So I had a gut feeling to call my doctor today and see if any results happened to come in. And they did. So while waiting for the doctor to call me back, I began to talk to my husband, who had been strangely quiet all day, except to tell me that he no longer wanted to try again either. That way I don't need to stress about it anymore.
So I opened up a discussion, and very simply and plainly explained why I was so against trying again. It isn't that I don't want to be pregnant again and try for another baby. This morning, after 50 minutes on the elliptical, I figured out what my problem is with trying again. Its the uncertainty. Its knowing that he, even though he was as supportive as he could be, he couldn't do both his role and my role. Its knowing that if I need heparin shots every day, he can't help with that. I have to do that alone. I'll have to go to dr's visits alone. I'll have to take time away from work to get bloodwork done. And I don't want to be alone. I need him with me, even if its getting my arm pricked for the umpteenth time. I need him to support me at home, and make me rest, even if it means i'll get huffy with him. its knowing that he will take care of cleaning the house, and cooking, and taking care of the girls if the need be. I explained that while I understand he thinks its worth the sadness and worry if it means we get to have our baby, he needs to focus on the 9 months (or longer) it will take to get our baby. It means being ready at the 5month mark for bad news. It means living day by day, making sure our baby's heart is still beating. And making sure I do everything I'm supposed to, and not stress out.
He said nothing. And when I asked what was wrong, he told me he didn't think of any of that. He didn't know what I wanted him to say, and he just repeated that nevermind, he doesn't want to try again because it is causing me too much worry. I just don't know what else to say to him to help him understand that I do want to, just not right now, and not any time soon. And there's things we need to figure out before we try again. Its not going to be simple this time. But yes, it will be worth it if it all works.
So while we are in limbo, the doctor called us back. While the chromosomal study is normal, the autopsy revealed that the placenta was underdeveloped, and was starting to affect rango's growth. the placenta was also filled with blood clots. however, the interesting thing is that all of my bloodwork (which i have plenty results from!) shows that my levels are in the normal range for any blood clotting disorders. not even borderline--right smack in the middle! so there is a possibility that i have a clotting disorder that hasn't even been found yet--yay! i always do know how to make things more complicated!
so, now its onto a second opinion, because i just need to make sure that we definitely didn't miss anything. if someone could magically just tell me heparin and baby aspirin is the quick fix, and we'll definitely have a baby 9months from conception, great, let's go! but since my bloodwork results are a mystery, i am relying on other women to please share their stories, good and bad with me. i mean, i know we were all praying and hoping for answers. And this was the most obvious answer we could get. the dr is even contacting the pathology department to see if they have any of robbie's placenta so that we can compare it to rango's. even though he died from fetal hydrops, there is a possibility that there were complications with the placenta that we missed. that would even be better news--that the two were related.
but now that we have the results, its a few more weeks of talking, and getting double checked. and the hope is back for now. the desire to not stop, to keep trying for our take home baby is there. i am just to afraid to say it out loud. but i have met some women in the past 6 weeks who have inspired me in their courage. like i asked my husband tonight, what is the difference between someone who has had two 2nd trimester losses and someone who has had multiple miscarriages? i see it as this: physically, there is a huge different. 7-12 weeks carrying, opposed to 20w. being able to still hide it, and the belly being out there. emotionally, i don't think there is much of a difference. you still bond with your baby--no matter if you carried him/her for a few weeks or months. you are still a mom. and while i have to wait a little longer to see if my baby makes it, it doesn't minimize my desire to have another baby, or my love for that baby. and if someone can keep trying loss after loss, then trying a third time in a year just takes courage. and determination. and if anyone knows me personally, you know i don't give up that easily! i may get knocked down, and take a while to stand up, but eventually, i will bounce back. more determined that ever! so thank you to all you ladies with the courage to keep trying...you are my inspiration!
i hear you so much on this and am so sorry for all you have been going through...i think it is great that you could talk about it with your husband, though i know it isn't easy
ReplyDelete...all of my losses were in the first trimester. in fact, most very early...around 6 and a half weeks. my second loss was right before nine weeks with twins...that was insane...the amount of bleeding i went through...bc i miscarried mostly natural and had a partial d and c when the bleeding wouldn't let up. and bc there were two of everything, it made it as if i was much further along. i know i haven't lost in the second trimester but i always say i think it would be so much harder than a first...in some ways. in my eyes, the longer the baby is inside you, the more real it becomes. i never compare my situation to anyones bc like you said, they are all so emotionally hard. i can take all the physical pain...it's the emotional that is so very trying.
a lot of people (people who i don't really associate myself with anymore) would say to me, "you need to stop" and i would get upset at that bc everyone's different and isn't it always the ones who have never dealt with infertility or loss, that say those kinds of things. the reason i keep going is bc i truly believe someway, somehow, someday i will be blessed. i WISHHH and hope and pray that it is sooner than later but deep down, i feel like i will get there, even on my crappiest of days. i do agree 100% that if you feel like a break is what you need, whether long or short, that's what you should do. it is trusting your instincts.
and it is a mind trip and a half to keep trying after loss after loss. to be honest, this is not positive at all, but deep down, me trying for a 6th time...do i see it resulting in a baby, no...but i do hope that it means i'm one step closer.
i think that you are so brave and strong for standing up for what you believe in and working through all the emotions. you have every right to feel the way you do and to be able to go through all you have and still be able to say someday you may want to try again...that says a lot. <3
i wish i could offer more advice on blood clotting disorders...i do have a friend who has a 2 yr old son and has had 3 losses in her first trimester after having her son. after her second loss she was diagnosed with mthfr factor. she had no idea that it existed bc her son was conceived no problem and her pregnancy was easy.
i'm hoping that your night got better and you can enjoy your weekend. if you ever want to chat or email, you can find my info on my blog.
many hopeful prayers to you and your family <3
maria