tell us exactly what happened, and how to fix it, I might feel a little better, but still...there's no 100% guarantee. And I know one more loss will put me over the edge, and I might not come back. I am barely here as it is. I know everything thinks I am doing well. They see me get up in the morning, exercise and diet, take care of the house, my girls, my family. But no one sees the despair, the fight inside to keep going, and not give up. How almost minute by minute I have to remind myself to keep going.
For the first time in my life I am ready to give up. The only thing keeping me going is the fact that my two little girls need me. And that is the only reason I appear to do well.
Well, to anyone who is still reading my long ramble (trying to fit in a week's worth of thoughts into one blog), thank you! Now it is time to go and get ready for bed, and the new episode of True Blood at 11. My husband has his routine, and in a way it is reassuring. Good night!