Perspective and Expectations

These have been the themes of my week. When you are on an exercise machine for 50min almost every day, without a tv, you have a lot of time to think about stuff, and read. Normally I listen to my husband's ipod touch, but lately the songs, which are on random play, seem to relate to whatever i need to focus on, when i am trying to avoid thinking!

After Robbie died, I downloaded an album by Steven Curtis Chapman, written after his 5 year old daughter died after being hit by a car (accidentally) in her driveway. I always liked his music, and could relate to it. I listened to the songs alot after Robbie. But then, with Rango, I just couldn't listen. I didn't know that accidentally the SCC music was uploaded to my husband's ipod until the song came on while I was in the midst of minute 12 of the workout. The album, Beauty Will Rise, is full of wonderfully written lyrics, expressing both the grief and hope of losing a child. I am not at all comparing the loss of my babies to his 5 year old daughter...but there are similar emotions and thoughts.

"I don’t even want to breathe now
All I want to do is close my eyes
I don’t want to open them again
Till I’m standing on the other side

I don’t even want to be right now
I don’t want to think another thought
I don’t want to feel this pain I feel
Right now pain is all I’ve got
It feels like its all I’ve got
But I know that its not
Oh I know you’re all I’ve got"
===I Will Trust You...Beauty Will Rise, Steven Curtis Chapman

So, Monday as I'm listening and crying and exercising (b/c i am stubborn and I will sob as i push myself on the elliptical), i'm thinking, okay, okay, i'm not alone.
Then my oldest and I ride to the library, and on the new releases is a book written by SCC's wife titled "Choosing To See". And not only does it chronicle her walk of faith, but her emotions and challenging God with His plans, and her pain and sorrow. Something I can relate to all too well. So of course I take it home and have been reading it during my workouts this week.

The lessons I've learned this week didn't stop there. I was already starting to look at myself internally, and how was I going to go on. I was also being forced to reflect on my relationships with others--friends who i couldn't go on avoiding forever, occasions i had to go to or else i would regret them, and the overall notion that life has to go on. and how was i going to handle it.

I could go on, kicking and screaming, hiding and wishing for the "what ifs" and "should have beens". or i could make a new future, one where maybe i don't know what is going to happen, and i'll just have to know i'm not in control (as much as i want to be!).

So how to move on? When the path has been so dark, and hopeless? Let me first start by saying this: I truly believe after suffering such great loss, such tragedy, you must allow yourself to feel the grief, the sadness, and embrace it. The key is to not let it engulf you--and that's where your family and friends need to be patient and honest, and they can help you when you are at that lowest point. this is how i need to grieve. its not pretty. its not easy. its downright ugly, and dark, and not at all who i am. i had my family and friends pretty worried at some points--to the point where I know they wanted me on something for depression. But then, there will be a point where you have to face that darkness, and you have to make a decision. but you won't have to make the decision until you know you are strong enough. and while you are in that darkness, that grief, is when i found how strong i could be. for me it started with a song, then the book, then an acceptance of you are not the only one who has suffered loss.
An idea of perspective. And i have to give credit to a friend who helped put it "in perspective". While we have suffered a great loss, there might be someone who is pregnant that may not have a marriage they entered into willingly, or have the life they imagined. They might envy us (my synopsis, not theirs), and see how much we have to be thankful for, even with our losses. i understand, but i still want my babies. but its a start. and while your perspective is different from my perspective, it doesn't make the feelings associated with it any less valid.
then there is knowing what to expect: from yourself (me), your partner (my hubby), my family, my friends. And sometimes our expectations are so high, we don't realize it, until that person shows us how human they are. I'm not saying to not have expectations--we do need to recgonize the good in others. but to know that not everyone is going to treat us the way we would treat others (another jewel from this friend). we also need to learn what we expect from ourselves.
and there you have it--my wisdom for this week so far. it doesn't mean i don't miss my boys, or don't feel sad anymore. but it means i am moving forward--at least for now. i am going to push myself to expect more of myself and what i can do emotionally. i can look past myself and go to my girlfriend's son's first birthday. i can go see my pregnant friend, due in january, and share in her excitement. its not going to be easy, but i know it can be done with enough perspective, expectations (knowing i'll break down and cry probably at least once, and faith that i'll be supported and loved through each difficult step.
and now i'm expected to go sit with my hubby and watch a re-run of The Office!
Good night all!