Looking from the outside in...

Before I start writing, I just need to clarify--this is about my husband's family, not mine. My family (I guess because we are so small, even though we do live distances away) has been so supportive and open to talking about Robbie and Rango. They don't pretend it didn't happen, and I know that when I have a bad day, I can contact anyone in my family and have the support I need. {EDIT: To avoid any hurt feelings, this is not intended to slam or insult my extended in law family. This is again, a journal of my raw emotions, intended to let other women who are experiencing the same grief that if they have the same thoughts or hurt feelings, they are not alone. My point in this post, after re-reading it several times, is that 1) all families handle grief differently. I am just struggling to understand being a part of a family that expects us to be happy for births when the deaths of our sons are not acknowledged and 2) denial of bad things happening in a family can lead to some very hurt feelings. like my husband said, after i wrote this post, my expectations were just too high from family, in general. i think i just want his family, who does see our posts on fb, to acknowledge that our sons existed and are a part of our family. but that may never happen, and i do have to accept that, without bitterness or anger. and i do, but just friday was a rough day and like i said, this is raw emotion. i do know that everyone handles grief and loss differently. it's why some people embrace us when they see us, and other people duck into an aisle in iga to avoid coming in contact with us. it's okay. we have a community around us that supports us...a church that is praying for us and is waiting to see us again, friends and neighbors who do listen and give advice, and are willing to sit with us and just talk, or take us out, but don't push us either if we aren't ready, and family who is concerned for us. And step by step we are walking this path of healing and acceptance.}
My husband's family is very large. In fact, there were a total of 4 of us due within a couple of months of each other--2 in august, 2 in october. One is the nasty cousin who was so rude and disrespectful after Robbie and wanted her stroller back right away. Yup--she is delivering in the next few weeks, and no, its not fair.
But I feel like I am on the outside looking in at a family that only a year ago my husband and I were so involved in. No one except his parents have even acknowledged our losses (well, b/c they were the grandparents), and one cousin. None of them (and they are all facebook friends) have looked at the pictures or said to us how sorry they are. Instead, they are posting about weddings and making plans. It is like we are invisible, or our luck is so bad they are purposely avoiding us (including my sister in law). My in laws don't talk to us about any of the cousins...I know its so I don't get upset. But if they would only realize if they recognized our loss, and spoke to us about Robbie and Rango, perhaps there wouldn't be a gap. We aren't going to reach out to them for anything...not when they didn't acknowledge what happened in the first place. They were all there when we got married, and when we were talking about trying to have a baby. But now, they are all gone. You wouldn't know that we are part of a young family. And I am really hurt. I'm supposed to be happy for their pregnancies (sorry, i'm not there yet, its not fair..especially for that cousin that is on her fourth baby and didn't want it, and we so desperately want our babies!), or the barefoot and pregnant wedding that happened while we were away.
I can't say any of this to my husband-it's not his fault, and i feel so bad b/c at least I have my family. He doesn't have anyone checking on him. I have my cousins, my parents, my aunt and uncle, my sister, my grandmother. His family is just avoiding us. For example, they are all going to the beach tomorrow for a week. And making plans. And where are we? Home, alone, with no family. I get that the rest of the family has so much to look forward too--they have babies and weddings. And what do we have? We are the black cloud on the family. They only want to hang around with other members that are happy and have a good life. I guess screw us.
I married into this family thinking how great it would be. They were close not just in age and in relationships, but also in proximity. Instead, our neighbors and friends know more and offer more support than his family. What a shame. And it just pains me even more.