Variables and Constants

“The only thing constant in life is change”  Francois de la Rochefoucauld

First, let me start by apologizing for not posting more frequently.  It has been a terribly difficult month for me emotionally...reminders at every turn of what we have lost.  And I have found that the best way I can handle my emotions is staying terribly busy, so that at night I have no choice but to lay down and sleep from exhaustion!  Its a good kind of busy--positive energy.  I am busy at work, adjusting to being back to my old stomping ground; busy at home, with my two daughters and school and the chaotic-ness that comes with the start of new routines; busy on the weekends, trying new things and making memories with my family; busy planning October 15th's event, an event that is both bitter and sweet, and oh so necessary.  It's not easy.  Many mornings I want to just pull the covers up and stay in bed.  But I know I don't have the time to allow myself a pity party.  As our priest said during the homily on Sunday, why do we think life has to be fair?  That's a misconception on our part as human beings.  And what is fair to us may not be fair to someone else.  And while I still don't think its fair for any of us to have ever had the loss of a child, I can understand the priest's point of view.  Only God knows what is fair for us.  And it also may not be fair for "right now".  Fair doesn't mean right.  We can only hope (there's that elusive word) that somehow, over time, things do work out for the best.  And that is so much easier to type than it is to believe! (by the way, the homily was based on Luke 9: 7-9, the one where the last shall be first, and the man hires workers who work varying hours during the day for him, but all make the same rate, regardless if they worked 8 hrs or 1 hr).  

But in the last few weeks I have come to realize that really, the only thing constant in my life is change.  And I first heard this quote in college during an honors literature class I had to take (i love reading, but this course was a challenge!).  boy, what i wish i knew what I know now!  What i could have shared with the class!!  For those of you who don't know me very well, I am a very strong Type A personality.  I like control, I like knowing what is happening, and going to happen.  I love lists and plans.  The last year especially has been so hard for me because I can't control anything...And I wish I could!  Just control one little thing.  Since the end of summer, I went back to my former district, to teach my former courses, with all the teachers that groomed me to be the teacher I became, to advise my former club (which apparently no one else wants to run), but as a completely different person with a completely new perspective and new found respect and appreciation.  I haven't stopped smiling.  While everything has changed, it feels like home.  I feel a difference in myself, in how I am in the classroom.  Barely anyone knows about the boys...only because I am only sharing it if people ask, or if I feel it is pertinent information (its not right now).  So I also don't get pitying looks and hugs.  At my job, I am me, and I am happy and bubbly, and have a great reputation for being an understanding yet strict teacher.  Its nice.  At home, my girls take the bus to school (another change), and in the afternoon, my youngest takes the bus home.  My oldest either gets picked up by my friend, or stays at school for an extra 20 minutes until I can arrive.  Its a whole new schedule, and the girls are changing too, but still, there is a sense of their need for their parents.  No matter how big they get, they still run to me when they don't feel good, or have a bad day at school.  

So I'm getting used to this permanent state of change.  The minute things get too predictable, that's when you need to expect things to go awry.  I don't have tenure, or have a bigger home, or a problem free life, or a six month old, or expecting a baby in 1 month.  I do have a loving family that I appreciate now more than ever who keeps me on the sane path, I have a job at a school that I know I love and appreciate, with a wonderful support network in place, I have two healthy girls growing bigger and more independent every day, I have a husband who tries with all his might to give me everything that he thinks we may want to need, and, most importantly, I have hope.