I know I want to try to be more positive, but at this stage I am just not there yet. After a fertility specialist appointment (also reproductive endocrinologist), where that doctor is just a perplexed as all the doctors that we are seeing to figure out what happened, I am just resigned to say I am done. While I am trying not to lose all hope until we get the test results/ autopsy results next week, it is very difficult.
There are two leads of thought on what could be happening. But, all the doctors have said while this is highly unlikely, and it is unlikely either of these could be the reason why our sons died at 21w, one is more likely than the other, but they are both unlikely (did you follow the paradox? my mind is twisting from it too!).
the first is still being investigated, and that is blood clots. The second is that there could be a mutated x-chromosome that is inherited in my family, hence why there haven't been any boys (save 1) on my grandmother's side in 4 generations. There is a 50/50 chance that a baby could get the mutated x-chromosome. So apparently for both Robbie and Rango, they could have each gotten the mutated one, not the normal one. But if the baby is a girl, there is another x chromosome to make up for the mutated one. Hence why I have two daughters. The prognosis for this, so far, is a bit more drastic than we had anticipated.
But, there is still scenario 3: worse case scenario: i go on baby aspirin and /or heparin and try again. and hope it works. yeah, unfortunately, i'm not ready just to try again on the "let's see what happens". I'm a scientist, and I understand their mindset. but emotionally i just can't throw caution to the wind. or can i? we all exercise self-preservation...and that's all this is. I'm just glad that I don't need to make a definite decision for a while.
But, in the end, it all boils down to simply I miss my boys. I am grateful for my daughters, and that opportunity to raise them. I am grateful for my husband. And I am grateful that I could spend time with my sons no matter how short and limited the time was.
I just miss Robbie and Rango. That's it.
thank you so much for your ever so kind comment on "tb" thread earlier tonight. i am glad you shared your blog with me and i'm happy if just for a moment, reading mine helped you. My goodness, you are so strong, even if you don't feel it at the moment. i am so very sorry for your heartache and unanswered questions. one loss is one too many and i am sorry you have endured 2. i have had many, yes...but i often look at women in your situation with such admiration for all your strength bc i have never made it out of the first trimester. god bless you.
ReplyDeletei know for my husband and i, the hardest part was after our 3rd loss, still having no answers. and then we got our answer and where we were happy to have one, it was the most heart wrenching one...that my husband has a chromosomal disorder causing our losses. of course he felt totally to blame, guilty and like a failure...and now, 9 months of grieving, still trying, getting pregnant 2 more times and losing them, we are getting to a place of peace where we realize somethings don't go as you think. we are taking a break from the dr this month as we've been living at the dr's since October 09' and are in the process of (if this doesn't work out "naturally") looking into donor sperm.
I think the hardest part about losing our babies is that we all of course want to go into it thinking, in 9 months a beautiful baby will be born. For me, as soon as I got that 1st positive, I was head over heels in love with that baby...
It is such a tough, long, tedious road...and i pray that we both get our rainbow babies after this ever so rainy storm.
i look forward to following in your journey <3
much luck and love to you
maria :)