2 down, 1 to go

I apologize in advance if the blog entry today seems disjointed--i am on percocet and just a little bit loopy. but at least i am awake right now, and the pain isn't that bad as long as i'm sitting and have a heating pad on. And i want to make sure i document everything this time.
I would have blogged yesterday, but our internet was down, and then we lost power until 10pm,so i guess i was forced to just sit and be.

But yesterday we met with the doctor at 1pm, and i got to ask all my questions--genetic testing, chromosomal testing, fetal autopsy, pain medication questions, and anything else you can imagine. Instead of vicodin, he prescribed percocet. And apparently he was able to get more luminaria in this time than the first day last time. Mario was able to get answers as far as his concerns about my surgery and bleeding.

Wednesday night I cried for two hours because I had I guess what you would call was a premonition. It wasn't a dream, but I wasn't really awake either. I was delivering Rango, and they were trying to get him out and save me because I was bleeding uncontrollably. I was so scared and cried and cried Wednesday night. Thursday morning Rango was alive. So now Mario is scared that he'll lose me Wednesday during the d & e. But the doctor assured him we are going to do certain things differently this time to ensure the bleeding doesn't get bad.

So this morning we were back at the doctor's office--i had taken 1 percocet, and mario had one to give me after the procedure. unfortunately, the doctor was running late, and we sat in the waiting room with several happy pregnant women. the good news is that percocet makes me feel so numb that i don't feel anything--including the emotions of losing another son. and seeing them didn't make me upset. but we had the procedure done, and the doctor says we are doing very well this time. we have one more procedure, and hopefully i'll be dialated enough by wednesday to deliver Rango so we can hold him. I need to hold him, to see him. so i am trying to be brave and relax during the procedures so i have that option.

before i sign off because of the extreme nausea, i have to add one thing. i do appreciate everyone's support, and at some point maybe i will believe what you are all telling me. but i am not at that stage yet. i am angry, sad, in despair and disbelief. i am confused, and questioning everything. and i am writing this blog not just for my own needs, but to help those women that are suffering from any type of pregnancy loss. eventually what you are all trying to tell me (and i know everyone is trying to help, i really do!) will sink in. just not right now. i am sorry if it upsets anyone with how honest i am being right now, but denying my own emotions is not going to help me heal. it doesn't mean stop, it just means not to expect much right now.