I was away in St. Pete's Beach, Fl for the last week. I thought I would be able to blog from there, but after my husband and I would finish training, I was exhausted! It was a business trip, combined with what was supposed to be a baby-moon. We had scheduled to go down a day early, and stay a day after. Instead of a babymoon, it turned out to be quite a reflective trip for both of us.
I learned that the reason I don't like pregnant women (or women with approximately 3 month old babies) is because they serve as a reminder of everything I have lost this year. As long as I had somewhere I had to be (the training), or dinner dates, I was fine mentally. I was also okay because NO ONE KNEW anything about what I had gone through. Or what Mario and I had gone through. We were just a couple of science teachers that happened to be married to each other. And it was nice to be just that, until questions of if we had any children came up. But instead of the reactions we expected, we instead found ourselves with other people (men and women) who shared their stories of loss with us. One man, who befriended us, told us on the last day of training that he and his wife had lost 13 babies, all at 14w. I was stunned. Here I am, not even ready to think about trying again (my reaction so far is Hell No!). And his wife went through it 13 times!!! And they never found an answer.
I dreaded coming home. It wasn't a great mini-vacation. In fact, when we weren't busy training, or socializing, it was downright mentally and emotionally exhausting! I guess it was good that we used our time alone to talk openly, and reflect on the past year.
See, tomorrow will mark the day that Robbie was conceived. Yes, I am sure that is too much information for most of my readers. But in hindsight, July 4 is the day that forever changed our lives, our marriage, our family, and our perspective. On one hand I would love to wake up tomorrow and have it be like the movie "Groundhog Day", and we wake up, and its last July 4th all over again. But on the other hand, am I really willing to give up a year that has so drastically changed everything about my life? I have to believe, for my own sanity, that there is some greater purpose, some reason, that we are suffering so much. I have to believe that there is a reason I was able to get pregnant so easily with both of my boys. And I don't think I would give up the year that gave me my boys, even though they aren't with us physically.
A month ago, I was entering into the 21w of my pregnancy with Rango, and was scared. But I tried to talk myself out of it, and even tried to show my family and friends I was more confident by buying baby clothes. A month ago I was excited at the fact that while I would be unemployed, I would be able to stay home with my baby boy, and be a stay at home mom, at least for a little bit.
Now, those baby clothes sit in a drawer--the only baby items I kept in the house. Now, I have a job interview next Tuesday, am applying for another job this week, and am wondering if this part time job might be a possible new career path, even if it does involve traveling frequently. I have stopped trying to plan the next month, because I have remembered and learned "The best made plans of mice and men often go astray".
For tonight at least, I am unsure of where I am headed. But I know I am open to change. I would welcome it. I dreaded coming home, and as I shared this with my neighbor friend, she completely understood the desire to just start over and start fresh. I am willing to go anywhere, with my girls, and just be me. Whether this is the best plan, I don't know.
My husband told me while we were in Florida that he is ready to try again. We haven't even had our post-op visit yet (that's Wednesday), and no results have even come in. I told him I am not ready, and I don't know if I will ever be ready again. I am ready to get my tubes tied. I just can't handle the uncertainty and waiting to see if this baby will be our take home baby. I mean, if the doctors come back and tell us exactly what happened, and how to fix it, I might feel a little better, but still...there's no 100% guarantee. And I know one more loss will put me over the edge, and I might not come back. I am barely here as it is. I know everything thinks I am doing well. They see me get up in the morning, exercise and diet, take care of the house, my girls, my family. But no one sees the despair, the fight inside to keep going, and not give up. How almost minute by minute I have to remind myself to keep going.
For the first time in my life I am ready to give up. The only thing keeping me going is the fact that my two little girls need me. And that is the only reason I appear to do well.
Well, to anyone who is still reading my long ramble (trying to fit in a week's worth of thoughts into one blog), thank you! Now it is time to go and get ready for bed, and the new episode of True Blood at 11. My husband has his routine, and in a way it is reassuring. Good night!
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