I haven't been blogging lately, although I have had tons of "blogs" written in my mind over the past week. i've been keeping busy, and made sure i am out of the house doing something every single day. plus my hubby and i have been on the atkins diet for 1 week. His doctor put him on it, and I figured since I wasn't losing weight fast enough for my liking, I would support him, and cook nice low carb meals for both of us. unfortunately, i learned tonight, while it was working a little for me (1 lb after 2 days with 50min of exercising daily, my hubby is losing 1 lb a day, no exercise), i cannot be on it anymore. i have another condition known as interstitial cystitis, which is a bladder condition, and I learned that low carb diets, which put you in ketosis, actually can worsen the IC, and makes it very painful--like an untreated UTI. not cool, but hey, at least I figured out why i don't feel good, and I celebrated by eating a bowl of special k and a guilt free 1/2 choc. chip cookie from "Crazy Susan's Cookies".

so between not feeling great, taking day trips with my daughters and husband, and taking my husband to see Harry Potter this weekend, by the time I have been getting home I have been too tired to type, let alone think! Which I guess is good.

I am trying to let myself grieve. I started reading "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart". I know many women who did read this after their child(ren) died, but a student's mother lent it to me to read a few months after Robbie died. It has sat on the bookshelf next to Robbie. I picked it up to read late last week only because the ipod's battery was dying, and I needed something to fill in 45minutes. I read that those women that allowed themselves to grieve when the emotions came fared better than those that tried to just be strong, and put on a brave face, and would grieve later. Its quite inconvenient, i must tell you. for me, it is easier to just force myself out of bed in the morning, and resign myself to the day ahead. i like planning, and i know if i don't plan something to do (like go to the pool, go to the beach, etc) i will probably just stay in bed. but by the night before, i have a plan in place. i'll get up, and put on blinders and go throughout my day. but apparently this isn't healthy.
so at Harry Potter on Saturday, my husband chose seats behind the only pregnant woman in the theater. I felt the tears, the hotness and my throat got tight. My blinders don't work when they sit right in front of me. I went to the ladies room to gain some composure, and allowed myself to reflect as to why I was getting upset. And after acknowledging that it was just a reminder of so many things that made me sad and mad (that i should be pregnant watching this movie,, eating popcorn and feeling rango kick, on top of the only reason we watched Harry Potter to being with was because after Robbie died we were home, waiting for the d & e, and even after the surgery, and needed something to occupy our minds. so really, we should be at the movies only after asking the grandparents to babysit 4mth old Robbie), i went back into the theater. it wasn't fun, but i just tried to focus on the movie ahead, and once the lights dimmed, I focused on not thinking about the woman in front of me, rubbing her belly, and adjusting her back to get comfortable. and as the credits began to roll, i moved quickly to exit the theater first to avoid seeing her. i know i don't know everyone's story, but that was about as brave as i could have been.
Then Tuesday we took the girls to Ocean City for a surrey ride, boardwalk rides, and mini-golf. And I swear every other woman that passed was pregnant! It got to the point where it was just ridiculous, and I told my husband I was almost to my breaking point. His suggestion? Just go over and start yelling at them. They'll be confused, but I'll probably feel better. I understand his frustration with not being able to help, and as much as I would LOVE to stand and just yell and cry at the pregnant women about how I was them, blissfully unaware of the potential dangers to the baby's we are growing, and to cherish each moment, yelling at someone wouldn't be productive. Plus, I really don't know their history. With my luck I would get someone who has had previous losses, and knows my pain all too well, and then I would feel crappy.
I know I can't avoid pregnant people. As I start a new position in the fall (even if its only temporary as a year long replacement for a teacher I was friends who had their first baby, and it taking another year on maternity leave), I realize I will come in contact with not just students that are pregnant, but also staff members, that are friends and have been so supportive for us this year! And I had better start figuring out this grieving process quickly, because I am not planning on being pregnant again, and I can't hold this grudge against pregnant people forever. Life didn't give me the path I wanted. So I wanted a third baby. I wanted to hold a newborn one more time, get up at night and change diapers, go through the firsts again. Instead, I have to cherish the two I do have, and know that I have two angels instead of infants. I was fortunate to be pregnant 4 times. To hear the heartbeat, see the baby moving on ultrasound, and feel the kicks and punches.
I know it'll hurt, and sting, when friends tell me they are pregnant. But I have to find a way to manage to be happy for them. I know with my husband's family, with the three pregnancies that were so close to my own, and two former co-workers, I don't know if I can accept and be happy for them. I hope they have successful, healthy pregnancies. I hope they get to all hold their newborns and cherish them. But to think on what I am missing just sets me back too far emotionally. I have to move on, and if that means for the present time (between now and Rango's due date) I do have to have blinders on for pregnant women, then I will. I just want to find some normalcy, some balance where I don't have to be on guard all the time. I want to be able to go out in public without worry of breaking down. And I known in time, I will be able to. Its just the part of allowing myself to grieve when I feel the need, instead of putting up a front. It will be healthier for all in the end.
so, this week has been very reflective for me, as in how am I going to survive and go on. I think having the mindset that I am not going to try again helps with the realization that I have to move on and make plans and attitudes that will help me. it helps me to focus on what the future holds (well, as much as I can plan the future, which we all know never works!), and to focus on the right now, and making today count. I can't think about October. I can't think about August. But I can manage thinking about today and tomorrow. Yesterday is gone. And this is the reality I am living in. Learning to live and love and trust in better things to come one day at a time.