Today in the mail I received a lovely necklace, containing three pieces, 2 of which had footprints and Robbie and Rango's name on it with little blue pieces that lay on top, the 3 was larger and says "Always in my heart". I don't know where it came from (it had a return address of Mn on it, but postmarked from Fl!)... but I would like whoever sent it to know, from the bottom of my heart, how thoughtful and wonderful of a gift it is. I put it on right away, and I am so touched someone thought of my boys enough to give me such a wonderful way to remember them. Our batteries are dead in the camera, or I would post it. Words cannot express how much this little token means so much! So thank you so much kind person...and may God bless you for thinking of us in such a sad time. I will cherish it always! I hope someday I can repay your kindness.
Thank you!!
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Monday, June 20, 2011
No Tears--Just Anger
I am pissed off at the world today. I haven't cried at all so far today. But the anger is right there--at everyone who says have a great day, or asks "how are you doing today". it's not fair, and i know deep inside no matter how much i fight or throw a tantrum, my babies are not coming back. my bump will not "magically" appear tomorrow morning, like God saying, ok, you've had enough, here's Rango back. the results of what happened to Rango will not be rushed, and we won't know what happened for a few more weeks. and that's if we even get answers.
we leave on saturday for a business training trip to florida. it was supposed to be our babymoon-we were going down the day before, and leaving two days after. i had motherhood coupons that i was going to use to get a few bathing suits and sundresses, to show off my cute little baby bump. but instead i gave the coupons to another pregnant woman i worked with who was due 5 days after Rango. and i'm in walmart, buying shorts that fit in case my crash diet and exercising doesn't work by saturday and i can fit into my summer stuff from last year. its not fair, and i am so pissed off. i should be enjoying my first day of summer break. instead i am finding ways to deny what is really happening.
i went downstairs to organize all of my teaching files (i was non-renewed about a month ago, and fortunately i was packed up before we learned about rango, so everything was home), and worked hard for an hour at going through files, sorting and organizing. my husband came downstairs to help with what we call our "homemade chemistry kits"--our own activities that he and i have put together. then he asked me if we could stop, because i'll have all next year to organize. i stopped and immediately teared up. i was thinking (and i don't know why) that i wanted to get it done now, because i wouldn't have time in the fall, with Rango. and in that one comment reality came crashing in. and now i'm on here.
i am not accepting what happened--i know Rango isn't here. i know robbie isn't here. for the first time in my life i can tell i am headed toward this slippery slope of depression, and i can't shake it. even my daughters coming back tomorrow isn't helping.
yesterday i made my husband pack up all of the baby stuff we had purchased when we had hope of bringing home a live baby, and brought it to my aunt's house. i couldn't stand having a room be in transition for a nursery that may never happen. i'm not sure what i'm going to do with it, but i need to make it useful. i can't handle this--i can't get through this. this is just too hard. my heart and faith are completely shattered, and honestly i have nothing to look forward too. i have no job, my daughters go to school in the fall, and i will be left alone with nothing but my empty house and my empty womb. and no hope, no faith. everyone keeps telling me things are going to get better--i just see things getting worse and worse. i can't see how i will survive this. i can't do anything and i'm a failure.
i miss my boys...i miss being pregnant...i miss having hope and being happy.
we leave on saturday for a business training trip to florida. it was supposed to be our babymoon-we were going down the day before, and leaving two days after. i had motherhood coupons that i was going to use to get a few bathing suits and sundresses, to show off my cute little baby bump. but instead i gave the coupons to another pregnant woman i worked with who was due 5 days after Rango. and i'm in walmart, buying shorts that fit in case my crash diet and exercising doesn't work by saturday and i can fit into my summer stuff from last year. its not fair, and i am so pissed off. i should be enjoying my first day of summer break. instead i am finding ways to deny what is really happening.
i went downstairs to organize all of my teaching files (i was non-renewed about a month ago, and fortunately i was packed up before we learned about rango, so everything was home), and worked hard for an hour at going through files, sorting and organizing. my husband came downstairs to help with what we call our "homemade chemistry kits"--our own activities that he and i have put together. then he asked me if we could stop, because i'll have all next year to organize. i stopped and immediately teared up. i was thinking (and i don't know why) that i wanted to get it done now, because i wouldn't have time in the fall, with Rango. and in that one comment reality came crashing in. and now i'm on here.
i am not accepting what happened--i know Rango isn't here. i know robbie isn't here. for the first time in my life i can tell i am headed toward this slippery slope of depression, and i can't shake it. even my daughters coming back tomorrow isn't helping.
yesterday i made my husband pack up all of the baby stuff we had purchased when we had hope of bringing home a live baby, and brought it to my aunt's house. i couldn't stand having a room be in transition for a nursery that may never happen. i'm not sure what i'm going to do with it, but i need to make it useful. i can't handle this--i can't get through this. this is just too hard. my heart and faith are completely shattered, and honestly i have nothing to look forward too. i have no job, my daughters go to school in the fall, and i will be left alone with nothing but my empty house and my empty womb. and no hope, no faith. everyone keeps telling me things are going to get better--i just see things getting worse and worse. i can't see how i will survive this. i can't do anything and i'm a failure.
i miss my boys...i miss being pregnant...i miss having hope and being happy.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Father's Day
Dear Robbie and Rango,
I need to tell you how much your father misses you. We both think Father's day and Mother's day are silly holidays, but it doesn't take the sting away that your dad should be holding one of you, or expecting to hold the Rango in a few months. But yesterday he told me that he found 2 pennies lying on the ground next to each other. After you died Robbie, your dad told me how he remembers someone telling him that sometimes our angels send pennies from heaven, as a sign. The fact that he found 2 pennies together means so much to him--that his boys are looking out for him.
He and I miss you both so much, and wish you were with us still. Your sisters talk about both of you constantly, and tell us what they think you are doing. I asked them tonight to tell me if they ever get to meet you in one of their dreams. You both know how much you were loved and wanted, and how we were so ready to bring you home to us!
But thank you for remembering your dad--i know he hurting so much.
I love you both,
Mommy
I need to tell you how much your father misses you. We both think Father's day and Mother's day are silly holidays, but it doesn't take the sting away that your dad should be holding one of you, or expecting to hold the Rango in a few months. But yesterday he told me that he found 2 pennies lying on the ground next to each other. After you died Robbie, your dad told me how he remembers someone telling him that sometimes our angels send pennies from heaven, as a sign. The fact that he found 2 pennies together means so much to him--that his boys are looking out for him.
He and I miss you both so much, and wish you were with us still. Your sisters talk about both of you constantly, and tell us what they think you are doing. I asked them tonight to tell me if they ever get to meet you in one of their dreams. You both know how much you were loved and wanted, and how we were so ready to bring you home to us!
But thank you for remembering your dad--i know he hurting so much.
I love you both,
Mommy
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Physically it's over, emotionally it continues
I am exhausted, both physically and mentally, but wanted to let everyone know that today went much smoother than last time.
Yesterday the doctor put in 17 luminaria, and i was contracting on and off all day, with back labor. my aunt was sure my membranes would rupture. but they didn't, and we made it to the hospital at our scheduled time at 10am. i was wheeled in around 11:45, and spent some time awake in the OR--what a chaotic messy place lol!
But I was woken up by my doctor shaking me, telling me they were able to get the baby out completely intact. My eyes shot wide open (quickest time for me ever waking up out of surgery), and i started asking if the placenta had blood clots or if the cord had problems--the answers were no, everything was perfect and healthy. so the questions remain, and the probing begins to find what happened. Even the baby was completely formed and healthy looking. he just looked like a 21w old (well, almost 22w old) baby asleep. they asked me if i still wanted to see him.
and after a nurse (who has helped me in the doctor's office since i was 7 weeks pregnant) checked to see, i was assured i needed to see him.
and we did--i got to hold him, wrapped up in his blanket, and look at his little face. such tiny little features. this same nurse, Susan, called Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, and they were there in 15minutes to take portraits, which I will post when we receive them.
My husband was able to hold his little foot, my mom helped with posing and therefore got to see more of the baby than the rest of us. Even my mother in law, who didn't think she would emotionally be able to handle it, was able to see her grandson.
And what I can say is this: Rango was meant to be a Rango--he had a Rango face--the name suited him. He looked identical to his father and shared many features--his nose, cheeks, chin, eyes and ear, and even his long feet. My mom said he had my fingers--figures, my kids at least always get my fingers! He also had very light blonde hair. you could just see it coming in. And he was pink--i wasn't expecting to see such a healthy baby to be honest. but there he was. my mom also said he was very long--which explains how i would feel punches and kicks from both sides of my abdomen.
After 2 hours, I knew I needed to get checked out physically to make sure the bleeding was under control, and as much as i hated to let him go, I felt so fortunate that I was able to see him and hold my little boy. i will never forget being able to meet him and kiss him. and i whispered to him "if love could have saved you, we would have". i've heard this phrase on the message boards so much, but today it made complete sense to me. 7 days ago, rango was causing havoc in my uterus--today i saw the little boy who had such a personality for 21w and 5 days.
i am looking forward to seeing the pictures and sharing our sweet boy with everyone. it is a privilege to know that God let me be his mother. hopefully he and his brother aren't destroying our heavenly mansions while we are here. his great grandparents better be keeping an eye on them! (side note: we saw invention of lying this week, so the idea of Robbie and Rango in a mansion without us is bittersweet, but i can live with that image).
Yesterday the doctor put in 17 luminaria, and i was contracting on and off all day, with back labor. my aunt was sure my membranes would rupture. but they didn't, and we made it to the hospital at our scheduled time at 10am. i was wheeled in around 11:45, and spent some time awake in the OR--what a chaotic messy place lol!
But I was woken up by my doctor shaking me, telling me they were able to get the baby out completely intact. My eyes shot wide open (quickest time for me ever waking up out of surgery), and i started asking if the placenta had blood clots or if the cord had problems--the answers were no, everything was perfect and healthy. so the questions remain, and the probing begins to find what happened. Even the baby was completely formed and healthy looking. he just looked like a 21w old (well, almost 22w old) baby asleep. they asked me if i still wanted to see him.
and after a nurse (who has helped me in the doctor's office since i was 7 weeks pregnant) checked to see, i was assured i needed to see him.
and we did--i got to hold him, wrapped up in his blanket, and look at his little face. such tiny little features. this same nurse, Susan, called Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, and they were there in 15minutes to take portraits, which I will post when we receive them.
My husband was able to hold his little foot, my mom helped with posing and therefore got to see more of the baby than the rest of us. Even my mother in law, who didn't think she would emotionally be able to handle it, was able to see her grandson.
And what I can say is this: Rango was meant to be a Rango--he had a Rango face--the name suited him. He looked identical to his father and shared many features--his nose, cheeks, chin, eyes and ear, and even his long feet. My mom said he had my fingers--figures, my kids at least always get my fingers! He also had very light blonde hair. you could just see it coming in. And he was pink--i wasn't expecting to see such a healthy baby to be honest. but there he was. my mom also said he was very long--which explains how i would feel punches and kicks from both sides of my abdomen.
After 2 hours, I knew I needed to get checked out physically to make sure the bleeding was under control, and as much as i hated to let him go, I felt so fortunate that I was able to see him and hold my little boy. i will never forget being able to meet him and kiss him. and i whispered to him "if love could have saved you, we would have". i've heard this phrase on the message boards so much, but today it made complete sense to me. 7 days ago, rango was causing havoc in my uterus--today i saw the little boy who had such a personality for 21w and 5 days.
i am looking forward to seeing the pictures and sharing our sweet boy with everyone. it is a privilege to know that God let me be his mother. hopefully he and his brother aren't destroying our heavenly mansions while we are here. his great grandparents better be keeping an eye on them! (side note: we saw invention of lying this week, so the idea of Robbie and Rango in a mansion without us is bittersweet, but i can live with that image).
Monday, June 13, 2011
2 down, 1 to go
I apologize in advance if the blog entry today seems disjointed--i am on percocet and just a little bit loopy. but at least i am awake right now, and the pain isn't that bad as long as i'm sitting and have a heating pad on. And i want to make sure i document everything this time.
I would have blogged yesterday, but our internet was down, and then we lost power until 10pm,so i guess i was forced to just sit and be.
But yesterday we met with the doctor at 1pm, and i got to ask all my questions--genetic testing, chromosomal testing, fetal autopsy, pain medication questions, and anything else you can imagine. Instead of vicodin, he prescribed percocet. And apparently he was able to get more luminaria in this time than the first day last time. Mario was able to get answers as far as his concerns about my surgery and bleeding.
Wednesday night I cried for two hours because I had I guess what you would call was a premonition. It wasn't a dream, but I wasn't really awake either. I was delivering Rango, and they were trying to get him out and save me because I was bleeding uncontrollably. I was so scared and cried and cried Wednesday night. Thursday morning Rango was alive. So now Mario is scared that he'll lose me Wednesday during the d & e. But the doctor assured him we are going to do certain things differently this time to ensure the bleeding doesn't get bad.
So this morning we were back at the doctor's office--i had taken 1 percocet, and mario had one to give me after the procedure. unfortunately, the doctor was running late, and we sat in the waiting room with several happy pregnant women. the good news is that percocet makes me feel so numb that i don't feel anything--including the emotions of losing another son. and seeing them didn't make me upset. but we had the procedure done, and the doctor says we are doing very well this time. we have one more procedure, and hopefully i'll be dialated enough by wednesday to deliver Rango so we can hold him. I need to hold him, to see him. so i am trying to be brave and relax during the procedures so i have that option.
before i sign off because of the extreme nausea, i have to add one thing. i do appreciate everyone's support, and at some point maybe i will believe what you are all telling me. but i am not at that stage yet. i am angry, sad, in despair and disbelief. i am confused, and questioning everything. and i am writing this blog not just for my own needs, but to help those women that are suffering from any type of pregnancy loss. eventually what you are all trying to tell me (and i know everyone is trying to help, i really do!) will sink in. just not right now. i am sorry if it upsets anyone with how honest i am being right now, but denying my own emotions is not going to help me heal. it doesn't mean stop, it just means not to expect much right now.
I would have blogged yesterday, but our internet was down, and then we lost power until 10pm,so i guess i was forced to just sit and be.
But yesterday we met with the doctor at 1pm, and i got to ask all my questions--genetic testing, chromosomal testing, fetal autopsy, pain medication questions, and anything else you can imagine. Instead of vicodin, he prescribed percocet. And apparently he was able to get more luminaria in this time than the first day last time. Mario was able to get answers as far as his concerns about my surgery and bleeding.
Wednesday night I cried for two hours because I had I guess what you would call was a premonition. It wasn't a dream, but I wasn't really awake either. I was delivering Rango, and they were trying to get him out and save me because I was bleeding uncontrollably. I was so scared and cried and cried Wednesday night. Thursday morning Rango was alive. So now Mario is scared that he'll lose me Wednesday during the d & e. But the doctor assured him we are going to do certain things differently this time to ensure the bleeding doesn't get bad.
So this morning we were back at the doctor's office--i had taken 1 percocet, and mario had one to give me after the procedure. unfortunately, the doctor was running late, and we sat in the waiting room with several happy pregnant women. the good news is that percocet makes me feel so numb that i don't feel anything--including the emotions of losing another son. and seeing them didn't make me upset. but we had the procedure done, and the doctor says we are doing very well this time. we have one more procedure, and hopefully i'll be dialated enough by wednesday to deliver Rango so we can hold him. I need to hold him, to see him. so i am trying to be brave and relax during the procedures so i have that option.
before i sign off because of the extreme nausea, i have to add one thing. i do appreciate everyone's support, and at some point maybe i will believe what you are all telling me. but i am not at that stage yet. i am angry, sad, in despair and disbelief. i am confused, and questioning everything. and i am writing this blog not just for my own needs, but to help those women that are suffering from any type of pregnancy loss. eventually what you are all trying to tell me (and i know everyone is trying to help, i really do!) will sink in. just not right now. i am sorry if it upsets anyone with how honest i am being right now, but denying my own emotions is not going to help me heal. it doesn't mean stop, it just means not to expect much right now.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
And the process begins
My husband and I don't know what is worse--this time or last. They are are different. We know what to do this time. We have to call the doctor at 10 to schedule the time to come into to place the luminaria in for day one. Then tomorrow and Tuesday are days two and three. Wednesday will be the d&e. Thursday and Friday recovery. We are trying to find a movie series to watch Monday and Tuesday when I will be cramping so badly the vicodin won't even help with the pain. I have contacted Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep to be available to take pictures in the slim chance the doctor can delivery the baby completely. They are calling today to discuss the details, but they are available for Wednesday. I am calling funeral homes to see about the cremation services. At least the routine of knowing what is expected is somewhat familiar and soothing.
Even our grieving has a pattern. I break down first, then my husband stays strong and silent. Then I become angry and withdraw completely. I am in that phase now. I am trying to numb myself so that maybe I won't feel the pain and hurt as intensely as last time. I am shutting myself down, and pushing everyone away because I just can't deal with this anymore. I know everyone is so hurt for us, and shocked, and wants to help but doesn't know how. But I don't need this. I know this is my fault, and if it wasn't for me no one would be hurting for us. Our families wouldn't be in such pain. I do think my families are better off without me. And if I pack up and start over, I can forget everything and have a new life. And everyone else will forget me in time, and move on.
But my husband doesn't respond well to me shutting down and shutting everyone out. So then when I become a fortress, he breaks down. And that was our last 24 hrs. Ending is us finally going to be at 11 in the morning and waking up around 3 in the afternoon. We watched a movie, and cleaned the house. He ordered dinner, and we went out to get my sleeping pills (which i know i'll need for the next several days), and the food he ordered. After dinner I decided it was time to pack up the maternity clothes and find all of my summer stuff from last year, and see what might fit next week. My neighbor had lent me a bunch of clothes, that I had finally put away last Friday. In 7 days they were all packed up. But, my closet couldn't be more organized. I purposely waited to put my regular clothes away because I didn't want to do this. But, we got too comfortable with the pregnancy. We felt safe. And we couldn't have been more wrong. I even bought 3 custom science/chemistry onesies (one with Rango's name with a molecular structure) for Mario for father's day. They arrived yesterday morning. I emailed cafepress to get the form to return them. They emailed us back right away, telling us they refunded us the fees, and please not to worry about returning the items, and they were so sorry for our loss.
So now, not only do we have a stroller system, a high chair, a pack and play, a changing table, a dresser, and 5 outfits and 2 packs of onesies and a pack of infant diapers, and a breast pump kit, we don't have a baby to use it in October. Plus 4 complete seasons of maternity clothes.
Plus, let's not forget my biggest guilt of all--Rango was due on my husband's birthday-10/15. And it is his 30th birthday. For his birthday I was going to give him a son. Now I have to worry if he begins to resent me. It's too much to hope that we will be given a clean bill of health to try again, and that's even if we wanted too. So there's no hope left. So thinking maybe we can try again. Maybe we'll be pregnant again by his birthday. But any chance of hope. of thinking its going to be that easy is out the window. We are left with two 21w babies who died. Robbie from a heart or kidney malformation. Rango, we still don't know. But we know they were both boys. That died at the same point in the pregnancy.
I don't understand how God would let me get pregnant again, only to carry the baby for 5 months, feel him kick and move. I just don't understand. If we weren't meant to have a baby, why let me get pregnant at all? I think it would be a bigger sign if I just couldn't get pregnant. We wouldn't question it then. But to let me get pregnant so easily, and quickly, and then lose my sons at 5 months--i don't understand. why do i have to suffer like this? why put my family through this? and why did my daughters have to be there again on Thursday when Rango was "sleeping" and so still? Surely they could have been spared that. I do think my family would be better off with out me. But right now I have to focus on the week ahead. I need to make it through Wednesday--for the sake of my family. To be fair, I just don't care anymore. Hurt me, cause me pain, make me uncomfortable. But spare my family this pain. This is all my fault, I must have done something. Why else does everyone around me get to have babies (there are 4 alone in our family), and I am the one who loses them again? It must be me.
Even our grieving has a pattern. I break down first, then my husband stays strong and silent. Then I become angry and withdraw completely. I am in that phase now. I am trying to numb myself so that maybe I won't feel the pain and hurt as intensely as last time. I am shutting myself down, and pushing everyone away because I just can't deal with this anymore. I know everyone is so hurt for us, and shocked, and wants to help but doesn't know how. But I don't need this. I know this is my fault, and if it wasn't for me no one would be hurting for us. Our families wouldn't be in such pain. I do think my families are better off without me. And if I pack up and start over, I can forget everything and have a new life. And everyone else will forget me in time, and move on.
But my husband doesn't respond well to me shutting down and shutting everyone out. So then when I become a fortress, he breaks down. And that was our last 24 hrs. Ending is us finally going to be at 11 in the morning and waking up around 3 in the afternoon. We watched a movie, and cleaned the house. He ordered dinner, and we went out to get my sleeping pills (which i know i'll need for the next several days), and the food he ordered. After dinner I decided it was time to pack up the maternity clothes and find all of my summer stuff from last year, and see what might fit next week. My neighbor had lent me a bunch of clothes, that I had finally put away last Friday. In 7 days they were all packed up. But, my closet couldn't be more organized. I purposely waited to put my regular clothes away because I didn't want to do this. But, we got too comfortable with the pregnancy. We felt safe. And we couldn't have been more wrong. I even bought 3 custom science/chemistry onesies (one with Rango's name with a molecular structure) for Mario for father's day. They arrived yesterday morning. I emailed cafepress to get the form to return them. They emailed us back right away, telling us they refunded us the fees, and please not to worry about returning the items, and they were so sorry for our loss.
So now, not only do we have a stroller system, a high chair, a pack and play, a changing table, a dresser, and 5 outfits and 2 packs of onesies and a pack of infant diapers, and a breast pump kit, we don't have a baby to use it in October. Plus 4 complete seasons of maternity clothes.
Plus, let's not forget my biggest guilt of all--Rango was due on my husband's birthday-10/15. And it is his 30th birthday. For his birthday I was going to give him a son. Now I have to worry if he begins to resent me. It's too much to hope that we will be given a clean bill of health to try again, and that's even if we wanted too. So there's no hope left. So thinking maybe we can try again. Maybe we'll be pregnant again by his birthday. But any chance of hope. of thinking its going to be that easy is out the window. We are left with two 21w babies who died. Robbie from a heart or kidney malformation. Rango, we still don't know. But we know they were both boys. That died at the same point in the pregnancy.
I don't understand how God would let me get pregnant again, only to carry the baby for 5 months, feel him kick and move. I just don't understand. If we weren't meant to have a baby, why let me get pregnant at all? I think it would be a bigger sign if I just couldn't get pregnant. We wouldn't question it then. But to let me get pregnant so easily, and quickly, and then lose my sons at 5 months--i don't understand. why do i have to suffer like this? why put my family through this? and why did my daughters have to be there again on Thursday when Rango was "sleeping" and so still? Surely they could have been spared that. I do think my family would be better off with out me. But right now I have to focus on the week ahead. I need to make it through Wednesday--for the sake of my family. To be fair, I just don't care anymore. Hurt me, cause me pain, make me uncomfortable. But spare my family this pain. This is all my fault, I must have done something. Why else does everyone around me get to have babies (there are 4 alone in our family), and I am the one who loses them again? It must be me.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
I Really Can't Do This Again
I am falling deeper and deeper into a dark black abyss. Nothing is worth anything anymore. My life is full of shit. I wish I knew why nothing good has happened to me. Am I honestly that horrible of a person? I took care of myself, through both of the pregnancies, and both of them died. What's the point anymore? Why should I bother to take care of myself? I honestly don't care. On Sunday I get to go through the hell again, all the physical pain, as well as all the emotional pain that had already begun. I can't possibly hurt more than I am right now. My heart and mind are completely shattered. There is no returning from this. The person everyone thought I was is gone--forever. I have even told my husband that after the procedures I will be packing up me and the girls and we are moving out. I will file for divorce in 6 months. He doesn't deserve this. And it's all my fault. He deserves a caring wife, who can give him all the babies he wants. He deserves happiness and contentment. I haven't been able to provide that, and will never be able to. All I do is nag, and make his life miserable, and have two children that don't appreciate him. He deserves so much more than this for his family. And I know there are women out there just waiting for me to leave. He won't be alone for long. All the debt is mine, all the financial worry is mine. He will be able to start over fresh and clean, like the last two years didn't exist.
I just need to shove the pain away in the next few days, continue to build this numbness and wall up, and then I won't feel the hurt anymore. Then in a week the girls and I will start over too. Just the three of us. When I said yesterday I can't go through this again, I meant it. God only gives us what we can handle--bullshit. I'm done, throwing in the towel. I'm shutting down. I've been pushed too far.
I just need to shove the pain away in the next few days, continue to build this numbness and wall up, and then I won't feel the hurt anymore. Then in a week the girls and I will start over too. Just the three of us. When I said yesterday I can't go through this again, I meant it. God only gives us what we can handle--bullshit. I'm done, throwing in the towel. I'm shutting down. I've been pushed too far.
Friday, June 10, 2011
When you can't cry anymore...
So its not enough that the universe has been pooping on me, but tonight, as a quick thunderstorm came through, I decided I wanted to sit and watch the storm outside. And I was dry for a while, until a huge gust of wind came, and blew so much rain onto me I was drenched. When I walked inside, my husband started laughing and said that's what I get for sitting outside--the universe sneezed on me.
but like i told my husband, we've had so much bad stuff happen in the last year and a half that I can't take it anymore. I don't have any more tears to cry. So my husband said maybe that was nature's way of giving me more tears to cry. Probably....but I would like a happy ending instead.
but like i told my husband, we've had so much bad stuff happen in the last year and a half that I can't take it anymore. I don't have any more tears to cry. So my husband said maybe that was nature's way of giving me more tears to cry. Probably....but I would like a happy ending instead.
The morning after
thanks to some sleeping pills i was able to fall asleep last night for a while. i don't remember if i had any dreams or not. but at 5am i did wake up, and went to pat rango good morning and realized he wasn't there, in spirit. i feel so empty and alone. i want to curse my body for not being able to carry yet another baby--who was completely healthy. i got out of bed and curled up on the floor in the family room and just cried. and the really sad thing--i think i am almost out of tears. my heart is so broken and heavy. i feel like i could cry for days and days, but my tears won't come every time i start to sob. instead its like a wail i've never heard myself make.
my husband wants to try to return all the big baby items we purchased when we decided to try again to have another baby. he doesn't want to have to chance us losing another 2nd trimester baby. let alone he wanted a son, and he's lost 2 sons. i know its too soon to even approach the idea of going through this again, especially until we get some answers (and hopefully we will--will God be so cruel as to have us have 2 stillbirths at the same point in the pregnancy and not allow us answers for both?). but i am optimistic that its nothing genetic, nothing that can't be fixed easily. there was nothing structurally wrong with Rango. There was no hydrops, evidence of infection, or birth defect. as far as the genetic screenings went, there were no markers.
4 generations of women in my family have only delivered girls. no live boys. my mom miscarried a boy between me and my sister. i now have have 2 stillborn sons. but the doctor doesn't think this has anything to do with why they died.
we go to florida in 2 weeks for training for a part time job. i was going to go and use motherhood coupons to buy some sundresses and bathing suits. instead i am sitting here debating whether i would burn more calories on the ellipitcal or going for a bike ride. i already know the battle with my body is going to start over losing the baby weight. i'm grateful that i've only gained maybe 5 total lbs since the beginning of the pregnancy--i gained a total of 25 with robbie. and after robbie i was able to lose 20 of that 25 pretty quickly, but i was still further from my prepregnancy weight. i'm hoping that in 2 weeks i will have lost at least 15-20 more, which would put me at the weight i was when i got married last year, and where i might be able to fit into my summer clothes from last year! but it's all up to how my body cooperates.
listen to me...my mind is racing at all the stupid little details. 24hrs ago, my son was dying or already dead. i know he was alive when i woke up yesterday--i remembered him moving when i was getting ready. but sometime between 7am and 3pm he died. i don't know if it makes it worse knowing a window. and there is a big part of me that wants to stay curled up on the floor and not move. my husband went to work, and my mother in law has my daughters. i want to pull the blanket up over my head and just wait to wake up from this bad dream. but i already know from last time that's not going to happen. my reality is that i am a mother of back to back stillbirths, with 2 live daughters, and no one knows why all of a sudden i make it to 21 weeks and the baby's die. my husband, who just wanted 1 child of his own, is now a dad to two little boys that he will never teach to drive, or play ball, or cuddle with. and he doesn't want to even entertain the idea of even trying to make it a reality (boy or girl).
like i told my daughters yesterday, rango knew we loved him very much, and we couldn't wait to meet him. we read him stories every night (my oldest would read to him), and my youngest would always give my belly a kiss and tell him hi or goodbye. her head was the perfect height to reach the bellybutton--for some reason she thought this was a speaker to the baby. we listened to his heartbeat and his movements on the doppler every night, including wednesday night. my husband would pat the baby, and talk to him. we made sure we enjoyed this baby while he was with us. we thought once we were out of the woods we'd be meeting rango in just a few short months.
i have custom geeky science onesies that i ordered, and should be arriving today. we have to decide what we are going to do with his remains.
i have to go apply for a job at a high school, that denied my application because it wasn't in the correct order. a week ago i thought its ok, i'll stay home with rango. now there's no reason to stay home anymore. my girls are both in school. and i'll go crazy being a stay at home mom, knowing that i should have a baby to be cuddling and feeding and changing. everyone thought me losing my job and being pregnant was a sign that everything was working out. i even believed it too. but we were all wrong--completely. i want to know why i have lost two sons, my job (in 6 months), and now my husband doesn't even want to try again. so no hope for a baby in the future.
i want to get the procedures started today, not sunday. the sooner they start, the sooner we can do the d & e, and we can hopefully say goodbye. the doctor is going to try to keep rango intact so we can at least hold him and look at him. i don't want to wait till sunday. i feel like an imposter walking around with a little bump, wearing maternity clothes (granted most people still can't tell if i am pregnant). and its not like i am post partum either--with a little baby to justify the over baggy clothes or not fitting into my non-maternity bathing suits.
like i said yesterday when i was the first to realize he wasn't moving, i can't do this again. i don't have the strength.
my husband wants to try to return all the big baby items we purchased when we decided to try again to have another baby. he doesn't want to have to chance us losing another 2nd trimester baby. let alone he wanted a son, and he's lost 2 sons. i know its too soon to even approach the idea of going through this again, especially until we get some answers (and hopefully we will--will God be so cruel as to have us have 2 stillbirths at the same point in the pregnancy and not allow us answers for both?). but i am optimistic that its nothing genetic, nothing that can't be fixed easily. there was nothing structurally wrong with Rango. There was no hydrops, evidence of infection, or birth defect. as far as the genetic screenings went, there were no markers.
4 generations of women in my family have only delivered girls. no live boys. my mom miscarried a boy between me and my sister. i now have have 2 stillborn sons. but the doctor doesn't think this has anything to do with why they died.
we go to florida in 2 weeks for training for a part time job. i was going to go and use motherhood coupons to buy some sundresses and bathing suits. instead i am sitting here debating whether i would burn more calories on the ellipitcal or going for a bike ride. i already know the battle with my body is going to start over losing the baby weight. i'm grateful that i've only gained maybe 5 total lbs since the beginning of the pregnancy--i gained a total of 25 with robbie. and after robbie i was able to lose 20 of that 25 pretty quickly, but i was still further from my prepregnancy weight. i'm hoping that in 2 weeks i will have lost at least 15-20 more, which would put me at the weight i was when i got married last year, and where i might be able to fit into my summer clothes from last year! but it's all up to how my body cooperates.
listen to me...my mind is racing at all the stupid little details. 24hrs ago, my son was dying or already dead. i know he was alive when i woke up yesterday--i remembered him moving when i was getting ready. but sometime between 7am and 3pm he died. i don't know if it makes it worse knowing a window. and there is a big part of me that wants to stay curled up on the floor and not move. my husband went to work, and my mother in law has my daughters. i want to pull the blanket up over my head and just wait to wake up from this bad dream. but i already know from last time that's not going to happen. my reality is that i am a mother of back to back stillbirths, with 2 live daughters, and no one knows why all of a sudden i make it to 21 weeks and the baby's die. my husband, who just wanted 1 child of his own, is now a dad to two little boys that he will never teach to drive, or play ball, or cuddle with. and he doesn't want to even entertain the idea of even trying to make it a reality (boy or girl).
like i told my daughters yesterday, rango knew we loved him very much, and we couldn't wait to meet him. we read him stories every night (my oldest would read to him), and my youngest would always give my belly a kiss and tell him hi or goodbye. her head was the perfect height to reach the bellybutton--for some reason she thought this was a speaker to the baby. we listened to his heartbeat and his movements on the doppler every night, including wednesday night. my husband would pat the baby, and talk to him. we made sure we enjoyed this baby while he was with us. we thought once we were out of the woods we'd be meeting rango in just a few short months.
i have custom geeky science onesies that i ordered, and should be arriving today. we have to decide what we are going to do with his remains.
i have to go apply for a job at a high school, that denied my application because it wasn't in the correct order. a week ago i thought its ok, i'll stay home with rango. now there's no reason to stay home anymore. my girls are both in school. and i'll go crazy being a stay at home mom, knowing that i should have a baby to be cuddling and feeding and changing. everyone thought me losing my job and being pregnant was a sign that everything was working out. i even believed it too. but we were all wrong--completely. i want to know why i have lost two sons, my job (in 6 months), and now my husband doesn't even want to try again. so no hope for a baby in the future.
i want to get the procedures started today, not sunday. the sooner they start, the sooner we can do the d & e, and we can hopefully say goodbye. the doctor is going to try to keep rango intact so we can at least hold him and look at him. i don't want to wait till sunday. i feel like an imposter walking around with a little bump, wearing maternity clothes (granted most people still can't tell if i am pregnant). and its not like i am post partum either--with a little baby to justify the over baggy clothes or not fitting into my non-maternity bathing suits.
like i said yesterday when i was the first to realize he wasn't moving, i can't do this again. i don't have the strength.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Yes, I am numb, in shock and I can feel the bitterness growing
Everything does not happen for a reason. Why then would I have lost two babies, and my job in less than 6 months? Today at a routine appointment (to do face and heart measurements as a follow up to the anatomy scan, which was perfect and normal), we learned that at some point today Rango's heart stopped beating. He was moving yesterday, and had a heartbeat (we listened after dinner). And all the growth measurements have him at his gestational age, 21w5d. All the doctors said (after getting ultrasounds done) that he was perfectly healthy and were completely perplexed as to what happened.
Why can't I give my husband a live son? Why can't I make it past 21weeks in a pregnancy? Why do I have to bury another child? And why, why, did we have to find out again with both girls in the room (like last time)?
I am in shock, and am mainly upset that I am a failure, and something is so utterly wrong with me that I cannot have a live child.
I have so many thoughts swirling in my head. None of them are good. It doesn't make sense, and its not fair. And I don't want to hear life's not fair. Why does everyone else around me get to have healthy pregnancies, again, and I am facing my second d & e on wednesday?
I just want my baby!!!
Why can't I give my husband a live son? Why can't I make it past 21weeks in a pregnancy? Why do I have to bury another child? And why, why, did we have to find out again with both girls in the room (like last time)?
I am in shock, and am mainly upset that I am a failure, and something is so utterly wrong with me that I cannot have a live child.
I have so many thoughts swirling in my head. None of them are good. It doesn't make sense, and its not fair. And I don't want to hear life's not fair. Why does everyone else around me get to have healthy pregnancies, again, and I am facing my second d & e on wednesday?
I just want my baby!!!
Sunday, June 5, 2011
21 weeks 1 day
So today is the I've been dreading the whole pregnancy. I know it was unfounded anxiety--I mean, what were the chances really that it would happen again at the same point exactly in the pregnancy? I've been using the doppler since Friday, even though I have felt little kicks and punches and rolls. Now to just make it to Thursday, where we have another ultrasound scheduled for face and heart measurements.
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