The morning after

thanks to some sleeping pills i was able to fall asleep last night for a while.  i don't remember if i had any dreams or not.  but at 5am i did wake up, and went to pat rango good morning and realized he wasn't there, in spirit.  i feel so empty and alone.  i want to curse my body for not being able to carry yet another baby--who was completely healthy.  i got out of bed and curled up on the floor in the family room and just cried.  and the really sad thing--i think i am almost out of tears.  my heart is so broken and heavy.  i feel like i could cry for days and days, but my tears won't come every time i start to sob.  instead its like a wail i've never heard myself make.
my husband wants to try to return all the big baby items we purchased when we decided to try again to have another baby.  he doesn't want to have to chance us losing another 2nd trimester baby.  let alone he wanted a son, and he's lost 2 sons.  i know its too soon to even approach the idea of going through this again, especially until we get some answers (and hopefully we will--will God be so cruel as to have us have 2 stillbirths at the same point in the pregnancy and not allow us answers for both?).  but i am optimistic that its nothing genetic, nothing that can't be fixed easily.  there was nothing structurally wrong with Rango.  There was no hydrops, evidence of infection, or birth defect.  as far as the genetic screenings went, there were no markers.
4 generations of women in my family have only delivered girls.  no live boys.  my mom miscarried a boy between me and my sister.  i now have have 2 stillborn sons.  but the doctor doesn't think this has anything to do with why they died.
we go to florida in 2 weeks for training for a part time job.  i was going to go and use motherhood coupons to buy some sundresses and bathing suits.  instead i am sitting here debating whether i would burn more calories on the ellipitcal or going for a bike ride.  i already know the battle with my body is going to start over losing the baby weight.  i'm grateful that i've only gained maybe 5 total lbs since the beginning of the pregnancy--i gained a total of 25 with robbie.  and after robbie i was able to lose 20 of that 25 pretty quickly, but i was still further from my prepregnancy weight.  i'm hoping that in 2 weeks i will have lost at least 15-20 more, which would put me at the weight i was when i got married last year, and where i might be able to fit into my summer clothes from last year!  but it's all up to how my body cooperates.
listen to me...my mind is racing at all the stupid little details.  24hrs ago, my son was dying or already dead.  i know he was alive when i woke up yesterday--i remembered him moving when i was getting ready.  but sometime between 7am and 3pm he died.  i don't know if it makes it worse knowing a window.  and there is a big part of me that wants to stay curled up on the floor and not move.  my husband went to work, and my mother in law has my daughters.  i want to pull the blanket up over my head and just wait to wake up from this bad dream.  but i already know from last time that's not going to happen.  my reality is that i am a mother of back to back stillbirths, with 2 live daughters, and no one knows why all of a sudden i make it to 21 weeks and the baby's die.  my husband, who just wanted 1 child of his own, is now a dad to two little boys that he will never teach to drive, or play ball, or cuddle with.  and he doesn't want to even entertain the idea of even trying to make it a reality (boy or girl).
like i told my daughters yesterday, rango knew we loved him very much, and we couldn't wait to meet him.  we read him stories every night (my oldest would read to him), and my youngest would always give my belly a kiss and tell him hi or goodbye.  her head was the perfect height to reach the bellybutton--for some reason she thought this was a speaker to the baby.  we listened to his heartbeat and his movements on the doppler every night, including wednesday night.  my husband would pat the baby, and talk to him.  we made sure we enjoyed this baby while he was with us.  we thought once we were out of the woods we'd be meeting rango in just a few short months.
i have custom geeky science onesies that i ordered, and should be arriving today.  we have to decide what we are going to do with his remains.
i have to go apply for a job at a high school, that denied my application because it wasn't in the correct order. a week ago i thought its ok, i'll stay home with rango.  now there's no reason to stay home anymore. my girls are both in school.  and i'll go crazy being a stay at home mom, knowing that i should have a baby to be cuddling and feeding and changing.  everyone thought me losing my job and being pregnant was a sign that everything was working out.  i even believed it too.  but we were all wrong--completely.  i want to know why i have lost two sons, my job (in 6 months), and now my husband doesn't even want to try again.  so no hope for a baby in the future.
i want to get the procedures started today, not sunday.  the sooner they start, the sooner we can do the d & e, and we can hopefully say goodbye.  the doctor is going to try to keep rango intact so we can at least hold him and look at him.  i don't want to wait till sunday.  i feel like an imposter walking around with a little bump, wearing maternity clothes (granted most people still can't tell if i am pregnant).  and its not like i am post partum either--with a little baby to justify the over baggy clothes or not fitting into my non-maternity bathing suits.
like i said yesterday when i was the first to realize he wasn't moving, i can't do this again.  i don't have the strength.