My hubby and I went out last year and bought ourselves bikes, in an effort to better ourselves, and find a way to bond without being in front of the tv. And it was working, until I found myself in the midst of morning sickness with Robbie and unable to focus on pedaling the bike, or dry-heaving after a mild bike ride.
So the Sunday before the d & e we pulled out the bikes and went for a nice long ride. And it was peaceful. We can only go on long rides when the girls are with their dad. But a few weeks ago we started riding as a family...not relaxing, but maybe we'll get there!
So last night my hubby suggested we go for a bike ride. I think it was in response to my bad anxiety that had been hitting hard around 8-9 at night, trying to get me tuckered out. I am already exercising 50-60min a day, so its not like i needed more exercise. but i agreed, and off we went. I suggested riding to a definite location, in hopes of making the ride last more than 30 minutes, and off to pittsgrove we went. we rode 7 miles in 40 minutes--not bad, I think. I didn't even break a sweat! I was ready to ride back, but he wasn't, so we parked at his parents house and hitched a ride home.
This morning, after exercising I realized I had to go to the post office. It's a 2 minute drive. But we had to cancel our plans to go to the beach due to other pain in the butt stuff to do on the phone, so he suggested a bike ride.
And off we went. We went to the post office, and then decided since the cemetery where Robbie is was within a decent distance, we would go visit. The tree is flourishing. But it turned out to be much more insightful.
We never noticed the other grave markers. And we rode around just looking and reading. And I was amazed at the number of tombstone markers (the family plot ones with all the names on it, and individual markers on the ground) that stated a name, and just one year (like 1867-1867). And one family we saw had 5 children--3 died in the same year. 1 a few years after, and then, as far as we can tell, a baby was born after all of that, but died in the same year. But maybe it was a stillbirth. We pondered this for a while...that residents over 100 years ago suffered the same way we are right now. And their little babies were buried and remembered with them, no matter the age. And it made me a little happier knowing that Robbie and Rango won't be forgotten either.
But I couldn't help on the ride home to talk to Robbie and Rango, and see if they could meet these children. And I couldn't help but imagine what it was like 100 years ago if you had a stillbirth, let alone two. Sadly, I don't think society has changed much on how to react if your baby dies. Either people embrace you and allow you to take the time to grieve, or they wonder why after a certain time you aren't back to normal. But instead of "work", these families are farmers. They still had to get up, milk the cows, make meals from scratch, handwash the laundry. And I find it hard to just get up and get on the elliptical and figure out a shopping list for the week! To imagine how these women survived, how the families survived. I felt humble just thinking about it. Okay, so maybe God isn't mad at me. Maybe this isn't my fault. If it happened to these women (and so many in the one cemetery!!), and I have met so many women who struggle with bringing home their take home baby, then maybe its not personal. No one back then could tell these women why their babies died with certainty. At least we have that hope and technology to try our best to take home our babies. Maybe our losses are to help someone years down the road so they don't have to share in this pain and hurt. But I am fortunate enough to know that without my boys, and losing them, I wouldn't have met some amazing people along the way.
So today, maybe I can just practice being in the moment and enjoying what I have because life is so uncertain. Easier said than done! But it beats crying and having an anxiety attack because life didn't turn out the way I wanted. Just like the bike ride...I just wanted to go out for a little, but instead I had a lot to mull over!