Can I get off the roller coaster now?

The summer of 2010, my hubby and I decided to take a road trip (well, I decided, he had no choice really). We were going to visit friends in north jersey, then make a stop in Scranton, PA (the hometown of one of our favorite shows, The Office), then head to Niagara Falls, Canada.  On the way home, my husband simply wanted to go on roller coasters.  So for a month, I researched and planned, and found that Hershey Park was one of the best places we could go.  But, 2 days before we left for our road trip, we found out I was pregnant (with Robbie) and was told no rides, absolutely not, even though I was only 5 weeks pregnant.  So, I stood in line with him, in the July heat, and watched and took pictures as he went on the rides alone.  Last summer, we went to St. Petersburg, Fl, for a job opportunity training...and flew into Tampa.  I knew he wanted to go to Busch Gardens, so I had started to do pricing for that trip.  I already knew I was pregnant with Rango, so rides were again out for me--but how I missed the thrill of roller coasters!  The spinning, the speed, the surprise!  Needless to say, after Rango died, I made sure we went to Busch Gardens, and we went on every single roller coaster we could.
But lately I feel like I am on one big roller coaster.  My days are either full of adrenaline, or full of my stomach tied in knots and turned inside out.  I understand part of the grieving process is the extreme emotional output I'm going to have.  My highs are really high and my lows are lower than I've ever felt--to the point of not wanting to get out of bed in the morning.  There's no middle ground, subduing emotion.  Its either one extreme or the other.  And this constant back and forth is driving me mad.  I desire nothing more at this point to be emotionally healthy.  I want to stop crying at little things, or feeling sick to my stomach when I hear other women talk about their pregnancies or see babies.  I want to be happy for other people when they are pregnant instead of angry.  But when I get myself in a frame of mind where I feel "okay" and can handle whatever life is going to throw at me next, something from left field comes out and hits me.  And there I go, back to the valley, desperately trying to climb out.
I haven't posted in so long because my emotions are all over the place.  Same reason why I haven't responded to emails.  I get up, get my daughters ready for school, go to work, stay busy all day, then rush home to pick up the girls, start dinner, check homework, do laundry, eat and clean up dinner, baths, showers, bed.  And this is my routine.  I try to stay away from the computer as much as I can.  I am finding that it isn't helping my frame of mind in a positive way.  I tend to just find sites that get me even more depressed, and that puts me in a funk for several days.
Its been 11 months since I became a member of this club...hard to believe that 1 year ago I was happily pregnant, running around at my daughter's 7th birthday party, clueless as to what was going to happen in just a few short weeks.  A year ago, we learned that we were going to have a boy, and saw him on the ultrasound moving around.  And with those emotions of the past year, also the grief of losing Rango--who should have been with us right now.  But he's not.  And all the reminders that life does still go on.  Everyone is a year older, my daughters have outgrown their clothes and tv shows (from max and ruby to watching shows on Discovery channel), and instead of Disney Princess we are watching Harry Potter.  My husband turned 30, and I am facing 33.  Our house, while trying to sell it, is showing its age in so many ways (new septic system has to go in, new heater probably before winter).  Its another Thanksgiving, another Christmas.  But I still want to scream, push the pause button and just stop.  The roller coaster just keeps going.  Just when I think I've handled the first curve, the first twist, the next upside down curve is just ahead.  There's no end.  It just keeps going.
I am trying so hard to be positive, that things are going to work out for us.  Everyone else around us is...but I feel like we keep getting knocked down everytime we pull ourselves back up.  I cried the night before October 15th to my husband--a break down like no other.  I have no hope and no faith left.  I gave up--completely.  No matter what I try to do, or pray for, or ask for, I keep getting knocked down.  No offense Lord, I know you are only going to give me what I can handle, but come on...You've broken me so much in the last year, can't I get one break?  Can you go test someone else for a while?  Just when I think things are looking up, there's that twist--that stomach wrencher--that puts you back gasping for air and screaming at the top of your lungs.  I just need to get off of this ride, and find the nice lazy river to travel in for a while.  I could use a change of pace.  But for now, I'm locked in the seat, firmly buckled and my head squished against the sides of the safety bars and the back of the chair.  And the driver/ controller isn't letting me out anytime soon. I just hope when the buckle is released I'll be able to walk down the ramp, look at the pictures and smile, no matter what terror or uncertainty I felt during the ride.