I Really Can't Do This Again

I am falling deeper and deeper into a dark black abyss.  Nothing is worth anything anymore.  My life is full of shit.  I wish I knew why nothing good has happened to me.  Am I honestly that horrible of a person?  I took care of myself, through both of the pregnancies, and both of them died.  What's the point anymore?  Why should I bother to take care of myself?  I honestly don't care.  On Sunday I get to go through the hell again, all the physical pain, as well as all the emotional pain that had already begun.  I can't possibly hurt more than I am right now.  My heart and mind are completely shattered.  There is no returning from this.  The person everyone thought I was is gone--forever.  I have even told my husband that after the procedures I will be packing up me and the girls and we are moving out.  I will file for divorce in 6 months.  He doesn't deserve this.  And it's all my fault.  He deserves a caring wife, who can give him all the babies he wants.  He deserves happiness and contentment.  I haven't been able to provide that, and will never be able to.  All I do is nag, and make his life miserable, and have two children that don't appreciate him.  He deserves so much more than this for his family.  And I know there are women out there just waiting for me to leave.  He won't be alone for long.  All the debt is mine, all the financial worry is mine.  He will be able to start over fresh and clean, like the last two years didn't exist.
I just need to shove the pain away in the next few days, continue to build this numbness and wall up, and then I won't feel the hurt anymore.  Then in a week the girls and I will start over too.  Just the three of us.  When I said yesterday I can't go through this again, I meant it.  God only gives us what we can handle--bullshit.  I'm done, throwing in the towel.   I'm shutting down.  I've been pushed too far.