Dreams

Last night I had a dream.  Normally, I do have dreams, but I don't remember them.  Since the boys died (after Robbie and Rango too) I've prayed to have some dream, some way to see my boys to know they are okay.  I didn't get that.  I got other signs--dandelions, pennies and my husband  and daughter telling me what their dreams were about (one or two each, not many).  So, I learned to be content with that.
But last night, for some reason, I woke up and remembered my dream vividly.  And the more I thought about the dream, the more I realized where it took place, and who was there.
I was on my college campus.  It was present time, because I was walking with all my college friends and their kids (M and her son, K and her son, my roomate and her children, another friend M) and we were all our current ages.  Some current friends were there too.  And we were walking around the campus with strollers and bags, showing the kids where we went to school, and telling them stories of what we did.  And I was getting very tired, and wanted to go eat.  So I started questioning why we were still walking around.  They told me we just had to keep walking.  I handed a stroller off to my friend M, who in turn was trying to handle her very active son.  I held her son while we began our steep climb up to our campus.  I asked why we had to go up that road--there was a better road (on the other side of the campus) that we could get to the dining hall to.  But uphill we trudged, with K's son pulling and squirming, trying to get down and run up the big hill.
Finally, we reached the top of the hill, and they told me we were almost there.  I asked where, because I just wanted to sit.  Both of the little boys (D and C) were trying to run around and go back down the hill!  Finally, my friends told me they had to delay me for my baby shower, and if I could please just act surprised, there was a delay at the hotel restaurant, and that's why we were walking around forever.  I complied, but asked if we could please get to the hotel at least so I could just sit and the boys could run around in a contained facility.  They agreed, and off we went.  C and D took turns sitting on my lap once we got to the hotel, because I was sitting on a lavishly decorated swing, with lots of metal work on the top.  C kept trying to climb it to go upside down, and finally got his head stuck inside.  I was panicking, because his mom or dad wasn't around, and I was sure I was going to get in huge trouble!  But when K and M showed up, they laughed, freed C and then took me into the baby shower.
It was Sesame Street themed.  Presents, cookies, little cakes, and all decorations.  Everyone I knew was there, and so excited for us.  I was confused and angry because the family had agreed that if I got pregnant again, there would be no shower.  But everyone told me not to worry...this time was going to be fine.  Then I woke up.
As I went through getting ready, I was sorting out the details of the dream (like why my girlfriends sons were such a prominent role), and why Sesame Street (b/c it was the theme to my first birthday, and my mom and stepdad threw it for me), and why I didn't know I was pregnant in the dream (b/c i was seeing it through my eyes, and obviously i wasn't looking down at my belly!).  I can't analyze the dream much more than "A dream is a wish your heart makes, when you're fast asleep".  I wish I could get pregnant again, and be not stressed out and enjoy it.  I wish I could have a baby shower, but everyone is going to be too nervous to throw me one before the baby is even born.  I wish I could say I'll be positive throughout the pregnancy, but I know better.
But it was nice to dream of a happy occasion, one that I wish I could have.  Where reality wasn't so harsh.  And maybe one day I'll have another dream, showing me my heart's desires, and letting me think, even if for a little while, that it is a possibility in reality.