Yup, had a bad day. I figured it was coming after such a positive week. Doesn't mean I was happy--it just meant I wasn't sad as much. It just feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, and I can't shake it. Being happy has taken on a whole new meaning for me.
For example, if you read my posts from the spring, you know that I was non-renewed at a district that i really liked working in, due to problems between me and the supervisor there (and i think it had to do with pregnancy stuff too--pretty sure of that!). but everyone just figured it was meant to be because now i would be able to be home with Rango and not worry about going back to work. I would find a job after I had the baby. But that wasn't the plan--obviously. So the Friday after Rango died my husband and daughters drove with me to my previous district to hand deliver my resume packet. I didn't want to do anything, but knew I had to apply for something, because come October if I was still home, I'd be a blubbering mess.
So fast forward, and I interviewed and got the position. Being its only for 1 year, for a teacher taking another year of maternity leave. It is a teacher I knew well, and am happy she is able to stay home with her little one. My husband, friends and family are all so excited for me. They are happy for me. And I am "huh" about it. Yes, I am looking forward to going back to my first school I taught at, where I was understood. I can work with all my old friends again. But I can't say I'm happy. I'm grateful to have a job, and know that this is probably my last chance to show I am a good, caring teacher. But happy, no. Happy would be looking forward to staying home with Rango in the fall, and being a stay at home mom. 1 year ago, happy was being content at work, and coming home to my family, and having a network of friends surrounding us. Now, happy is just unattainable. Unless someone invents a time machine, and I can go back, and somehow change what happened.
Now, I am grateful for my daughters. I have learned to cherish every moment with them, and to play with them, read them stories, and stop being lazy around them. I seem happy around them because I have something that I have to survive for. But when they go to their father's, I dread the long days and nights that are coming. I dread my husband asking me what are we going to do today. Because this is the rest of my life. Boring nights, with a husband that is too tired to get off the couch, a bank account that doesn't have enough in it to fund an excursion every long weekend, and a dog that can't always travel with us. And this is the rest of our life. And its depressing, and while I would love to find a hobby for us, biking is it. But my husband is limited to how far this interest is. I grew up with a dad who forced us to ride bikes everywhere. It was not unheard of to ride our bikes on vacation, or go for hikes. And as a kid I hated it, every moment. But now, I would enjoy just throwing the bikes in the car, and finding a new trail. But his idea of biking as a hobby is going for a 45minute bike ride every other day around the neighborhood. I need more than just this. But he asked me tonight what would make me happy--I told him how I don't think I'll be "happy" again. Happy is gone. And his reply was that I was being difficult and I need to get over it already. his solution? Buy a Maserati...really?!?! A car that will sit in the garage (and that we don't have the funds to even buy), and he won't drive it anywhere will solve our hobby problems.
Yes, this is a vent/ rant today. I am in a sour mood, and have 4 long days ahead of me of boredom and sitting watching my husband play games on the computer or watch re-runs of it's always sunny. fun times.
But the question is, what am I going to do to help myself, since he won't do anything. Maybe tomorrow I'll get that answer.
i am so incredibly sorry you had a bad day. i feel like it is so hard for the husbands to truly get. when we first set out on this journey, steve would be a man of stone...super strong and more just to help get me through. but he was dying inside...he has opened up so much since all we have learned...but he always tells me he never wants this to dictate our lives. and where i agree, i'd love for it not to...i know, until we have our take home baby...the pain will never be all that bearable. my friend who had 2 losses in between her daughters always tells me, "you're not going to feel complete until you hold that baby in your arms" and she's right...it didn't hurt me at all when she said that bc when she said it, i thought, wow...great way of putting it. i know, no matter what the pain will always be there...even when we have a child...a sort of bittersweetness will linger for the ones we lost.
ReplyDeleteit upsets me too sometimes when i see how easy (it seems) but probably isnt...for steve to escape into a game on the computer or tv...or watch a movie...
congratulations on your position. i know what it's like, to get good news but not feel thrilled about it.
i agree with you...i don't like not having plans...i mean, sometimes, don't get me wrong...it is so nice to just do nothing but for more than a couple days, i go crazy. and as you said, keeping busy seems to be our way to cope. one or two days and i'm so refreshed and them i think, "okay, now what...i'm bored"
you deserve a great day today...and a beautiful life. you deserve to feel like the wonderful wife, mother and person you are. i know there is nothing i can say to take away the pain but i just want you to know i'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers for the happiness you are striving for. i hope that this weekend turns out to be better than expected.
thinking of u! <3
maria
Stacey, i am sorry you had a bad day. But this time I think I can actually offer some suggestions because although i can't tell you how to make the pain go away, i have some ideas.
ReplyDeleteMy husband rides his bike approx 1000 miles every month. I can't keep up with him! so he rides by himself a lot and with a bike club. bike clubs often have different kinds of rides, rides for fast riders, slow, moderate. (Talk to your Aunt about this!) you don't ALWAYS have to ride with your husband. not only that, if you get into a riding routine and start toning and firming and losing weight in a healthy manner, he might take a look and want to join you!
the other thing is, you are a "human doing" you were not made to sit around in front of a tv or a computer. You CAN fill some of those hollow times with activities that make you feel better, for me it's painting, but for you it might be writing (not just about the topics of this blog) or cooking or.... you have wonderful creative talents. If you can't create a baby right now, create some other stuff. And when it's not 100 degrees out, go for a bike ride! hugs
maria--thank you, as always. your reply (which i read while on the elliptial this am) made me think and reflect. alot. you'll see some of that in the post tonight.
ReplyDeletemimi--you are absolutely right! i saw aunt michele today, and she said i was toned. so that made me feel good. my cousin gave me a book that explains how to knit in detail, so tomorrow i am going to get the supplies and start knitting!! and as soon as the thermometer doesn't read 90 or above, i'll be back out on the bike!!